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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Who else is dreading the Christmas row?

72 replies

Wheresthel1ght · 07/10/2018 20:45

So it is getting to that time of year where the dreaded Christmas conversation row begins.

Exw demands she has kids every year for part of Xmas day and will argue to the very last second about whether she will let them stay here on Christmas Eve. It came to a massive head last year as the kids are a lot older (mid teens) and basically told me their dad that they didn't want to be shunted back and forth anymore, wanted to alternate Christmas so they got to spend the whole time in one place. We said we had no issue with it at all but that they would need to have the same discussion with their dm. She went nuts and dsd ended up very distressed and we had issues with her wetting the bed (she was 12) because of the stress. Dp tried to talk to his exw who basically said she didn't give a stuff what the kids wanted, it was her way or no way. Dp lost it and told her that she either played fair and listened to their kids or he would see her in court because he was sick of her ignoring what was best for the kids in favour of what suited her. She ended up agreeing to alternate but only if she had them last year. We agreed as it seemed best way to keep the peace.

It should be dps year to have them and I have asked him to open discussions with her at pick up this week. It should be an easy conversation.. It is their weekend with us in the run up so am swaying towards seeing if she wants to split the weekend or swap so she doesn't have to go 6 days over Christmas without seeing them. I know she will refuse to it being dps "turn" and will argue black is white that she did not agree to this. I tell dp every time to get it in writing but he doesn't bother.

Any one else dreading it?

Or better yet, anyone got some positive stories of it all being OK in the end?

OP posts:

WhiteCat1704 · 08/10/2018 08:33

If your SC are 13 and 15 it's really too late for court. The 15 year old especially can inform his mother what he is doing...she really can't stop him..next year he will be old enough to live independently so it should be a non issue.

The 13 year old is a bit more difficult but if it went to court her wishes would be most important at that age..so I would say SC need to sort it with their mother.

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 08:46

involved in the magic with both their parents it absolutely is

You are loading way way too much emotion into this op. Realistically they are 13 & 15 not young wide eyed children! The only magic they will be interested in is what is happening on their screens and what time lunch is being served. The magic of christmas would have happened when they were young and little and you were not there. They were with their parents.

You are digging in your heels needlessly.

Let it go, step away and leave your dh to organise with their mother. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. At some point you may have to accept that the children will stay with their mother if they want to.

I would organise two christmases

Magda72 · 08/10/2018 08:58

@Snowymountainsalways - if I'm corrected these teens have a younger half sibling & it seems to me that the teens are loading the emotion iyswim. If they have a sibling of Santa age then they probably want to share in the fun of that which is totally understandable.
My dd is almost 13 & while quite grown up is also really missing aspects of her childhood. I can see that she tries to recapture/preserve some of that through her younger siblings (on her dad's side).
Seems to me that @Wheresthel1ght is only trying to honour what the teens want.
I'm a dm & fwiw I think there are as many atrocious dms out there as there are sms! And an atrocious dm is worse for any kid than an atrocious sm!

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 09:03

Magda72 Your child is 12, there is a huge difference in development between 12 and 15!!! Until you get there you can not appreciate the massive changes and believe you me no 15 year old I know is going to go near the whole 'santa' thing.

I imagine the teens are caught in the middle, not wishing to hurt either side. Which is very sad. Op should not get involved is my completely my view.

Magda72 · 08/10/2018 09:17

@Snowymountainsalways I also have a 16 yr old & a 22yr old - both boys & both very happy to do kiddie parties, Santa time, Easter bunny egg hunts etc. when they are around and not in school/uni.
Of course they don't do this stuff all the time but they are very happy to be involved on their terms.
OP's dscs have requested a Christmas with their dad & that should be honoured.

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 09:42

Magda72 Your 22 year old does the easter bunny hunt?? You are losing me now to be honest.

Don't you mean they simply help out all the while hoping to get on and do something more interesting in the same way an adult would? At 22 they are adults?!!

This is NOT the same as the magic of christmas with young children and you know it.

The teens should decide and op should stay out of it.

Bluebell878275 · 08/10/2018 09:50

You've done nothing wrong, OP, this is absolutely your business and as a partner to your husband and an equal member of your family, you have every right to be involved.

I have to do the same with my husband, remind him of certain things, advise him on timings etc... I certainly would not get involved in their conversations, or speak to the ex myself, but, as my DSD is my family too I certainly have a voice. We had problems with the ex over Christmas and other things.. we found a letter from our solicitor was enough for her to step-back and interfere less than she always did.

Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 09:51

@snowymountains u suggest you read my posts properly. This is what the teens want. This is not about me it is abiut them and what they want. Stop being such a bitch and either offer constructive advice or take your hairy hands elsewhere

OP posts:

Magda72 · 08/10/2018 09:53

@Snowymountainsalways I'm not sure what's so hard to understand - I think my posts are pretty straightforward.
My reading of OP's posts (and maybe she'll throw light on the matter in a later post) is that the older kids want to get in on the magic for their younger sibling by doing stuff like Santa's footprints, which is exactly what my guys would do under similar circumstances. In that way they are both helping out & included.
Furthermore my 22 year old is more than capable of saying no to something but if he's around & gets involved he does so willingly & with good grace as he has a great sense of humour & fun.
It is also my understanding from OP's post that the teens have made the decision themselves & that OP has posted as she is anticipating a row whereby the teens decision will be challenged by their dm - OP is not trying to influence the teens decision - THEY have already made that decision themselves.

NorthernRunner · 08/10/2018 09:54

wheresthel1ght
I haven’t got anything constructive to say, I have just read the thread and wanted to let you know that I think you sound like a wonderful Step mom, your dsc obviously treasure you and their sibling and really want to be with you at Christmas. I hope this works out for you all. Xxx

whiskeysourpuss · 08/10/2018 09:57

Ex & I have alternate Christmas in our court agreement but we've never stuck to it religiously & it has tended to be if one or all children believe in Santa then they stay together on Christmas Eve with the other parent having the kids from 2pm on Christmas Day.

So previously I've had Christmas Eve as DS has believed & DD's (from my first marriage) are older but have kept up the pretence.

Last year none of them believed so the girls spent Xmas eve with me (don't see their dad) & DS was with his dad & stepmum.

This year ex & stepmum are having a baby & DS wants to spend Christmas with the baby and then in subsequent years baby will believe in Santa so DS will spend Christmas Eve there & come to me at 2pm on Christmas Day.

Just because kids become teens doesn't mean the Christmas magic disappears & having younger siblings that still believe means they can stretch the magic out without losing face & being considered uncool.

I suggested putting the gifts under the tree this year as none of them believe in Santa anyway & DD2(16) pitched a fit at not getting up to find her Santa pile

Obviously we've been lucky that there's big enough age gaps on each side so that no children from both households have believed in Santa at the same time our system wouldn't work if there were a 5yo in each house.

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 09:59

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Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 10:08

Thanks @northernrunner I appreciate your comment.

@snowymountains I sound awful... Why because I am a step mum.because I am trying to ensure the kids get the Christmas they want? Your posts are visious and ignorant and show you have not read the thread. As I say, take your hairy hands elsewhere

OP posts:

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 08/10/2018 10:13

Hey OP, of course you'd be involved in discussing this. You might not be the parent but you and your husband are still a team and it's absolutely right you support each other in all matters - every relationship should be like that and it shocks me that people think one with step-kids shouldn't!

I will say, my girlfriend isn't too obsessed with exact dates whereas her ex is, so we're pretty chilled about her girls spending the day with their dad's family and doing our thing with them a day either side - they're younger kids though :)

Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 10:21

@newlevel thank you! I agree. I am not involved in the discussion with his exw but I absolutely am involved in the discussion with him over what happens in our home. We make joint decisions on everything. His exw didn't even discuss the kids school options with him (or them for that matter) when making their senior school application. We are indeed a team and the kids see and respect that, more so now they are older.

Dss has text me this morning with various breakfast with santa venues and the following "JUST REMEMBER THERE ARE 3 KIDS TO BOOK IN"

I love that at 15 he still wants to be part of the magic. Even if it is pretending for the benefit of his 5 year old sister!

OP posts:

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 11:14

flamingofridays · 08/10/2018 11:26

At some point you may have to accept that the children will stay with their mother if they want to

but they don't want to... that's the whole bloody point of the thread

Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 11:32

@flamingofridays it's the whole agenda thing again. I am ignoring the deliberately hairy handed posts.

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 11:34

Op I would in your dh's shoes give the dc a front door key each and let them know that they are always welcome home.

They at their age vote with their feet.

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 11:34

age can vote

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 11:37

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Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 11:38

@0ccumsrazor they aren't allowed a key, their dm has a history of walking in our house and has confirmed if the kids have a key she will use it. There is a key safe and they know the code and aware that no one is allowed to know it. They are also fully aware that this is their home and they can come and go as they please. The only condition is a courtesy text of they want fed. Where dss is concerned it usually goes... "hey wheres what's for dinner" and dsd often appears when she wants the sewing machine or messages along the lines of "can you pick me up from school and we swing past Aldi and grab extras for tea, I am starving"

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 11:44

Op you sound really great, the dc are lucky to have you as a member of their family

ThanksHunkyJesus · 08/10/2018 11:51

And as his partner, mother to his child and a key presence in the lives of my dsc I am also entitled to ask what is happening and be involved in disucssions about things that effect me and my home.

This, all day long. You already know it so just hold onto that in the face of idiots telling you that you're over involved or toxic. Some people don't know the meaning of the word toxic. I wonder if this thread has touched a nerve for some people?

NorthernRunner · 08/10/2018 11:54

Toxic??
I haven’t got that from the OP at all, quite the contrary in fact.

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