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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can we talk about step daughters please ( and dads that don't parent them)

20 replies

malificent7 · 25/09/2018 00:56

My step Dr used to be a sweet child but due to her dad being too soft, she is becoming rude and demanding.In his eyes she is 'an angel and can do no wrong. In the past he ( and his ex) have overlooked her putting unwashed fingers in nutella jar , licking it off then back in jar repeatedly. He buys her sweet treats ALL the time and allows her to moan at him and speak to him like he's crap. She is 9 and I have witnessed him helping her get changed as she wont do it herself. She's always on screens and never does chores. A major bugbear of mine is that on days out together she has expected Dr and I to make ourselves scarse so that she can spend time with dad. Things are getting better but he's definitely a Disney dad who can't seem to say no and just spoils her rotten. She was funding sex education hard to stomach so do and his ex decided to keep her off school and take her on a nice day out to 'protect' her whilst at the same time wondering why their c.f. has no resilience. She has been known to hit kids and then cries when they tell her dad and he will not believe that she has done it. I make her sound like a monster...She's not. Dp was devasted when his wife cheated on him and split. I think he feels a lot of guilt . He's naturally a softie but I'm strict with my dd and she is much more resilient as a result. I also think that she sees me as a threat to time with her dad. I do love the child but I just think she's being spoilt. It's very frustrating. It's hard being second to daddy's little princess.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 25/09/2018 00:56

Step dd sorry.it sounds awful...It's not too bad but I needed a rant!

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Original poster

malificent7 · 25/09/2018 00:57

Sorry for typos

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swingofthings · 25/09/2018 07:25

Nothing much you can do. I know a few parents who are bringing up their kids like that and are not separated. It doesn't have to be about guilt. I agree with you that protecting kids all the time is impacting on their ability to become resilient and lead thrm to struggling to cope with the slightest frustration, conflict or challenge but that's very much part of our society nowadays.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 25/09/2018 09:32

A few things I agree with you on , the unclean hands and talking to her dad like rubbish but that’s up to him to deal with.

She should be able to have some one to one time with her df she’s not asking much and you shouldn’t see it as a bugbear but her time with her df is limited,chores cleaning up after yourself yes keeping a tidy room yes but I wouldn’t expect her to be dusting or cleaning if she’s only there set days. It’s clear that you both parent your own dd differently he might feel your overly strict on yours and you think he’s too soft on his child.

Original poster

malificent7 · 25/09/2018 10:57

I am very encouraging to him to spend time with her as if I don't she gets clingy which is understandable.
I guess I don't lime it when she wants dd and I to make ourselves scarse when we are out and about...I'd rather just do my own thing in that case.

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Madmarchpear · 25/09/2018 11:01

Is your dd his?

reallyanotherone · 25/09/2018 11:07

It doesn’t sound like it’s just him tbf. His ex sounds just as bad.

If they have always been indulgent parents I doubt much will ever change. Even if he does make an effort he’s going to overruled by his ex and placed firmly in the “bad cop” narrative. So he’s stuck too.

How old is she? All you can do really is be polite, firm, and give reasons- don’t stick your fingers in the nutella, it introduces bacteria which will use the sugar to multiply and you’ll get food poisoning. I’m throwing it away to avoid you getting ill. Then objective gained, no more nutella, but you aren’t disciplining so she can’t accuse you of being mean. Same elsewhere, lets get an early night so we won’t be too tired to go swimming/shopping/whatever.

Buy unless his ex is also on board it is up to them as to the level of discipline.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 25/09/2018 11:10

Best part of my marriage to a Disney Df was the last day. Knowing I would not have to deal with dsd and her dm again was uplifting. Imo your dd won't be happy with such a set up where she isn't allowed to be so indulged (ie is properly parented by you) while dssis is pandered to.

tictac86 · 25/09/2018 11:20

Step parenting sucks and my dsc ate adults

HeckyPeck · 25/09/2018 14:40

It sounds much more difficult when you have your own child too.

For me, it my DH decided DSD shouldn’t tidy up after herself/do any chores I’d leave him to do them himself if that was his choice and get on with my day. I appreciate that’s much more difficult when you have your own child if one is expected to do chores but not the other and I’m not sure what the best way is for that.

