WWYD?! DSS/DSD vs pregnant hormonal DSM (that's me!)

[frankiefumbles]

I'm currently a mere 7 weeks pregnant, and I'll admit I'm hormonal. And I'm a bit scared. FOMO, fear of being left holding the baby etc. Baby is planned, I've had two miscarriages but I'm daring to get excited that this one might stick, so thinking to the future. I'm also going to say a few controversial things here (like...I care about my DSC, but I don't love them).

Let's set the scene. I'm 27, DH 51. DSD (from affair, non bio) 16yo, DSS (bio) 9yo, both from same relationship with ex, she only admitted to having the early affair after the son was born. Naughty... I dreamt it would be possible to be buddies with their DM but it was not to be. I thought, having had no kids, it would be easier if she was on side so I could get important info from her, but she's been difficult (and I have tried hard, but I'm not going to say anything more negative about this). I've got two issues. Firstly, perhaps more simply.

When is the right time to tell the children I'm pregnant? I'm petrified they will find out secondhand. I want DH to tell them in person, whilst I am not present. I want him to tell both children together but DSD very elusive. And then while they are with us we will tell their DM the news so they don't have to tell her. The hitch?

We do not want to go public with this pregnancy any earlier than necessary due to the nature of our jobs and the previous miscarriages and it being my first. We are private people. The moment the children are told, their DM will be told and she will, by nature, gossip. I don't want DH's clients hearing because it changes the dynamic for me and I don't want all eyes on me if something goes wrong again. I want to hide this until I can't hide it any more. But what if the kids find out before I tell them? Gahhh!

Secondly. And this is the hormonal whingey bit.

DH seems to think life continues regardless and combined with the way he sometimes treats his DS (my "D"SS) who comes on the weekends, I'm sometimes just not sure how it'll ever work. He's a hard worker and works late hours so he could only ever really help on weekends. He's a surgeon so we cant afford to unbalance his sleeping.

I'm totally petrified about telling DSS, DSD and his ex but I'm also really worried DSS (9 years old) or the baby is going to miss out on daddy time. Because we have DSS at the weekends it means the only time DH is going to have with the baby and me and DSS is going to be incredibly dilute - which sucks for me, the potential baby, and the DSS! DSD isn't interested or speaking because DH refused to upgrade her pocket money (she wanted the money he used to pay on school fees as pocket money...? Just to set the tone here...). I don't believe she has an issue with me (or my age for that matter, although ex kindly described DH as a paedophile for being with me).

I'm not keen on DSS or DSD at the moment because to me they seem to manipulate him and only be interested in coming when they will get something, and sadly because he wants to be a "good dad" he tries to provide for them. I don't think I'm being silly with this. I feel I've seen a fairly clear pattern with this over the last few years, especially with DSD who predictably turns up just prior to her bday and Christmas and is awol the rest of the year.

But right here right now I'm the picture of a bad step mother because all I care about is the impact on my little bean. I think really I just need to be told to calm TF down and think about this when I'm less hormonal.

Realistically DSD is off the scene by her own choice. But what of DSS? DH works hard during the weeks and needs "time off" and I do honestly believe he deserves at least a half day a week where he can have a break from childcare and from work. Some may argue that's wrong but I think he requires it for his sanity and I am fully on board with being the main baby carer during the week. The only time spent supporting me with baby to be would be at the weekend, less the half day. And this time also has to be split with DSS.

I feel really hopeless. I feel a bad adult for not being more connected to my DSC, I feel a selfish adult for wanting my DH to spend the time with baby to be and me and not with DSS. And then finally I feel bad that because if I want that, DSS would have less time with his dad.

Impossible. I think I'm just hormonal. WWYD re telling children, and then has anyone had any success balancing a new baby with two existing step children and all the emotional fall out from that? Please don't tell me I'm being selfish. I know I am, I'm trying to snap out of it and I might start crying again if you do! ;)

You are being selfish 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks @riley1408. Part of the issue I had, and perhaps I didn't write it, is when DSC it seems he has no idea what to do with them and I seem to be solely responsible for their care (I do all the cooking and activity organising, and he puts DSS to sleep). If I don't do this, he will avoid feeding DSS until I am home. If I don't organise an activity DSS ends up following DH on his errand (think bike shop and barber shop). I'm not sure I've got the capacity to look after DSS and new baby and I feel I'm likely to just go to my parents and leave them to fend for themselves. Maybe it'll be the making of him.

He was kicked out of the previous family home before DSS was born, and so I feel it's not really his fault he's lost touch and doesn't know what to do with them.

@pigeondujour Go elsewhere if you aren't prepared to be constructive.

The constructive course of action is for both you and your bloke to be less selfish. As you know rightly.

Honestly OP, you need to call your DH on his bullshit before the baby arrives. He is a highly intelligent man - a surgeon FFS. There’s no reason he should be incapable of looking after his own child, feeding them, arranging things to do with them.

