Who else is dreading the Christmas row?

[Wheresthel1ght]

So it is getting to that time of year where the dreaded Christmas conversation row begins.

Exw demands she has kids every year for part of Xmas day and will argue to the very last second about whether she will let them stay here on Christmas Eve. It came to a massive head last year as the kids are a lot older (mid teens) and basically told me their dad that they didn't want to be shunted back and forth anymore, wanted to alternate Christmas so they got to spend the whole time in one place. We said we had no issue with it at all but that they would need to have the same discussion with their dm. She went nuts and dsd ended up very distressed and we had issues with her wetting the bed (she was 12) because of the stress. Dp tried to talk to his exw who basically said she didn't give a stuff what the kids wanted, it was her way or no way. Dp lost it and told her that she either played fair and listened to their kids or he would see her in court because he was sick of her ignoring what was best for the kids in favour of what suited her. She ended up agreeing to alternate but only if she had them last year. We agreed as it seemed best way to keep the peace.

It should be dps year to have them and I have asked him to open discussions with her at pick up this week. It should be an easy conversation.. It is their weekend with us in the run up so am swaying towards seeing if she wants to split the weekend or swap so she doesn't have to go 6 days over Christmas without seeing them. I know she will refuse to it being dps "turn" and will argue black is white that she did not agree to this. I tell dp every time to get it in writing but he doesn't bother.

Any one else dreading it?

Or better yet, anyone got some positive stories of it all being OK in the end?

snowy are you the ex wife? you seem to think you know these kids better than the op.....

keep going as you are wheresthel1ght* you are obviously doing a great job

Thanks @0ccumsrazor I am fudging my way through it all... And hoping that we get most of it right.

I just want the kids to not have to deal with fights etc.

FFS of course the DS isn't going to sit on Santa's knee but it's not beyond comprehension that he may enjoy seeing his 5yo sibling getting excited to do so! The magic of Christmas doesn't just disappear once a kid no longer believes in Santa.

OP you sound awesome! I suspect Snowy has experience on the other side of this argument, i.e. being an unreasonable ex. Can't see why she would be so nasty to you otherwise.

Snowy you say I very much doubt they are in a massive rush to have breakfast with santa!!!!! Maybe he sent the text and was being ironic. Is he also going to sit on Santa's knee and ask for a present?.

This is such an non-argument though! My 15YO DSS would and did go to a breakfast with Santa or such like for the sake of his 6YO step-sis! Not because he believes in Santa or whatever but because he wants to be part of her experience and see her little face light up! You are just weird Snowy if you don't get that!

Q

Actually he is quite a joker, so he probably would insist on sitting on Santa's knee, telling him his wish list and getting a gift just to see the response from the santa!

Both dsc are old enough to not believe but I adore them for pretending so that it isn't ruined for their sister.

They both fully participated in writing letters and posting them under the fire ready for Santa's elves to collect because dd wa doing it. In fact it was dss who insisted they did it so she didn't guess it wasn't real. He also snuck down in the night and emptied an entire pot of edible glitter all over the fireplace and my carpet little sod so that dd would think they had really been

I think I need to start padlocking my bloody baking cupboard

My DPs Ex did this. Had the kids every single year, and they were let come to ours in the evening, but only when she wanted to snuggle down with her boyfriend. otherwise we wouldn’t see them at all. And to top it all she was the one who would be happy for them to come to ours every single other weekend of the year
And in fact never speaks to me because I dared to say I needed to be told when she sent kids around in holidays unexpectedly, when DP was at work.

So I hear you!

What I used to do is always have an alternate Christmas with the step kids and mine, the weekend before, no matter what. No turkey, but we’d do a secret Santa present, we’d play a game, I’d have crackers. Also I got them involved in decorations, and doing the tree.

But yes you should just insist this year. No discussion! Just, state what days and ask if she’d like them Boxing Day or the day after.

