WWYD?! DSS/DSD vs pregnant hormonal DSM (that's me!)

[frankiefumbles]

I'm currently a mere 7 weeks pregnant, and I'll admit I'm hormonal. And I'm a bit scared. FOMO, fear of being left holding the baby etc. Baby is planned, I've had two miscarriages but I'm daring to get excited that this one might stick, so thinking to the future. I'm also going to say a few controversial things here (like...I care about my DSC, but I don't love them).

Let's set the scene. I'm 27, DH 51. DSD (from affair, non bio) 16yo, DSS (bio) 9yo, both from same relationship with ex, she only admitted to having the early affair after the son was born. Naughty... I dreamt it would be possible to be buddies with their DM but it was not to be. I thought, having had no kids, it would be easier if she was on side so I could get important info from her, but she's been difficult (and I have tried hard, but I'm not going to say anything more negative about this). I've got two issues. Firstly, perhaps more simply.

When is the right time to tell the children I'm pregnant? I'm petrified they will find out secondhand. I want DH to tell them in person, whilst I am not present. I want him to tell both children together but DSD very elusive. And then while they are with us we will tell their DM the news so they don't have to tell her. The hitch?

We do not want to go public with this pregnancy any earlier than necessary due to the nature of our jobs and the previous miscarriages and it being my first. We are private people. The moment the children are told, their DM will be told and she will, by nature, gossip. I don't want DH's clients hearing because it changes the dynamic for me and I don't want all eyes on me if something goes wrong again. I want to hide this until I can't hide it any more. But what if the kids find out before I tell them? Gahhh!

Secondly. And this is the hormonal whingey bit.

DH seems to think life continues regardless and combined with the way he sometimes treats his DS (my "D"SS) who comes on the weekends, I'm sometimes just not sure how it'll ever work. He's a hard worker and works late hours so he could only ever really help on weekends. He's a surgeon so we cant afford to unbalance his sleeping.

I'm totally petrified about telling DSS, DSD and his ex but I'm also really worried DSS (9 years old) or the baby is going to miss out on daddy time. Because we have DSS at the weekends it means the only time DH is going to have with the baby and me and DSS is going to be incredibly dilute - which sucks for me, the potential baby, and the DSS! DSD isn't interested or speaking because DH refused to upgrade her pocket money (she wanted the money he used to pay on school fees as pocket money...? Just to set the tone here...). I don't believe she has an issue with me (or my age for that matter, although ex kindly described DH as a paedophile for being with me).

I'm not keen on DSS or DSD at the moment because to me they seem to manipulate him and only be interested in coming when they will get something, and sadly because he wants to be a "good dad" he tries to provide for them. I don't think I'm being silly with this. I feel I've seen a fairly clear pattern with this over the last few years, especially with DSD who predictably turns up just prior to her bday and Christmas and is awol the rest of the year.

But right here right now I'm the picture of a bad step mother because all I care about is the impact on my little bean. I think really I just need to be told to calm TF down and think about this when I'm less hormonal.

Realistically DSD is off the scene by her own choice. But what of DSS? DH works hard during the weeks and needs "time off" and I do honestly believe he deserves at least a half day a week where he can have a break from childcare and from work. Some may argue that's wrong but I think he requires it for his sanity and I am fully on board with being the main baby carer during the week. The only time spent supporting me with baby to be would be at the weekend, less the half day. And this time also has to be split with DSS.

I feel really hopeless. I feel a bad adult for not being more connected to my DSC, I feel a selfish adult for wanting my DH to spend the time with baby to be and me and not with DSS. And then finally I feel bad that because if I want that, DSS would have less time with his dad.

Impossible. I think I'm just hormonal. WWYD re telling children, and then has anyone had any success balancing a new baby with two existing step children and all the emotional fall out from that? Please don't tell me I'm being selfish. I know I am, I'm trying to snap out of it and I might start crying again if you do! ;)

I know plenty of surgeons and most at age 50 couldn't do baby nights and be a competent surgeon. He's not 30. The safety of his patients comes first and if he feels he can't do with less sleep then that's the end of it.

