My Dd very unhappy at dads & Stepmum house - what do i do?

[rattyfraggle]

Hi this is a long one - sorry!
I divorced 8 yrs ago, i have 3 dd's aged 19, 15, 11. They took a long time to adjust to the separation but as they have got older they understand things better. My ex married 4 yrs ago to a nice woman, no kids but tried very hard with my girls. The problem that i have is this - my ex and wife had a dd last may, last week they had another dd! my younger two have been completely pushed out, for the last 2 years, all they and me have heard is ' well * is pregnant so she cant do ..x,y,z, I'm sorry, but when i was pregnant, life had to carry on as i am sure most of you out there did the same!? My 11 year old now lives with me full time as she has fallen out with her dad and st mum. She has been suffering with an ovarian cyst, heavy periods and hormone problems for about a year and i admit, she can be hard work when she is not well re moods etc, but she is only 11...basically her dad has told her that she is just a naughty, attention seeker and he actually told her that she has to undertsand that his pregnant wife will always come first! Obviously my dd was gutted and after a lot of arguing, shouting and tears, she asked if she could live full time with me, to which her dad said, yes it would be better for her (the wife) if she lived with me for the next few months or so.(I will add tho that she has had a normal preg with no prbs at all)
Since the new baby was born, my 19yr old has become 'mum' to the 1yr old, finished with her boyfriend cuz she doesnt have time to see him, my 15 yr old has been told that she cannot stay as her dads for a couple of weeks, cuz his wife 'doesnt need the hassle'and my 11yr old cannot sleep there again until they decide that she can behave!! I am so angry...like my 15yr old said, she's not 3 - she can cook and clean and can help! My 11yr old is now on medication and being treated and is certainly not naughty, they are devestated, they want to bond with their new baby sister and so far, at a week old they have been allowed to see her for 2 hours!!! How do i deal with this, on one hand i want to scream at him for making them, especially the youngest feel so sad, but on the other hand if i say anything i get shouted at and accused of causing trouble. God, bloody hell - i am getting wound up writing this now - so i will stop. Sorry to go on, but had to give the whole picture.... help please!

Thats a really difficult situation you and your girls are in. I am sorry you all feel so hurt it must be so dificult . I am in a second relationship and pregnant my partner has a 16 yr old son who lived with us for the first 18 months of me and partner being togethor and though he was a good boy for the most part he did resent me being such a big part of his fathers life and demonstrated this in a way only teens can moods and more moods lol bless him its hard to articulate your feelings when your a rage of hormones . On the other side of the coin my 5 year old who has been around my partner since she was 2 played a few war games herself which shocked me i was amazed she would be so sly in ways of getting my attention and as for my partners son i have to admit i to have felt relief when he hasnt been around. I dont condone the ill treatment of any child ever but i do see how as mothers we will defend our children no matter what the circumstance and thats how it should be! Right or wrong ... This woman may resent your daughters moods and not see all they need is reasurrance from dad and from her as well. Every side has a view and it seems every side is sticking to that view! but a lot of tongue biting and patience on your part could let your daughter know there is love in your arms and whatever she may feel at the moment (my guess is pushed out by her daddy) When every one calms down and sees things from the other side things will get better though not all at once it will take time. This may or may not help but weather it does or not i want you to know i sympathise with you and hope things improve for you soon

This is difficult but I would say that we all know the topsy turvy world that is having a newborn and a week in is not how it is always going to be. It's hard sometimes being a step mum as you sometimes feel that you will always be criticised.

I had a hideous labour and c-section, only to be told I was "late" coming back up to the ward 9 hours later as dsd was waiting to see her brother. I felt like I couldn't get myself straight as her needs were being put first.

Things will settle down. I do feel for you though and your 11 yo dd especially as she is dealing with a lot. The main thing is that her mum is there for her.

I think its time to remind your ex that he's a Father of 5, not 2.

It's gone on a bit long hasn't it, 2 years really. From the other side of it, having a SD and just had a newborn, I wanted 2 weeks to ourselves to bond as a family unit, but my wishes were thrown out by g/parents the first day when they turned up at hospital with SD in tow, despite hosp reg'saying no children unless PATIENTS child, and DH saying please don't bring her. Really annoyed me as they always put the GD first regardless of what DH asks, and he doesn't stand up to it. 2 weeks wasn't too much to ask IMHO, but 2 years is OTT.