I guess I don't lime it when she wants dd and I to make ourselves scarse when we are out and about...I'd rather just do my own thing in that case.

I think I would just do my own thing with DD and leave them to do what they want to do. That way she gets time with her dad and you spend time with your DD and added bonus of not having to witness any bad behaviour/slack parenting!

If he wants to fill her with treats and let her watch screens all day, then I guess that’s his choice. It’s a shit and unhealthy choice IMO and I’m not sure i’d want to be around watching that.

It must be crappy watching someone you care about being ruined. They call it “spoiling” for a reason.

Original poster

malificent7 · 25/09/2018 17:22

Dd and I have learned to roll her eyes when he fails to believe that she would never do anything bad.
I going the bio blindness hardest to deal with.

Example:
Dp: dd is crying as xx accused her of hitting them and she didn't.
Me: ok.

Dp goes out.

Dd comes in: Mummy dad hit xx...I saw her.
Me:

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Original poster

malificent7 · 25/09/2018 17:23

He literally thinks she's an angel. She is but not in a above being a normal child way.

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HeckyPeck · 26/09/2018 10:54

I think that would drive me mad OP!

Is your DD a similar age? What does she make of it all?

colditz · 26/09/2018 11:05

I handle it by being factual and disengaged (with the drama, not the child)

eg "Daddy said I could have a whole bag of Haribo so I'm not sharing them!"

me "That's an unhealthy choice for you to make. Make sure you brush your teeth afterwards or they will go black and smelly"

And then I don't bring it up again. And when I used to have to field questions like "Why has she got all those sweets and I only have 10?" from my kids, I say things lik "I love you and I know that if you eat too many sweets, it's unhealthy and your teeth will rot. You need room for your dinner for real energy that makes you grow, not fake energy that makes you run around and then throw up. I love you, I'm in charge of you, and that's what's happening."

DsD knows I love her too, but she also knows I'm not in charge of her. Nevertheless, approval is a very very powerful tool and I find her behaviour improves one millionfold and all I have to do is catch her making good choices (which she likes to do because she's a nice girl). All I have to do is mention calmly, "That was kind, DSD" and she will be a sharing delight for weeks.

You can't ban her from things or improve her behaviour by authoritative means, but all she has to hear is you praising your child for her to catch on that this is the behaviour you want, and this is the behaviour that you will praise.. AND praise from a person who rarely praises is worth far more than sweets from someone who never says no.

HeckyPeck · 26/09/2018 11:18

That’s great advice colditz!

Original poster

malificent7 · 26/09/2018 12:16

It's my dp that drives me nutty with this tbh...I think I should mention it to him.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 26/09/2018 12:17

But he's a wonderful man. Hate to say it but I admit I'm jealous . Bad I know.

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HeckyPeck · 26/09/2018 12:49

I think it’s quite normal to have feelings of jealousy and annoyance.

Have you ever spoken to him about any of it before? I think I’d go along the lines of being worried about the impact it is having on DSD rather than it annoying you as he might be more likely to listen if he realises it’s not good for her?

Original poster

malificent7 · 26/09/2018 14:16

I have spoken to him but i just told him he was pandering to her...not the effects.
I think if he was more firm when she wanted me to wonder off on a day out then I'd feel better. But then I have dd only a small percentage of time.

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MycatsaPirate · 06/10/2018 12:50

You need to tell your dp our story. DP was also a Disney dad, but only with his youngest DD. His oldest and my two were all treated the same but his youngest was the perfect child who could do no wrong. She also learned how to turn on the tears if she was in fear of a telling off and consequently never got told off.

Then she got to 13 and came to us one week, asked to stay at her friends. DP said no, first time I think he'd ever said no. That was the last time she came to us. She kicked off massively and refused to talk to her dad the rest of the time she was there. Their relationship is in tatters and it depends on who you speak to but it's alternatively my fault or his fault that she won't talk to us. Won't give us a reason, nor will anyone else.

So tell him to sort it now or he will be dealing with huge problems down the line.

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