“Kids, really feel for you this time of year. Don’t want you to feel pulled in two directions. Would love to spend Christmas with you here but would much prefer to know you’re happy with arrangements and not stressed at all.

So.... if you’d like to spend Christmas here as you were with your mum’s last hear and we agreed alternate Christmases, then we will talk to your mum. But if you’d prefer to stay with mum again this year, don’t worry about it. We will have a fab time on the xyz”

That is what I’d say

@excited that conversation already happened hence me promoting him as they will ask again over the next few weeks.

Their dm asked us to have them an extra weekend so her and om could go away became a week when she dropped them off We said yes although dp had to take holiday as I was away (she only asked about 3 days before). Well we gave them the choice, weekend with their dad and no 5 year old hanging about or coming away with me to see my family and their kids (all around dds age) and they picked their dad. They did some pokemon day thing in our local big town and ditched dp who spent a happy few hours playing in b&q, but when they went out for dinner dsd apparently asked what was happening about Christmas and was it OK for them to spend it all with us as they had stayed at their mums last year. Dp told her that was his understanding but he would speak to their dm. She is an anxious kid and needs to know it is sorted or we will face weeks of her complaining of tummy ache and bedwetting.

His exw will say it is too early to discuss and stonewall but I am adamant we will not allow her to. She might not care that her dd gets very upset by the uncertainty but I do and she has enough on over the next few weeks as the school insist they pick their gcse options in y8 and before Christmas so she is already worried about what she wants to do versus what her dm will let her do. She wants to do art but dm wants her to so business studies and the timetabling means she can't do both. When she came to me I told her we wouldn't force her to do anything, she was old enough to know what she wanted to do (she wants to be a veterinary nurse so business won't help her and neither will art) and we would be happy whatever decision she made. But I did tell her her dad would talk to her mum about backing off. I haven't at all paid the £50 for her to do an advanced art course at school designed to give them a headstart on their gcse course despite dsds begging... Honest

Sorry, with a teacher head on, you need to look at minimum entry requirements for the job she wants and take options from there. On the face of it neither art nor business studies would be particularly useful but it might be with a look at what else is in that option block. If she needs to go to uni, the business studies qualification may be favours over art. It may not. But some sound advice NOW will help. Is she a talented artist? Because if not, a grounding in business doesn’t do any harm for any profession!

@ohreallyohreallyoh the final option blocks haven't come out yet. But she is absolutely adamant she doesn't want to do business studies.

She is very talented and would do well at an art gcse. I think she would excel more doing a course she enjoys and will put the effort in for than one she hates.

But I agree and have told her she needs to look at university courses and see what requirements they have and decide from there

More than that, have a chat to an admission’s tutor if possible. Ultimately, a uni wants bums on seats but if over subscribed, they have to make a choice between potential students. Some courses will have a need to be academically bright -so business studies might be viewed better. On the other hand, being an all rounder with interests that are not just academic is also important. But if she is gifted and it is her only ‘light’ GCSE, it’s probably a sensible option.

Thanks @ohreallyohreallyoh that's great advice.

Honestly she isn't about to see the light here. Just go to the solicitor and get the ball rolling because I'm not sure you will get it done before Christmas this year. It's a bit late if it needs to go to court. Did he get her to agree last year in an email so he has proof? Really all correspondence should be written if it's about contact so there so it's less disputable.

@KPjoenix I am not sure, I suspect it was done via text but he had to change out his phone so I don't know if he backed it up. This is why I keep nagging him to do it on email. However, she is an absolute bugger for not replying and answering verbally so have told him he needs to start emailing with 'as discussed at pick up' so he has back up

You sound like a lovely step mum

I might not even bother asking. He doesn’t need her permission. Bringing it up now might cause her to put pressure on the kids. If you have them that weekend anyway then you can just keep them for Xmas day.

If he has to send anything I’d just say, “DSD and DSS have brought up that they want to be here for Xmas Day. I’ve let them know this is fine and has already been agreed between us.”

