How to not feel like an outsider with DSD

[Coffeepleasethanks]

Hi all I was hoping people with similar experiences can help...
I have a DSD (we're not married but for ease that is what i call her and she would refer to me by name but as her DSM if that makes sense lol) who is 10. She is a lovely little girl and we get on well. I have been with her DF for a few years now and we live together etc. etc.

We have her 2x a week overnight, the night vary but it is always 2. I have no children of my own, although we are going to start trying at Xmas, and so little experience of children/parenting and definitely not step parenting. Of course, no one goes into their adult life expecting to be a step parent, and whilst generally I feel like it's fine and we have a great relationship, there are times I feel a bit like an outsider/3rd wheel so to speak.

There are times where I feel like when she's over I'm just pushed aside (by DP, not her) and it is a regular occurrence that I'm booted out of my seat so they can sit together and cuddle/watch a film and I'm just expected to get out of their way. I know this time together is really important for them but I just hate the way that it makes me feel when I'm 'pushed out' so to speak. I wouldn't want them to not have time at all so I guess I'm just asking how best to manage my feelings about this?

It's just a bit rubbish feeling like your a part of the family when the school run needs doing or DP is running late from work so I watch her, but then to be expected to get out of the way and not be part of the family when they want cuddle time/movie time etc.

I start to get a bit anxious on the days I know she's coming over at the thought of being excluded from my own sofa/living room and it's awful as I adore her and love when we do activities together etc, any advice on how to not feel like this?

Can't you all cuddle? Dp on outside n you by arm of chair so he cuddles her at same time - solved. We alternate so sat him n kids n then Sunday all of us.

I think I’d have a word with your DP. I think that some of the time, it’s okay to be the outsider, they will always need a one to one relationship. However, not all the time and not every evening. She should be going to bed at a reasonable time too.

How about suggesting to your DP that one evening you’ll just leave them to it, and you can catch up when she’s in bed? And the next evening, you all watch something that all of you like, and you sit with DP, but maybe not really cuddling just to ease everyone in to feeling like you are also part of the family? She needs to get used to you too.

Been there.

My DSD (now 13) have known her 4 years did many of these things. Had to sit next to dad in restaurants, at the dinner table. Had to hold his hand when we were out, had to sit on the sofa by him, wanted to sit in the front of the car with him (that wasn’t even entertained).

I always tried to remember that she missed her dad. I spent almost every night with him, she saw him 2 days out of 14.

The watchout is are other kids in the family getting a look in, attention. The light bulb moment for my OH (despite me raising it with him) was in the summer when we went to a BBQ and she literally spent 6 hours sitting on his knee with arms round his neck (despite there being kids of her own age to interact with).

I do think with DSD’s there’s an element of the queen bee status sought. Everyone in our household is equal. Your OH needs to make her feel loved and wanted.

Oh and the advice above about bedtime is a good one. My DSD fights sleep and bedtime and it’s a battle to get her to go to bed (she would argue at 11pm - far too late for a then 11 year old).

Personally for my own sanity I need kid free time.

I know the feeling well. To some extent I think it's unavoidable and you just need a bit of a thick skin. My advice would be

• Give them a bit of time together by going out at least occasionally when she's round. Take the opportunity to catch up with your own friends - that will be a lot harder if you have your own baby in the future. Make the most of it now.
• See if you can rearrange the furniture or get a new seat or sofa so that you can have your favourite seat and they can also cuddle up together without turffing you off. A 3 seater sofa maybe? Or put an armchair where you like sitting best?
• Do some things just with DSD and you. Whatever you like doing, but I think it's quite easy with girls that age to find things you can do with her maybe better than her dad. Mine liked my taking her shopping at that age. Or cooking? Doing something together for your DP (eg buying him a birthday present or cooking a special meal) can be a nice way to build up a relationship without excluding him either.

But my younger DSD was 9 when I met het. She's now 18 and although we get on great, it's still her daddy she wants a hug from, not me :( I'm not sure I really expect that ever to change tbh.

I think that it's just getting to grips with accepting that as Step parents we are outsiders and that's fine.
I could have written your post but now I just accept it and it's much better.
DSD and DH are downstairs together now while I surf the net on a shard of sunlight on our bed upstairs.
To about my resentment I do Very Very little in terms of child care/ anything parenty him and it works well.