BUT you need to line up paid help when you get to about 3 months because the good night nurses book up well ahead. You'll want to interview quite a few to find one you're comfortable with. This is what money is for. Don't let your marriage and mental health suffer because you're too proud.

As for "diluted" time that's not really how it works in families and all the people you mention will be a part of your child's family. You're seeing a distinction because they are your stepkids but they will be siblings to your child. Work on facilitating a good bond between them. All kids need 1:1 time with parents but it can be small meaningful chunks. The incredible years book has the concept of special time. Just 20 minutes a day with each kid where that parent does whatever the child chooses.

Partly though you need to step back and realise that if you try to drastically change your husband and stepkids because you're having a baby everyone will e miserable. Focus on what you need to be a happy functioning mother. Facilitate but realise you can't control and try to be ok with it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Take a deep breath and just take it a day at a time for now. The first few weeks make time go as slowly as it’s possible to go and you’re spiralling because you’re stressed.

His failure to do basic parenting is the thing that jumps out from your post. We have my DSC every weekend and in the week and there’s no Disney stuff here, we do chores, go shopping, do DIY, watch tv, usual stuff and it’s just normal life. I’m very involved in their lives and spend a lot of time doing the day to day things of having children in your life/home but DH would be perfectly fine without me, he was before we got together. I don’t want to stick the boot in but if he hadn’t been willing or able to feed them by himself I wouldn’t have planned to have a child with him.

We both work ft and are equally busy, I wouldn’t still be here if he bailed on feeding and looking after his kids. He’s a brilliant dad and it’s one of the things I love most about him.

You need to tackle this stuff now. Not when you’re juggling a newborn and feeling you have to run the whole show or DSS won’t get dinner. Putting your child to bed is the most basic of basic tasks and isn’t worthy of praise.

In terms of juggling children, a baby and work, have a chat with him and ask how he thinks it’s going to work. Don’t freak out, just ask him and go from there. You’ll work it out but it’s up to you both equally to do so, not just you. It’s obviously a planned and wanted baby and he’s hopefully thought about it!

When you have children you don’t get much downtime. He’ll manage. People just do.

You’re adding to your family and you’ll all slot into a new routine.

I think you need to accept that he will always prioritise his career over family life. Unless he has a health scare and re-evaluates his life choices (not uncommon), he’s unlikely to change his personality in his 50s.

Assume that you will be parenting pretty much on your own but with the advantage of his income, so can buy support: nanny, cleaner, au pair etc.

Your step daughter has him sussed - she knows that he will give her money because it’s easier than giving her his time or attention.

There's quite a lot here to take on board, so sorry if I don't quite come back on your points. Firstly, this for me is quite an intimidating issue. It's obviously something we've talked about but I want to make sure that I've got a plan, because I'm hopeful I will actually have a baby at some point and therefore I want to try and make the road as smooth as possible.

The key question in my original post (I thought) was HOW to integrate two step children with a new baby, not specifically whether hubby is a competent parent. I perhaps came across harshly on him. He spends time with them, but he doesn't "care" for them - ie he doesn't cook for them or those sorts of domestic logistics. And it's not an issues. He's a shit cook. The kids like my food, so I get bonus points. It's not the biggest issue on my plate.

I think there is a general assumption that he has somehow done something wrong himself. I initially thought that too and that the blame lay with him, and of course I don't know the ins and outs of the previous relationship. I only know of my interactions with ex. I honestly believe that he tried to be an active father but he was excluded. This meant that by the time I came on the scene, he was trying to form a relationship with his kids where their DM wasn't on hand to coordinate activities and he was struggling. I don't think that is unusual for single dads? So I've enabled us to have DSS and DSD (if she wanted) for longer periods at the weekend, filled with "constructive" activities to help us all bond together as a new little unit. Yes he was bad at that, but now he's not. He's learnt and improved.