You sound like a fab step mum and I totally understand you being involved in discussions with your husband as you're a team!

DP's ex has decided she absolutely has to have DSD every Christmas because "that's DSD's time with her grandma" Also the same story for Sunday nights and pretty much any time DP asks to have his DD except when it suits ex as she decides she wants to go to a festival and then DP has to have her at the drop of a hat and there's never any discussion.

I really feel your pain and think it's definitely time to go down the court route if it's something you've already considered.

Thanks.

Do spoke to his ex and basically said as per the agreement reached last year the kids would be with us for Christmas and she could collect them at her convenience on boxing day. He has acknowledged as I suggested that as it was our weekend in the run up did they want to hang on to them friday/Saturday so she isn't without them for the full 6 days. She is apparently thinking about it.

The cynic in me says she will flip her lid and deny said agreement ever happened, but we are ready with a letter to send advising if she doesn't not stick to the agreement reached then we will be taking her to court and we will insist on the court speaking to the children without any parent present so they can advise what they want without fear of reprisal.

Dp has asked if I would have an issue with him going for 50/50 residency if he does take her to court. Says if he is going to pay he may as well ask for the moon on a stick. Have told him it's fine and he can go for full custody of he wants.dp has done a roast dinner today cos I am poorly. Kids have told him that he isn't allowed near Christmas Dinner "cos mum's cooking is bad but dad yours is awful. Wheres please don't let him cook" so we used it to have a chat that dad had spoken to mum but not to get their hopes up. Dsd says she is staying regardless as mum refuses to make her roasted parsnips and sweet potato and she really wants a "proper" Christmas Dinner... Think it's safe to say her loyalty lies with her belly!! So my Christmas table looks to consist of parsnips, sweet potato, pigs in blankets, Yorkshire, proper roasties... Kids are still arguing over meat options. I love turkey and roast beef but dss is wild about gammon cooked in cola dm refuses point blank to cook it and he eats me out of house and hone when I cook it! I can see 3 lots of meat in the table!

Is there space for one more OP... my loyalty also lies with my belly

Hopefully the kids DM agrees

Haha @whiskeysourpuss it's pretty much open house here... There is usually enough to feed the 5000

Their dm wanted rid of them about 8pm Christmas night last year, guessing the kids kept trying to raid the fridge (according to dss she undercaters ie there are 6 living in their house, dm, om dss dsd and their 2 step sisters, she will do 2 10" pizzas to feed them all) They poled into my kitchen and within 5 minutes the microwave was going and dss was asking me to make gravy... The pair of them polished off a full roast dinner and pudding before bed.

Dss refuses to eat at his mums in a Friday they are due here and gets one of us to pick them up as soon after school as we can because he is starving and hates his mums cooking. I doubt she is as bad as he makes out, but I think she is quite set in her ways so they eat the same thing every Monday etc and will not deviate. He says that he will ask for curry or gammon in cola and she flatly refuses. They get input in the menu here provided that they come to the supermarket and help out and they often ask to be shown how to make stuff. In fact dss cooked Spag bol for him, dp and dsd when I was away the other week. Not sure dp knows he was whatsapping me while he was doing it to check he was doing it right! He was so proud! And dp said it was great.

Dss saved me some and it was really good for a first attempt. I did ask if he wanted to save it for his mum but he laughed at me and said she wouldn't care and it wasn't like he was allowed near the kitchen at home to even make his own breakfast (he is 15)

Dss asked if he was still allowed a Christmas tree in his room this year or was he "too old" told him he can do what he likes in there, it's his room dsd took great delight in telling him that it was hers once he goes to uni

Can you not come to an agreement that one of you have Christmas Day every year and the other one has Boxing Day? If you don’t get caught up on the dates then either can be just as special.
We agreed that i’d have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and he’d have them overnight Christmas Day through to Boxing Day. It works for us, as our family have a get together Christmas Eve and his family have a get together Boxing Day.