Teenage sex

[keh88]

We have just received a call from my 14 y/o step daughters school informing us that she has disclosed to a worker that she is having sex and sex with her boyfriend last week. He is 16/17. She was put on the pill a few weeks ago by her mom mainly to try and manage her periods as she suffers from heavy and irregular periods together with excruciating pain. She told us that her mom made her tell the nurse at the family planning clinic that she is having sex and has continually told us that she isn’t and that she isn’t stupid. Having spoken to her mom she said she didn’t force her to say anything and that she suspected she was having sex but didn’t keno’s for definite. We are now stuck on what to do. Given the boys age we are concerned that he pressured her into it but obviously can’t say for sure because she is known to be a bit of a liar when it comes to some things to try and get herself out of trouble. Do we:
a. Stop her seeing him and potentially make it worse because she’ll just sneak off and see him anyway or potentially self harm as she has in the past
b. Contact the police as it is technically rape as she is only 14 and risk making it worse
c. Contact social services for advice as she seems to be out of control
Our main concern is that she could end up pregnant as we don’t think she has been taking the pill properly. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.

To be honest, as shocking as it seems it's not all that unusual now.

I don't think any of your answers are really advisable.

Going off the handle with any of them will make her less likely to confide in any of you.

Perhaps just remind her about the risks of unprotected sex, make sure she knows where to get condoms and be ready to listen.

I mean this kindly but I can’t see any justification for either a) b) or c)

My priority would be:

If she isn’t taking the pill properly, get a better form of contraception in place in addition to condoms

Work out who is the best person to talk to her about whether the sex is actually consensual etc. Did the worker from school have any concerns about this? Did they ask? Would this person be mum or is there someone else say an auntie or trusted adult? Could you? The best person to have this conversation is whoever can remain calm and keep the dialogue going.

Understand that, sadly, nowadays it’s not all that unusual.

Get some support for yourself.

On the basis of this she is not necessarily out of control. Social services are unlikely to be concerned unless there are other issues

I would get her a contraceptive implant rather than the pill for starters. Just goes in her arm.

Then, unfortunately, I'd have to back off. You can't stop it happening, by trying you'll drive it underground and away from help and guidance.

This is one of those situations that every parent (step or not) dreads, and we've been there.

If your SD has a history of self harm she will be more easily swayed by this boy. Having sex makes her feel loved/wanted/desirable etc. Her sense of self worth will be tied into it big time. Waving the big stick/calling social services/the Police is tempting, but will only make it worse.

When it happened to us, SD was 13. Totally denied it of course but the truth came out eventually. It was a hideous time. However we were given some really good advice by friends, so for what it's worth...

• You can't stop them, however hard you try, and the harder you try the more it will push her away/she'll lie/sneak out etc
• Don't turn the boy into forbidden fruit. That only makes him more attractive.

We didn't trust SD to take the pill so she went straight on the injection. We also sat her down and talked about safety - emotional as well as physical. We said that we hadn't always been this old and we understood how exciting/nice etc it was, but that we needed to make sure she was safe. We talked about the need to be open and honest with us. We said that whilst we might not always like what we would hear, we would always listen and always be there, and that we would always love her, no matter what.

THEN, we kicked off with phase 2 of the plan. We invited him over. LOTS. We included him in every family event. He came on holiday with us (with boundaries of respect etc in place). We also gradually made sure that a bit of distance was introduced by making it harder for her to get to his place. For example we'd say "yes of course we can take you over, but I just have to do XYZ first/on the way" etc so it took a little longer/was more of a hassle. Not all the time, but enough so it was easier for him to come to our place. We figured at least if they were at our place we knew she was safe.

Eventually it fizzled out, and thankfully, we avoided pregnancy/STD's. She still has lousy taste in guys and a few self esteem issues but that can be said for a lot of us :)

Hang in there

Nor being funny, but why aren't you leaving this for her parents to deal with?

She has 2 parents in her life...but you're the one writing a thread about it.

I would say that she is more likely to tell the truth to a seemingly 'neutral' school worker, rather than a parent or step-parent. What purpose would she have to lie to that person? I was sexually active at 14 and put myself on the pill, my mother found out by me being careless and leaving the packet lying around.

My advice to you is NOT to do either a, b or c. All three of those options will leave her resenting you and seeing you as 'the bad guy'. If she is sexually active with her boyfriend, none of these will stop it. If they do, it will be under circumstances that will not not stop her from doing the same with the next guy she starts seeing. What you need to do is actually talk with her, not in a way that makes it obvious the school has been in contact letting you know that she may be using the pill for anything other than period regulation, as that may stop her talking to the one person she feels she can confide in with things like this, but with real life stuff.

Things like bringing up your own period problems (whether real or not) and saying how taking the pill is so annoying because you have to take it every day at exactly the same time otherwise you might get pregnant accidentally. Suggest she sets an alarm on her phone half an hour after she gets up (so it doesn't accidentally get snoozed) to remind her to take it as thats what you do. Be her friend, not her enemy.

I was sexually active at 14 and put myself on the pill, my mother found out by me being careless and leaving the packet lying around.

I also feel like I should clarify that her response was a bit shocked that I was sexually active, but her words were "well at least you're being sensible about it". There was no calling the police, SS, banning me from seeing him. Her reaction meant that I felt I could go to her if I ever needed to, she wasn't going to berate me or 'turn me in'

why aren't you leaving this for her parents to deal with?

I can only speak for myself, but as a Step Mum who's raised my step daughters since they were 7 and 9 respectively, they may be my step children, but I AM their parent. I am as responsible for their upbringing and well being as their Father and Mother. Also for us, sometimes they are not comfortable talking to their Father about things, like sex, and as they live with us, not their Mother, sometimes these conversations simply can't properly be had on the phone, or via txt or Skype, so they talk to me.

As a step parent it's very easy to say "not my child, not my problem" and to some extent, that's true. BUT it IS your problem because you have to deal with the fall out whether you do something about it or not.

If it was my child I'd do this.

Contact the police as it is technically rape as she is only 14 and risk making it worse

A child that age can't give consent and he should know better.

Contact the police and ruin the boys life, have him put on the register when she most likely was consensual and possibly lead him on.
Think about the consequences of all options.

people are asking why I'm not leaving this for her parents to deal with. I am asking for 3 reasons:

1. Her dad has asked me for advice and before I tell him what I would do I wonder what others would do in this situation.
2. She was removed from her mother's care at 3 years old for extreme emotional neglect and abuse and whilst she still sees her I wouldn't rely on her parenting in this instance
3. I don't have children of my own and whilst I would probably not react the same way as many parents would.

I have since spoken to her in more of a "friend" capacity rather than a mom and she has told me that she has not had sex with him, the key worker at school confused her with the way she was firing questions at her about him and the fact that she is on the pill to control her periods and not for having sex. I'm not saying I don't believe her but she does have a nasty habit of lying about things. We have also spoken with his mom and she has told us that if she knew that she was only 14 she would never have left them alone together. Both SD and him led her to believe that she was 16.

So for the people asking why I'm not leaving her parents to deal with this, the reason is even though I didn't give birth to her I have helped raise her since she was 6 years old. Unfortunately she has also had the negative influence of her mother leaving her confused and rebellious.

Honestly i would just make sure she knows she can talk to you if she needs to and be there to support her.

I say this as somebody who was pressured into sex at 13 by my 16 year old boyfriend. Phoning the police, preventing her from seeing him or phoning social services is only going to push her away from you. Please just be there to support her.