Yes, I'm worried about how we will look after a baby together, but isn't every pregnant woman? I've had great success with my dog but I'm a serial pot plant killer so of course I'm paranoid about holding a baby and not knowing what to do.

@Doghorsechicken I come from a simple two parent family and so the subtleties of this situation challenge me. I'm trying my best to make this work. It's beyond me how his ex lied to him for around 9 years that the first kid was his. It amazes me that he stuck around for so many years trying to be a part of the family but kept being rebuffed. I'm not expecting him to forget his other kids. I can't change his history. The point runs BOTH ways. If he wants to spend time with his kids, the baby takes a hit. If he wants to spend time with the baby, his kids take a hit.

This is why my question was HOW do you integrate the two so that the time with each is not exclusive? Maybe this is obvious to others but it's not obvious to me. It looks to me like any time he spends with the baby will be time that he's not going to be spending with DSS. Of course I'd love it if I was his only family, but that will never be the case and I knew the kids came in a package with him.

@WhiteCat1704 And others who ask what is he thinking about in terms of post-baby.
Possibly a key point -He hasn't said he won't help with the baby. In fact he is happy to help with the baby and has said as such. He's got no problem and he's overjoyed. He's happy to change nappies. My worry about him not doing this is purely me. It's not factually based, it's just my worry...which at the moment appears to be a bit heightened in the hormonal mess. And I know from experience that with judicious management he can step up.

It's MY opinion that it's not sensible for him to do that on days that he operates. I stand by that. I'm impressed that there are other surgeons on here who can handle that but I don't want to put DH in to the position if I can at all help it.

I'm surprised at how many people have said I need help - I don't think that I need help especially and I certainly don't agree with getting paid help in. How extravagant! He may be a surgeon but we don't have available income like that. I feel well supported by my family network and I see no reason why I can't manage like that. I did say in my first post, I'm happy to be primary baby carer. Not an issue. We do have a cleaner who comes in for a short amount of time each week, and I'm incredibly thankful for her help, especially at the moment being so wiped out with the nausea.

@KPjoenix I'm the facilitator, no doubt. Thanks for your mention of special moments. But here's the thing...

I have to treat my stepkids and my baby differently. The stepkids have a tonne of baggage with them. We can't just barrel in there and pretend that telling them that there is a baby on the scene is going to have no impact on them. That's why the timing is important and why I'm thinking ahead to making sure the family integrates. Yes I acknowledged the fact that I'd love to have a simple little family with just DH and me and the baby, but honestly with all the shit outlined above, who wouldn't aspire to a simple straightforward life!?

The people who have said I'm over thinking it...how?! It's got huge impact if I get it wrong. Equally I don't feel I should have to divulge my pregnancy for the world before I'm comfortable. I don't want to be in a position where I have to deal with public fall out from a miscarriage unless it's absolutely essential. 12 weeks is far too soon from my viewpoint and I'd rather keep it under wraps longer.

Let me spell it out. Poor DSS didn't see us for almost two months after we got married. He said in his own words, his mother was so upset he felt he couldn't come to see us because he felt like he would be being a traitor to her. My worst case scenario here is that if we tell the kids wrongly or badly we could end up in a position where the kids won't visit. That's horrendous. We don't get any positive reinforcement from the DM as far as I can tell (from what kids have said when they are with us) And she certainly doesn't actively encourage them to visit. Getting upset about our marriage in front of her kids is just vaguely irresponsible of her. It's not like she's single. She's had several boyfriends in the time I've been on the scene.

I honestly can't think of anything worse than a broken home and I do feel incredibly sorry for these kids. They are being manipulated and I honestly don't believe it's from our end. We are so so careful about what we say in front of them.

@HeddaGarbled we have also offered time. Time to help with GCSE revision, trips to places we know she likes, the option to come on holiday with DSS or with a friend, we've tried offering this with just DH and with both of us present. Again, I've perhaps mislead re my comment on him not caring. He does the fun things but he doesn't do the basic feeding things which can be mildly irritating but it has its perks.