He may work long hours but believe me, you will be too once the baby arrives. Of course this is one of the few jobs where he absolutely needs as much sleep as possible but you shouldn’t have to do it all.

If he’s a surgeon and no longer paying school fees for his daughter he should be able to afford some help for you in those tough early months. Even some help one day / night a week would make a big difference and is something most people couldn’t afford. You need to discuss this now. You need to talk about how you’re going to split the load.

The DSS issue is a red herring. We have twins so it’s very rare myself or my DH have time with one child on their own and they’re not missing out on anything. Would you feel this way if you had a child already?

You are panicking because you are early in your pregnancy and you've had a really rough time with losses. I've been there and that feeling won't go away till after your scan.

You also feel like this because you are having a child with a man who hasn't stepped up to be a parent to his existing children, why will yours be any different? You need to talk about this now and he has to step up and look after his son while he is there.

His job is irrelevant, he doesn't get half a day a week to himself, his choices regarding the family he's chosen to have prevent that. FWIW my DH has the same job and I'd think he'd lost his mind if he wanted to miss half a day with our children on the weekends he has free. Even if it's just curled up in the sofa watching tv sometimes. He has to be a dad to his son on the limited time you have him, he's chosen to be a dad again so he might as well start parenting properly now. Just like he will do at work, he can multi task and parent both his younger children at the same time.

People will argue this, but the bit you are right on is the sleep, he can't help at night and that is hard going, but it's what happens when the person you choose to have a child with is a surgeon.

Tell the children when you have had your 12 week scan, your overthinking keeping it a secret for as long as possible way too much.

You’ve got to accept that he’s got 2 other children & he needs to treat all his children the same regardless. Your baby can’t suddenly become his only concern. When I read stuff like this I really am so grateful my parents stayed together.

You need to take a big breath and when you have indeed calmed down you need to speak about all this with your oh.

What is coming through is that your oh, due to his choice of career, has not been a dedicated father. Like many in his position, the way he shows that he cares is by giving possessions. Hid DSD is likely acting as she is because she's never known any different.

Will he be different with your baby? Maybe maybe not. Maybe he isn't a child caring person and maybe he agreed on having anither child just to keep you happy.

Or he realised that he sacrificed his kids for his career and now that he sees the outcome is committed to doing things differently this time.

No point in over thinking now. Baby is on its way so you'll have to cope whichever way he acts. Life will likely be very different when baby is here to what you are currently envisaging it to be so no point in stressing yourself. Take it one step at a time and relax.

I think you need to read your own post and realise how badly you both come across.

You sound more like a nanny than a partner.....

If he’s a surgeon and can’t be available at all he will need to buy in some help for you.
You need to put your foot down about paternity leave. He can take it. 2 weeks from when the baby is born, changing every nappy, bringing you cups of tea and doing every meal the first few days while you recover. Once you get to 12 weeks you can start to say this is how it will be.
It’s fine to spend some time at your mums, even on a weekend.
It sounds very unlikely you can tell dsd at the same time as dss, you need to accept that. If you are 7 weeks and not miserably sick, you have a good chance of being able to not tell dss and his second ex till you are 12 weeks.
It is unacceptable to show a 9yo step child in what you say or do that you don’t love them, however you feel. (Given you seem to do most of the care , im sure you are aware of this). There’s nothing wrong with him tagging along with dad on errands etc, but you should also try telling him to take his son to the park or cook dinner with him while you rest.

I must tell my work colleagues who are surgeons - that they do not need to do night duties.

I can think of 5 right now, who will just laugh and tell me it does not work like that with their wives!!

COI: I am a surgeon!

He has failed to parent his existing children adequately and as such there is little hope that he will suddenly wake up and parent this baby any differently tbh.

And by the nature of his job it was always going to be the case that the time spent with his child was going to be limited regardless of whether he had existing children.

The reality here is that you’ve chosen to marry a man who already had children, you can’t expect to have the same experiences having your first child with someone who already has children than if this was your first child together iyswim.

As someone said upthread, if the existing DC were yours you would have to find a way around your concerns, this is no different.

If I’m honest, I am struck by the age difference between you. It’s likely that there is somewhat of a power imbalance in this relationship anyway, and that is starting to show now that you are expecting your first child. but it’s easier to blame the DSC than it is to admit that your husband is an inadequate parent at the times he is available and that now you’re having to face that in its reality because this is going to be your child he’s not parenting.

*Honestly OP, you need to call your DH on his bullshit before the baby arrives. He is a highly intelligent man - a surgeon FFS. There’s no reason he should be incapable of looking after his own child, feeding them, arranging things to do with them.

He may work long hours but believe me, you will be too once the baby arrives. Of course this is one of the few jobs where he absolutely needs as much sleep as possible but you shouldn’t have to do it all.

If he’s a surgeon and no longer paying school fees for his daughter he should be able to afford some help for you in those tough early months. Even some help one day / night a week would make a big difference and is something most people couldn’t afford. You need to discuss this now. You need to talk about how you’re going to split the load.

