New Baby

[Weetink]

Hi! This is my first time posting here, I'm just looking for other people's opinions really.
So....I'm a divorced mum of 3, aged 14,9 and 7. After my very hostile (!) divorce I kept my married name so as the kids and I would all be the same. I am now in a relationship with a divorced father of 2, aged 8 and 5. We are expecting our first (and only) child together in December. We are a little jigsaw family, my side the Wilsons , his the Downes (not the real names!) and all the children go to the same school together. Its so important for me, for like all the children to feel equal relationship to this new baby. I hate double barrelled names, but I obviously want this my to carry his surname Downes but I don't want my children to feel as though they aren't part of the family in name, as we will be marrying further down the lines. I know he has a problem with the baby carrying my x husbands name as a double barrel, as do I when I look at it as his name, but I see it as all the children being tied by name. This is probably really garbled but I have severe baby brain and my thoughts are all over the show! Please share your opinions....

Not appropriate to use you’re exs surname I wouldn’t when I had my other two dc even tho ds has a different surname he knows he’s a member of our family.

But I don't just view this as my ex husbands name, it's my name too. I've had this name for 15 years

I'd double barrel it. Agreed this is your name now

It's your surname. Double barrelled is sensible and includes a connection to all the children.

Hi @Weetink - my 3 kids have their dad's (my exh) surname. My dscs have their dad's (my dp) surname.

I never took my exh's name for various reasons.
Dp & I will marry soon & I will still keep my own name. So, in a family of 8 I will be the only person who doesn't share a name with anyone. It's a bit weird but it's fine.

My kids have never shared my surname but it doesn't mean they feel more linked to their dad, his dw & their half brothers just because they all share a name. I know for a fact they don't & consider me their prime family unit despite never sharing my name.
Honestly your kids will be fine if their little sibling has his or her dad's name.

If it's important to your dp I'd let this one go. It may feel like your name too but to your dp it will always be a reminder of your ex & tbh I can see why he wouldn't want his child carrying what is essentially your exh's name. Let's face it it wouldn't be your name if you'd never met him (your exh).

Do all the kids live with you full time?
If it's actually yours there nearly full time and his just at weekends/part time then I think there's no danger at all of yours feeling they're less connected to the baby than their step-siblings are. There are lots of ways to feel connected - you can talk about when you were pregnant with your older ones, talk about who looks like who, let them hold the baby, etc. I don't think the name is that big a deal. And personally I feel it's not a bad thing to take a father's name to kind of help forge a deep connection between father and child - as a mother I feel you have that automatically having carried the child

I would say just do what-ever feels right for you and your family. There really is no "normal" in blended situations.

Having said that given your hostile divorce I would think the last thing you'd want to do would be to keep your ex husband's surname, and I can't imagine ANY man being genuinely happy for his child to have another man's surname. A name doesn't tie your children together, the relationship you have within your family unit is what ties it together.

In my case I had my ex husband's surname as did my 2 children.
My DH has 3 children, but their Mother had refused to give them DH's surname so they have HER surname, with the exception of the youngest who she allowed to be double barreled.
When DH and I married, I took his surname.

So in our family of 7 we have 4 different surnames. It did cause confusion initially with new schools etc but it never really caused an issue, and certainly it never bothered the kids, or affected their relationship/how they felt about being part of the family. They don't refer to each other as step brothers and sisters, they always say "this is my sister/brother". By the way this was something that just evolved over time, it was never something we mentioned, it's just something that happened naturally because they were raised as one family (and it helps that they all (well, with one exception), get on really well).

If it's important to you not to change your name, and it won't cause an issue with your new man, then keep it. If however your DP isn't sure, then maybe you need to give it some more thought/talk to your DP some more. It's one of those things that if he isn't totally on board with, it could fester away quietly in the background.

I can understand him not wanting his child to have your ex husbands name. I’d not want that either.

My kids all have my name, which I never changed. When youngest was born, there was discussion about him having DPs name. I wouldn’t have minded really if he was adamant. But DPs wife still used his name and he hadn’t married me, like he’d promised! So I thought, well in a way his name is still owned by his first family, why not duck all those tricky issues and just have mine.

Me and my other half talked about this hypothetically (we do not plan on any children together). We also talked about names upon marriage.

Our conclusion was that we will double barrel both our surnames even though my name is my ex husbands. It really doesn't bother him as he doesn't see ownership of surnames as a thing. And neither do I.

We would be happy to call children with the same double barrelled surname, not that we would have any.

Just a thought to bear in mind too, a name defines our relationship to a particular person at a particular time.

For example you are wife, ex-wife, mum, step-mum etc depending on the relationship a person has with you, and your surname helps clarify that relationship to others. When I was single, I naturally had my maiden name. When I married I took my husband's name. I kept it until I remarried because it was easier, and then I took my new husband's surname because firstly I was proud to be known as his wife and also I felt that it was not longer appropriate to be associated on that level with my ex husband.

It's less complicated for your DP, but in essence the same thing applies, and will be the same for your baby.

I'm guessing your DP has a problem with his baby bearing another mans surname, even as a double barrel, because it's HIS baby, and nothing to do with your ex and that's perfectly understandable. As your new baby gets older, how will he/she feel about having a surname that associates him/her with a man who is not their father?

As I said previously, you need to do what feels right for you, but you also need to think about what works for the family as a whole, and isn't going to cause problems further down the track.

I don't understand why you can't go back to your maiden name? I really can't understand why women feel the need to keep an ex husband surname. While I understand you say it was your surname for 15 years, that was a surname you shared with your ex husband and for one reason or another the marriage ended.

I don't think I could have the same surname knowing his exwife carried his name too especially if I was expecting a child.

If your DP wants you and your child to share the same surname then in my opinion your DP takes your maiden name then there's no ownership. Neither set of children will loose out because they will have the same surname from either the exwife or exhusband. I would not have it any other way.

Also it would be bloody awful if by any chance your child ended up in the same school with your DP children and they mistake your child as the exwife .

Why don't you come back to your birth surname and add it to your kids surname and the baby to come will have the same surname and his/her dad's. My children have 2 surnames and when I marry in September I won't be changing my surname...