The DSD habit of not turning up is well established and occurred before I was on the scene and before she was told she wasn't his biological daughter. I put it down partly to her age, but she is also very attached to her mother and there is clearly angst (when she has visited) about whether her visiting us means she's betraying her mother.

@AnneLovesGilbert the issue for us is we don't have a set time slot to have the children. I suppose we could go through court to establish this, but it's yet more cost. DM already took us to court two years ago as apparently he wasn't paying enough maintenance. It cost us almost £7k. All that money that the kids could have had? The case soon fell through when they realised she was after his house(!) and that he has always and will continue to pay for both children even though one isn't his. They weren't married. She is shortsighted and can't see these things.

If we don't incentivise DSS to come by offering him interesting things to do, he won't come. He isn't encouraged to come by DM. He's never lived in the same house as DF so he doesn't "miss" him. My DH gets upset when the children don't come. He's not heartless and he wants to try his best. Perhaps once upon a time he wasn't so good, but he is much better now with a little help from me. DSD must realise this because DSS tells her what he's done at the weekend so she must know he's got better at giving his time.

Thank you for all your comments, positive and not so positive. They are valued. In terms of further feedback, my issue is not whether I'm taking too much of a domestic role, or whether I'm going to end up being left holding the baby... as I said, that's hormonal meanderings. The issue is...

HOW do you integrate step kids with a new baby so no one misses out

HOW do you tell step kids with a lot of emotional baggage that there is a baby coming

So as most posts on here your question is 'how do I cope with a manipulative ex who is poisoning her children and any issues I am facing is purely all her doing'.

As always the reality is likely to be a much cloudier shade of grey and your OH is unlikely to be as much a victim to the situation as he would made you believe. Your son is probably twisting the truth a bit to tell you what you want to hear because that's what they have learned to do to get busy parents to feel sorry for them.

Take a step back and focus on you. Pregnancy is a magic time and you won't be able to turn it back. You've had a hard time so you deserve even more to enjoy this one. As you say hormones do strange things to our brains. Don't worry about when to announce it, it will make little difference, of course the ex and the kids will know that it will happen, you're young it can be expected. They might react one way or another but that's their feelings and you can't control them.

Let your OH deal with any issues if indeed there are any. That's his responsibility not yours.

I have two step kids and have since had two of my own. Both my pregnancies were high risk and we didn't tell DSC until I was past 20 weeks both times. If you aren't seeing much of DSD then this won't be hard and DSS is unlikely to notice the change if you wear baggy clothes.

First time around we showed them a video of my ultrasound and they had to guess what it was. Second time we did a scavenger hunt with clues that ended with a present from the baby. Then we did the super twee gender reveal cake and let the DSC cut the cake. They absolutely loved it.

You DH reallly really needs to go to court NOW and get a set contact schedule for DSS so his mother can't play stupid games with contact because of the baby. It's absurd you don't already have one. If he's a surgeon there is money to go to court. It's a couple hundred pounds. He doesn't need a solicitor. He can self represent no problem. It will take so much angst and stress away.

Get a sling so your DH can carry the baby while he's out doing an activity with DSS. I don't think you realise quite how little small babies do. Just being held is enough. They don't need to be gazing into each other's eyes all day. DH used to carry both of ours while he took the DSC out to farms/museums etc. I took the chance to get some rest or clean. Neither of the children need to "lose out". They need to be integrated together as a sibling set with some 1:1 time. What types of things does DSS like to do?

I let the DSC help make a list of names. I even used one of their suggestions as a middle name both times. I let them help me pick out stuff for the nursery. We talked about what they'd like to do with the baby. What they'd like to show he baby how to do etc. The Christmas before the first baby came they got presents from the baby. The timing wasn't right for baby 2 so baby 2 gave birthday gifts.

Your indignation at the suggestion of getting in help is um worrying. I'm not sure you have any idea just how intense having a new baby can be....It's not extravagant. It's how some us came out with our mental health intact. You could get a great sleeper and super calm baby OR you could get one with silent reflux who screams when awake and only sleeps on you....