Is there anyone with adult step children?

[idontknowwhattohave]

Has anyone got any advice on how I can make things easier with my adult SDs so I don't feel so "cancelled out" by them at times

My DH and I met after both of us were widowed. We've been married 12 years - I have no children and he has 3 adult children who have their own families and apart from one SD, they live away and we see them 1/2 a year.

To begin with SD2, I'll l call her Jen, was fine with me and said she was pleased her dad had found someone so nice, but she often ignored me and cut me out of conversations and deliberately talked over me or constantly tried to challenge everything I say eg if I say something is red she'd argue that it's green.
Much of the ignoring has got better over the years and we get on very well most of the time, although I wouldn't class us as best friends.
Although I say things are good between us Jen can still behave in a way that makes me feel cancelled out and yesterday I felt this when DH and I were round seeing them - she was challenging things I said. It's like as if she doesn't like me or want me there. I realise a lot of this that I'm not her mum and that it's not really about me. I often wryly tell myself that it's because I'm "not Jens mum" All I went is to be accepted as me and not because I'm not someone else. I feel like I'm blamed because her mum isn't here but none of this my fault - I'm a sympathetic tolerant kind of person I make lots of compromises where SD is concerned and I'm sensitive to the fact that my SD have lost their mum, who sounds lovely and I even think I'd have got on with her, but I wish they accept me as me.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can make things easier. A

I do have adult DSDs, who completely ignore me on the whole. I’ve given up trying to engage, they obviously don’t want me around at all and just complain to their Dad about me. I guess if they are only visiting 1/2 a year then that’s not very often, and maybe they don’t have a great relationship with their Dad to start with. I don’t think it’s that unusual to be rejected by step kids, particularly as they get older, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Stop trying when they visit, and do something with their kids instead. Form a bond with the step grandchildren.

I wonder if you could facilitate more contact with their Dad? Invite them all to a birthday, or to a day out in London? Make sure it is clear it is facilitated through you and they have to contact you about it. They might not go for it, but they’ll get the message that you are including them in your lives together.

Im i suppose an adult stepdaughter though as my dad met her when i was already an adult she does not get called step mum and never will. My dad isnt widowed so its a different situation . How long after his wifes death did he meet you? is that an issue for them? have you or your partner ever asked them why they dont seem to like you?
Does he visit them on his own?

Btw I totally relate to being challenged all the time. It’s a bit aggressive. My DSD who lived with me did this all the time, often then quoting her Mum too, so it was a lot about making sure I wasn’t accepted. It can help to just challenge this, ‘nothing I say seems to agree with you? Is there anything we can agree on?’ Or ‘is there a problem?’ Or just fading out.

Yes, I've got three adult stepsons , all late 30s . Their dad and I have been married for 10 years and in that time they have all totally ignored me. My DH is divorced from their mother - she is a very helpless sort of person , and I think the three boys feel that their father should still be there taking care of her . They are not openly unpleasant to me - they just ignore me . Thankfully we don't live near them, so visits are infrequent.

My own AC couldn't be more different - they have always been friendly to my DH, he is Grandad to their children, he is just one of the family. This isn't because of anything we have done - I just think that my children are nice people and his sons are not !

I doubt that there is much you can do to change things - they are all adults and if you rarely see each other, you may just have to accept the status quo. Good luck !

I don't speak to either of my step children. They were fine while we were giving them money but when we were tapped out they wrote to us and said they were not going to pay us back and they never wanted to hear from us again. Nice!

@stellabird Do your SC have their own children ? Are you their Grandma if so ?

I am an adult sc and my dad was widowed too. Sometimes I like to just have dad on his own. He’s the sort of bloke who is completely different alone than when with his partner. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s nice to spend time with the old dad and reminisce without him feeling divided in loyalties between his old life and his new one.

I don’t view my dads partner as my stepmother because I was an adult and left home before they got together. And although my mother is dead I really appreciate her not trying to act like my mother, I don’t need another one.

I think, as an adult SC, it's really hard. I really like my stepmum and we get along great - but there's certainly always the underlying feeling that I'm betraying my mum and a tight belt of resentment that's hard to get rid of that they're not your mum.
It's like being torn in every direction by loyalties - even when the people aren't trying to make you feel torn.
I try and let it go and then Dsis or DMum will be upset about something or DSM will say something or my SBros and then it comes back.

