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Original poster

Interfering ex wife

27 replies

BrownCurls97 · 30/09/2018 18:43

Hi ladies,
I have a bit of a dilemma and I'm unsure what to do.
I'm in my 20s, and I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and have lived with him for just under 3 months.
2 months ago we unfortunately had a miscarriage of twins and we have decided that we are ready to start trying for a baby. This would be my first child and his third.
Unfortunately he has a very annoying interfering ex wife, that he has two children to. She has told him she wants him to have vasectomy and if he had kids with anyone else then he wouldn't be able to see his children with her. He's only recently divorced from her as their relationship just didn't work out, however they have a weird relationship, they do childish things to get back at each other, and they constantly argue, she rings him 2-3 times a day and asks him to go round at stupid times at the night. I'm not comfortable with their relationship, I understand he needs to speak to her for the children but now it's starting to affect me.
So stuck on what to do?

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 30/09/2018 18:46

Court order with agreed acess and contact methods. But ttbh your partner would need to want to sort the relationship with his ex out so it's less demanding.
I'm sorry for your loss also op X

fruitshot · 30/09/2018 19:00

Does he see there is an issue with their dynamic?
If he doesn't, you're fighting a losing battle and I would rethink what your future plans are here.
If he does, he needs to clearly set some boundaries, but you need to come up with them together.
If you try and dictate to him what should happen, it won't be stuck too, so it needs to be more a mutual understanding of how you both think the ex relationship should work.

From an outsider, he needs to tell her to piss off. You can only hope she will meet someone and move on when she isn't desperately looking for attention.

Tahani · 30/09/2018 19:02

Sorry for your loss

Is it a bit early to start trying again, and you should really sort out his relationship with his ex and dc before you both have dc?

Loopytiles · 30/09/2018 19:05

You are not “ready” to ttc: the relationship is new, you are young, he has two DC and a difficult relationship with his ex. As you’re not married presume you plan to return to work full time?

Can he afford to financially support his existing DC? How often does he have them now?

He can arrange regular access via the courts if necessary.

SoupDragon · 30/09/2018 19:08

they do childish things to get back at each other

And you want to have children with this man?

Not that I’m ignoring the XW’s comments but aren’t they as bad as each other?

fastfooder · 30/09/2018 19:12

To be honest if she is still being this was and they are doing silly childish things to each other I would think there’s something sill there... also unless he is going over for the reason of his children I would seriously not want to be involved and bring more children into this.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 30/09/2018 19:20

They arnt done with their relationship. I would run for the hills

JulietteGrimm · 30/09/2018 19:47

Walk away. If he were prepared to put proper boundaries in place it would be different. But he isn't, so you are going to end up spending the rest if your life dealing with this crap.

Original poster
BrownCurls97 · 30/09/2018 19:49

He has a court order and he has set days when he sees them, she just tends to call him at 9pm to put air in her tyres or ask what he's doing.
She has a new relationship, but tells my boyfriend that she is not with them, but his children say other wise.

OP posts:
LoafEater · 30/09/2018 19:58

You’ve only been together a year, you are very young and he is the father of two with a difficult relationship with his ex. Please don’t have a baby in these circumstances, it sounds horrible.

Rageymcrageface · 30/09/2018 20:14

I'm sorry for your loss, but this relationship is moving way too fast. Leave them to their games, find yourself someone with no family baggage and live a little before ttc again. Thanks

Blackoutblinds · 30/09/2018 20:16

Run. Don’t look back.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 30/09/2018 20:34

Why on earth can't she put air in the tyres herself?

Aprilislonggone · 30/09/2018 20:38

Until he prioritises your feelings over hers you are flogging a dead horse.
Sorry for your mc.

Tahani · 30/09/2018 20:43

i would also back away unless he is going to put his DC first and then you, and not her?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 30/09/2018 21:39

@Blackoutblinds my thoughts exactly

HerRoyalNotness · 01/10/2018 01:47

I’m sure there are less complicated relationships out there for you. It won’t get better, you’ll spend years pulling your hair out.

stellabird · 01/10/2018 02:08

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Neither of them is over their relationship - why would you want to get mixed up with a guy who is still tied to his ex wife's apron strings ? Ringing him to put air in her tyres ....and did he do it ? Please walk away really fast and don't look back.

swingofthings · 01/10/2018 05:39

OP take some time to read all the threads and how quickly things can go very wrong and SMs can end up very miserable. All was great at the start one common theme when it goes wrong quickly is often how quickly the relationship started and the new partner became pregnant.

Moving with someone 9 months after meeting them and pregnant before being together a year is quick in all circunstances but when you get together with man just divorced with unfinished business with the ex, and with already two children, it is almost a story bound to fail and more children caught in the middle.

So sorry for you loss, it must have been devastating, but there is no need to rush anything. Take time to make sure problems are resolved before deciding to add yet more challenges in the mix.

CountessVonBoobs · 01/10/2018 05:51

Recognise that this situation has "disaster" written all over it and walk away.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2018 05:52

What are your plans for financial and emotional stability? Because you won't get those things from him. I wouldn't plan a baby with this man, not in a million years. But if you do, make sure you get your money and your support nailed down, you're going to need them.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/10/2018 07:49

So, I think his response set to these phone calls/demands is key here. Does he agree straightaway to go and put air in her tyres? Or does he tell her to do it herself, or learn how to?

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 13:48

I’m sorry for your loss.

I agree with other posters and think it’s time to leave. It will never get better unfortunately.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 01/10/2018 14:34

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

But this relationship is very, very new. You don’t know him yet. And honestly it doesn’t sound like he and his ex are over each other. If it were me I’d be moving out.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 02/10/2018 09:46

So sorry about your miscarriage.

I’d run for the hills. There are lots of men your age without kids. Please don’t take on the Ex and all the drama. If you got pregnant it will get worse and you won’t have all that lovely time, pregnant, with the newborn, with just your partner’s attention. Believe me it’s horrible. The day our baby was born, DPs Ex phoned at midnight to have a long chat with DP. And the next day. And the weekend after... and he went to her house day 2 while our baby was in the special care unit. You don’t want this do you?

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