Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Problems with DSD

22 replies

RHH02 · 10/10/2018 16:05

Hi all, I could really use some advice / opinions on something.

I have a 6 year old DSD & a 6 month old DS. My DSD comes to stay with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays. DH and his ex get along ok but they do clash a fair bit over parenting issues.

Recently DSD told her teacher that she didn’t want to come and stay with us as her daddy hits her, shouts at her & tears up her work. He does tell her off sometimes but nothing like what she has said. The school is now speaking to DH but as a result we haven’t seen DSD this month. Her mother is taking this very literally & is very critical of DH. We are wondering whether DSD might be struggling with us having a baby. She hasn’t said anything but it could be possible? Also my parents took us on a family holiday which my DSD did not come on & wondering whether that may have added to it. In a separate matter DH wants DSD to come on holiday with my family next year but I would rather do something with her separately as this is really for my parents to spend time with their grandkids.

Any thoughts?!!

OP posts:

hamabr86 · 10/10/2018 16:14

I think kids just say things without having any ideas of the long term impact. My cousin told my Aunt that my mother had said she hated him. Next time we saw them they had a screaming argument about it and we didn't speak to them for nearly a decade. He told me that he's said it because he didn't want to go round there that particular day and then was too scared to say it wasn't true.

Could someone unaffected have a quiet sit down and talk to her and tell her she wont be in trouble with anyway if she changes her story?

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 16:25

I wouldn’t read too much into it in terms of what she’s said, DS2 has a black eye because he banged it on his bed and he told his keyworker that Daddy poked him in the eye! (Thankfully they know us well!)

I definitely think it could be some kind of reaction to the new baby, it’s hard for siblings when a new baby comes, especially if they don’t live with them. DSD1 in particular struggled, thinking that DD would replace her.

Plenty of reassurance, love and one on one time helped to allay her fears.

I can see your DHs point, isn’t she part of the family too?

Oswin · 10/10/2018 16:27

In her eyes she has been pushed out by the baby, she doesn't get to go on family holidays. Of course this will have added together to leave her feeling awful.
Can your dh not take her away alone while you go with your parents?

Aprilislonggone · 10/10/2018 16:32

Oswin why would the dh not want to go with op? Surely the dsd holidays with dm?
When I was a sm, dsd wanted to holiday with us but her dm didn't think it was fair she had a holiday without her so wouldn't let her go!! Was booked ffs!! No winning ime! Def not the dc who wins when the dm doesn't want things to happen. Again ime.
Why not have a camp out at your house? Leave dh in charge of the baby and you +dsd have a camp!! Front room if need be!! She needs to know she hasn't been replaced with a baby by you too - not just her df.

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 16:32

Can your dh not take her away alone while you go with your parents?

I think this sounds like a good plan. I’m not usually one for drawing lines where there don’t need to be any, but it seems they’re already there.

Aprilislonggone · 10/10/2018 16:38

Great plan. 6 yo tells quite disturbing lies and gets a holiday out of it!!

Bizzare.
And op gets no holiday with her dh!!

pinkhorse · 10/10/2018 16:45

I think it's unkind to not include her on next years holiday. She is part of your family and she's only 6.

jilldoyoulikeowls · 10/10/2018 16:48

Seperate point - but why did you even tell a 6 year old you were holidaying without her?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/10/2018 16:58

I cannot imagine trying to keep my dsd at arm’s length like this. She existed before I came along and she is part of the family. She is welcome and wanted on every holiday and at every family occasion.
This attitude that she needs to be kept separate is something she will be able to sense. If she feels angry and pushed out, it would not be surprising. You need to show her that you love her, enjoy her company and that she is wanted.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/10/2018 17:50

Who is paying for the holiday?

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 17:53

Aprilislonggone I think you need to calm down, she’s a 6 yo with a new sibling not a Machiavellian villain!

Thelaststand · 10/10/2018 18:02

She is part of your family so she should get asked to join all events and holidays.

She is probably feeling very left out.

I really do believe step children do need extra love and care because their life has been messed up by two adults.

Try and see it from a child’s point of view or even how you would feel of it was your Ds and his father was doing this and his new step mum keeping him at arns length ..

Original poster

RHH02 · 10/10/2018 18:03

I don’t keep DSD at arms length, we have taken her on a number of holidays and had to fight with her mum for that time as she was trying to dictate where we took her & for how long. This particular holiday was a treat from my parents with my sister & her family. I am more worried that she is now saying she doesn’t want to come and stay with us as that was the last thing we wanted & thought we had carefully navigated the new sibling thing.