This seems to be a universal problem to which there is no easy answer.

My Mum passed away nearly 9 years ago. My Dad has remarried a lovely lady (let's call her Anne) who he and Mum had known for years (they were in the same clubs as Anne and her husband, who also passed away some time ago). My Dad and Anne are in their 80's. My brother and his wife have accepted her, and 90% of the time get on really well, but sometimes there is an uncomfortable atmosphere and I've never really understood why. Anne has never tried to replace my Mum (as she's in her 80's and my brother and I are in our 50's that would be ludicrous) and has always been kind, supportive and loving. Most importantly she makes my Dad very happy and has been incredibly good for him... yet there is still something that upsets my Brother.

I don't feel right calling Anne my Stepmother, even though legally she is, so I don't. I call her my friend, because she is.

I know the way Anne is treated sometimes by my Brother is hurtful, especially as she's done nothing to warrant it. She just shrugs it off and says it's his problem, not hers.

OP you may never know why Jen behaves the way she does, she may not even know herself, our emotions are weird and tangled things sometimes. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing, and keep reminding yourself that it's not your problem, it's hers.

escape - No, none of my husband's sons have children. Two of them still live at home with their mother, and the one who is married but his wife cannot have children. So no, we don't have any grandchildren from "the boys" as they are called . To me they all seem immature , still clinging to their mother's apron strings ( even the married one).

It is quite shocking in a way how common hate or ignoring of a step mother is. It seems to be more common than getting on with SM. And when you think of how many families have a SM, of any age, that means a lot of difficult families out there.

I’m not sure how this will pan out in the future. It also does seem to be particularly bad for step mothers over step fathers.

I do think that consistently excluding, ignoring or being mean over time to a step mother is one of the last silent areas of abuse and discrimination. No other group of people, just because of their role, is automatically blamed like SMs are. I think it’s time we called out adult step children who are mean to their step parents. The trouble is, the people in the best position to do this are the Dads, who are often too guilt driven to stand up to their kids.

However I’m all for being really respectful as a step parent. You have to give the parents and step kids space and time without us. And we have to expect feelings will be wobbly for a time - but not forever.

If the visits are 1/2 times a year could you go for one then your DH go for the other? That way you only have to see her once a year (bonus!) and it might mean she’s a bit nicer when she does see you?

I’d probably make an excuse “oh no, that’s such a shame that I’ve already got plans with X that day. You should go DH, I’m sure she love to spend some time with you.” so it didn’t cause a drama. And make sure to do something nice yourself that day.

Life’s too short to spend time with people who are rude to you!

She just shrugs it off and says it's his problem, not hers.

This is a good place to be if you can get there.

Thanks for your replies they're really kind and thought provoking you’ve given me plenty to think about. I'm glad it's not just me - I wasn't sure what response I'd get by posting - l thought I might be told to be nicer to SD or consider her POV more, etc. Or that I'm imagining her ignoring etc of me.

It is so insidious and subtle I often wonder if I'm imagining it, but I see how SD is with her MIL and by the things that MIL says to me I can guess that I've been discussed by them. One of my strategies is to love bomb the MIL - to be really nice to her.

I know that SD tries to undermine me to her friends but in time as they've got to know me and me them we actually get on quite well. It's the same with DHs first wife's family I get on well with them too. So I know it's not me being a horrible person. I just keep banging on, trying to be me and to be accepted as me, without making an issue of things with my SD, my view being that I’m the mature adult here and it’s up to me to set them an example.

I did discuss it years ago with my SonIL in very roundabout terms and he thought it wasn’t SD Jen (his wife) who was the perpetrator but her older sister who now lives abroad and I rarely see her except to FaceTime, things got better after that - so I think the message got to it’s target

I do feel sad and hurt that because of SDs subtle undermining of me to our grandchildren they don't see me as their "proper" granny, but I keep working at it with them. I’m the one that’s alive and here for them and they see me and their paternal granny "getting on" well too.
Families come in different sizes and shapes nowadays and I see families that have new partners that are accepting of the change, but sadly, lots that don't, It’s such a waste.