Need to vent...

[Star455]

A bit of back story. My dh and I have been together for almost 20 years. I have two sds from his previous marriage and we have three of our own.

My dh has always been a 'Disney dad', we had his daughters every weekend, he payed maintenance religiously and bought them a house to live in with their mum.

The eldest sd is now 27, youngest 22. The eldest sd never really liked me- mainly fuelled by her mum. She was dreadfully spoilt, rude, etc but we survived and she is obviously now an adult. Younger sd had less issues growing up and we are on relatively good terms.

The reason I'm posting is that I would genuinely like some advice from other step parents about how to proceed now they are adults. The younger sd is graduating tomorrow, neither myself or my dh were invited. My dh caught on to the situation and is now going along aswell as the older sd.

It is quite obvious to us that we are never going to be treated as significant in their lives unless they want money. They have zero relationship with their three half siblings and take no interest in our lives.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really but thought there may be others out there in similar situations. I feel like we are constantly banging our heads against a brick wall. If my dh tries to pull them up on their behaviour they just block us out of their lives. So we're left in a situation where we must hand over money/ jump if they need something but otherwise keep quiet.

Sorry for the ramble... I always imagined they'd grow up and things would get better. Sadly this is no the case. Anyone else?

They’re adults now so they shouldn’t be getting any money, especially if they act like that. Personally I would be concentrating on their younger siblings.

Mine are only young so I can’t help at all but sorry you’re finding it difficult

Thank you for your replies. It's so difficult to know how to move forward. After all the years we've invested, it seems madness to become estranged from them. But equally I don't feel it's right to carry on being used in this manner. We want to do right by them but they're not bothered about doing right by us.

After all these years you are always told, 'they'll grow up and appreciate you and understand you have to say no sometimes . That's parenting. But apparently not.

Well the answer’s obvious isn’t it? You just don’t jump when they need you, and you stop handing out money!

Hi @Star455 - personally I feel that children of divorced parents often get way too much attention (physical, emotional & financial) from one parent &/or both which leaves them feeling 'special' (in all the wrong ways) & entitled.
You mentioned that your dh was a bit of a Disney Dad - well unfortunately he's now paying the price for that. That sounds harsh of me but I don't mean it like that at all. However, it's obvious that finances were used as a bargaining chip all along - kids who see a divorced dad support their mum (as opposed to just them) often take this as the normal way of doing things (dad financially supports everyone) & expect & demand similar as their due.
Too often in divorces the child-parent relationship equates love with money.
I think all you can do here is stop giving handouts - they're adults. Don't tell them they're not getting money etc. because they're behaving badly - that will only increase the equating love with money, just tell them financial independence & manners are expected because they are grown ups.
Unfortunately they may disappear out of your lives for a bit but with any luck they'll cop on a bit as they get even older.

They’re adults now so they shouldn’t be getting any money, especially if they act like that. Personally I would be concentrating on their younger siblings.

I agree.