Feeling sad for DSD

[LMW1990]

It was my DSD harvest festival today. DSC stay with us Tuesday Wednesday Friday Saturday but on school mornings they go back to DM who takes them to school as we have to go to work. DP reminded DM about today at the weekend (because despite all 3 of us getting school updates, only myself and DP ever seem to be aware!). I made sure DSD had her contribution to give as per the message from school. DP could not attend. Until this year DGM always attended as she worked at DSD school but now DSD attends another junior school. I could have gone and made everyone aware that I could. Myself and DM do not get on. We stay out of each other's way. If she can attend a school event I do not (unless a repeat performance). She is their mum and it should always be her place to go. She was not at work this morning. She was reminded again this morning. She made no comment about not attending. She did not attend. Now DSD is upset and I feel terrible because I could have gone! This is not the first time this has happened. Should I, in future, just go myself? I feel awful for DSD.

Ask your dsd what she would like? If she asks you to go and you can then go and sit away from the mum. That's what I do. Don't feel upset about the dm not going as that's not your responsibility. Just ask dsd next time and see what she feels? It is hard. I understand the conflict well

What does she prefer? If she asks you to attend the event just avoid the other mom. Honestly try remembering that you are there ultimately to support your family. No one else. I know what you are feeling right now and this is hard. Can you explain things to her?

I don't tend to ask DSD in case she feels conflicted. But maybe in future I should, to avoid heartache. The poor kid came home last night really upset because DM told her she would be there and wasn't. When things like this happen she gets very clingy to me - wanting to help with whatever I'm doing, read to me, do her spelling test. I really felt awful for her last night.

You sound amazing!

We have had this a few times over the years with dad and school stuff. Their dm ALWAYS goes to dss stuff but virtually never goes to anything for dsd.

We have taken to just making sure we can go and if work means that neither dp or I can attend then my amazing mum steps in.

Really lovely to see a DSM being so lovely and positive with her DSD on here.

Just show in future don't pose it to DSD in case she feels she has to choose, if you feel you can rely on a DM no show.

If she does show, and is put out, claim a mix up.

Thanks Guys!

It's so hard to know what to do sometimes, where to draw the line and where my responsibility ends. At the end of the day they have a mum and dad who are perfectly able (and in DP case willing) to go to the things they should. I'm just an added extra if you like and I want to be involved. I enjoy the time i spend with them. I absolutely cannot stand it when avoidable upset like this occurs. We have a couple of child free nights per week and I just spend them missing the kids. DSD has space week next week at school so I spent one free night doing a Space wall in her bedroom to teach her about planets etc. They are my absolute world and I can't imagine feeling any differently

Another time I'd just go of you're free, and sit somewhere well away from the DM if she's there. But no need to feel bad about her mum not going. Plenty of kids have parents who work and won't have attended and it's not ultimately your responsibility to go. Best not make a big deal about it

It's DSS harvest festival on Wednesday and I'm going with their grandma as she works part time. I'm so looking forward to it! I try not to feel guilty about her actions and I know I have no control over that aspect. What irks me is DM told DSD she would be there in front of DP that morning at 8am. Come 10am she's a no show. It kills me to see DSD upset over something avoidable. Anyway, going forward I'm just going go as suggested here. It's a very rate occasion that DM actually turns up so I'd rather take the risk and be there for the kids.

On my way to see DSS in his harvest festival. DP also going as he managed to get time off. I'm super excited! It's the first thing I've been to for DSS and we've kept it a surprise