The DSS issue is a red herring. We have twins so it’s very rare myself or my DH have time with one child on their own and they’re not missing out on anything. Would you feel this way if you had a child already*

This..100%.

Also your feelings are normal. I would be really interested to know how HE sees it working..have you talked? You must have if you were actively trying for a child..

My good friend is a surgeon. She has 2 kids and has a great way of making sure she gets the balance right. She realises that she’s a parent and acts like it. Surgeons jobs are very serious but they are also well rewarded so you pay the money to make it easier but basically you take responsibility. Her partner works full time too so they work as a team.
At this stage there seem to be a lot of problems and already he can’t take responsibility. When to tell the children is the least of it.

I don’t quite follow but are you saying your DSD is not your husbands child ? Does she know that ? Maybe that’s why she’s not too bothered about seeing him.
Your DH spends no time with his children and I doubt he will be different this time. I think you have to accept this is the deal you have chosen. I think going to your mum sometimes at weekends is a good idea. Your DH will then have to spend some time with your DSS.
Do YOU spend any time with DH ?

You need to speak to your h. He's like an extra kid and not a partner and parent and you are a nanny.

It's not selfish that you don't love the kids. Caring for them is fine.

You'll probably have to tell dsd and dss separately- no biggie.

Most children have to share time with their parent with a sibling. Dss has a sibling so will be used to this.

The half day of relaxing thing is 🤣 Your h doesn't parent so all non-working hours are relaxing! Surgeons aren't so busy that they can't have family time. (My brother is one and he spends lots of time with his dd. His wife is more senior than him and manages to spend lots of time with the baby too)

Your h needs to learn how to parent. Yanbu to want to focus on parenting the baby rather than dss. Your h has lots of time to practice cooking and researching places to take dss out to. How can you fancy a man-child like this?

Your dsd turns up for money because her father's behaviour has conditioned her this way. Your h clearly thinks that he's doing a good job as a parent because he's providing financially. By doing no active parenting and focusing on his career, he is sending out the message that his role is to be a bank account. Why would she visit when your h isn't acting like a parent? (I'm sure that you are a nice enough person but at her age I bet she'd rather see her friends than visit you)

Having to follow your parent on errands is part of family life. "B&Q" was an early word that my kids recognized.

My bil is a surgeon, he has 3 kids and has been hands on and done nights with all of them. He is involved in schooling and raising his kids. Your oh is living in the 1950's and you need to address this pronto or you will resent him.

Dsd - does she know she isn't his? That might explain a lot of she does. Pushing him away to see how long he sticks around before abandoning her.

Dss - needs to accept that weekends aren't always fun, they are often boring and involve b&q, supermarket shop, top runs, housework etc

Telling everyone - wait til after 12 week scan of you can. We had to tell dsc when I was 8 weeks, I had horrific hg and mil was in hospital with terminal cancer and dss got very upset as he thought I was dying too.

Does DSD know he is not her bio DF? This is an issue that needs to be considered and addressed.

Your DSC deserve their DF's time and attention. As do you and your baby. Have you asked your DP how he is going to balance everything?

Have the conversations about fair balance of childcare and housework now, don't leave it until it's become a point of resentment.

Lol! He is a surgeon so he can’t help! Actually his training will have prepared him for waking and working at night so he Should he more accustomed. A few minutes awake to change a nappy or give a bottle doesn’t make someone totally unable to work the next day, people who have periods of insomnia don’t stay off work.

I am married to a doctor who works in a very similar area and is able to balance both his work and both his children including doing night duties with the baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm a bit surprised by the number of message insisting that OP HAS to have help when baby comes. Many women get no help at all because of circumstances. I didn't. My OH worked 2 hours away in a stressful job so I did do all the nights and care and he only helped a bit at the weekends but I appreciated he needed to rest too. We had no help from family. It was hard without a doubt but not half as hard as his days were.

Looking after a baby alone is not the hardest job in the world as many mums make it to be and many do it. Don't panic and just see how it goes talking with your oh. You wil need to find what is right for your family.

Its not that people don’t manage without help, it’s that the op shouldn’t let her well paid husband opt out of parenting because he’s a MAN with a an important JOB without at least making him pay for someone to give part of the support he’s too selfish to.

Why would he pay for someone if OP is capable of managing and if she's not managing, why not? Sayi g he's a surgeon is pointless. There is a difference between a surgeon who mainly does injections and a surgeon who does open heart surgery. Similarly some surgeons will not do surgery but are also members of groups and associations, teaching. Etc... and that will take more time.

I can't comprehend how you can be married with someone and plan a baby without having had that discussion before ie, 'you have such a busy life, I wonder if you'll be in a position to help parenting our baby on a regular basis'. Surely the answer would be either 'ill reduce z, y and z because I am desperate to spend more time with the baby and you having learned my errors from my lack of parenting of my other children' or 'sorry darling, you know my work will always come first. I'm fine with you having a baby if that's what you want but I won't be in a position to do much parenting so you have to be OK with doing most of it'.