OP posts:

indisdress · 10/10/2018 18:30

"as a result we haven’t seen DSD this month."

On the say so of the ex?

Original poster

RHH02 · 10/10/2018 19:08

Yes she wouldn’t let us have DSD after she said those things to the teacher. We’re meant to have her for some of half term but ex has said we’ll have to see as DSD has said she doesn’t want to come.

OP posts:

LIZS · 10/10/2018 19:14

A 6 yo doesn't get to decide which parent she sees. If his ex has been asked to stop contact pending a safeguarding review that is different. Is there a formal agreement regarding access? You need to decide between you now whether dsd is included in your family unit for trips and holidays. She may well feel resentful if she is sidelined. She also needs exclusive time with her df. Did you post about issues with dsd before, situation sounds familiar.

indisdress · 10/10/2018 19:16

If it's purely on the say so of his ex, then your DP should be consulting a lawyer about that and about his ex trying to dictate where and when he can take his DD on holiday.

And she should be included on the holiday next year, or you just go with your parents and DC.

lunar1 · 10/10/2018 20:28

Your DH needs to get onto a solicitor ASAP if the mum has stopped contact. If every lie a child told like that led to children not seeing their parents there would hardly be any together families!

She's probably just adjusting to the new dynamics.

Don't prevent your husbands child going on the holiday, she's not an optional extra, she's his child.

Firefliess · 10/10/2018 22:08

I think you need to get contact re-established as soon as you possibly can, and worry about holidays later. Your DP needs to speak to his ex urgently and get her to understand that DSD is saying things that didn't happen most likely because she's feeling left out. If she doesn't agree to contact as before then he needs to go to court, and quickly. The longer she goes not seeing you, the more she will feel pushed out and not part of the family. She may also come to believe the things she said to the teacher. Memory and fantasy can be easily muddled at that age. You might also want to check with your DP whether there could be more truth in what she's said than you realize

Stepparentchallenges · 10/10/2018 23:25

I think maybe she could feel perhaps jealous but gives her no right to lie and make things up. And I have learnt through my sister doing kr the damage it can cause and honestly believed if my mum has got her some help maybe she wouldn't have carried on with accusations if she wasn't getting enough attention.

With regard to holidays don't feel guilty, firstly does she need to know, secondly your parents have no obligation to pay for your step daughter. We never tell my step kids if we go away, we don't have their cousins on Facebook for them to tell them either because first time we went away they didn't come as I paid and swapped my child's paying place for my partner and my child was then free, second time with Butlins we just couldn't afford to and it was also school term time and their mum has made it clear she wouldn't allow them to go away in term time (which I think is ludicrous and would rather pay fhe fine and my ex husband luckily agrees as it's still cheaper) and next year my parents have paid as a gift to me. Sometimes these things happen and you will do some things when you step daughter isn't around, also you don't want to be abroad or wherever and find that she wants to go home and plays up with the behaviour she i showing.

The school have to look into any claims and once assessments are done that will be it, however or makes me wonder has her mum
Said something to make her start reacting jealousy maybe? As these ex wife's will do anything. I think he needs to her a court order at least she has to stick to it then. I had experience beginning of the year of looking at stopping contact for my ex husband overnight until my boy was happy (very hard situation) but I worked at it spoke to solicitors and it's complex. However now all it took was us all too meet up and discuss our son. Discuss the issues and now we go out for meals and drinks together, have family WhatsApp etc.

Please please don't feel bad sounds like your doing what you can z

swingofthings · 11/10/2018 05:38

She exaggerated things because she thought it was the only way for her to express her sorrow in a way that she'd be taken seriously. Your OH might not be doing the things she says but he might be losing his temper in a way that is normal to him and maybe you, but scary for her if she doesn't experience this with her mum/school.

He can either get angry that she lied or he could question why she made them in the first place. What has been done during that month to reestablished contact? Has he at least talked to her? Does she tell him she misses him or does she refuse to speak to him?

SandyY2K · 11/10/2018 20:33

I don't see an issue on holidaying without her. I've gone on holiday with DH without our DC.

My DB has gone away with his wife without his DC. The DC go away with their DM.

This idea that kids have to go on every holiday is what causes problems.

Are social services involved?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread