My partners kids are rude to me

[Abby2018]

I have been with my partner for many years now and now that his kids are adults i feel even more invisible than ever. I feel most days overwhelmed with emotions and blame my partner for being blind to how i am treated or not treated. My partner says nothing to his kids about manners to me which makes me feel very unloved by him. I think he would rather have me feel upset or stick his head in the sand about the situation. Example of their treatment, on Christmas his daughter came and gave him a present clearly for a male and the card wished him merry christmas only. Am i being stupid after all these years to excpect change. I need advise on how to move forward and be happy.

Do you really want to be with him? Honestly life is too short.

Can you give more examples of what it’s like? I have a step father who I love dearly but it’s only since I reached mid 20s that I addressed cards to him as well as my mum. I never ever thought of it as rude. I would get him a little present though

What does he say when you speak to him about it?

Op, how old are they? Do you think they are merely thoughtless or is it intentional & spiteful.

If the card was only for him, it sounds intentional. Have you explained to your oh what you expect him to do? You need to spell out why this is so hurtful, and why you expect him to return cards until they are jointly to you both.
If that fails, I would refuse to cook food when they were present, challenge them on it in front of him, embarrass him and call them out.
And be prepared to leave unless it changes. You should not be expected to go in to old age being treated with contempt in your own home.

OP I feel for you. It's a horrible situation to be in and unfortunately there are no easy answers, especially as it sounds like a large part of the problem is your DH's inability and/or unwillingness to deal with it. Also it sounds like it's been going on for years, so it's going to be even harder to change.

To start with, talk to you DH. Tell him how you feel - but be careful to say it's the behaviour that upsets you rather than his children. Otherwise he'll instantly be on the defensive and you'll get nowhere. I'd also tell him that you need his support and understanding. He is enabling the behaviour and, if it hasn't already, that will start to affect your relationship as you loose respect for him. I suggest you decide what you will, and won't tolerate, set boundaries, and stick to them. You'll need to figure out what will and what won't work for you.

For me, every time one or other was rude/disrespectful I'd simply say, "That's really rude and it's not ok". I also said that if they expected me to cook for them, do their washing, be a taxi etc then the rudeness had to stop. I also told DH in advance what I was going to do, and that I needed his backing. For a while he stuck his head in the sand and pretended it wasn't happening too, but once it started impacting on him directly (i.e. he had to be the taxi or do the cooking etc), it changed pretty quickly. If I hadn't it would have been difficult, but not impossible. Needless to say it took a while (I don't think they believed me to start with), but they got the message eventually. Of course when I went through it they were children, not adults, and that made a big difference.

Whilst the situation improved dramatically and was good for a number of years, sadly my eldest SD has once again decided that I am the source of all her problems and a bad person. She once told me she hated me, and it wasn't in the midst of a teenage tantrum either. Such is life. Fortunately she no longer lives with us but when we do get together as a family she pretends I don't exist and I pretend I don't notice. I also pretend it doesn't bother me, but to be honest, it does, but it's just the way it is, so I live with it.

Having said all that, sometimes you are just not going to win, and you need to decide what you want to do if that's the case. Do you want to walk away if their attitude doesn't change or do you love DH enough, despite his lack of support, to disengage and stay?

I do want to be with him, but i have posted on here to get others perspective to help me deal with this situation.

My partners kids only come on special occasions. One kid still comes mostly every second weekend. I believe the ex wife has brain washed the kids from a young age to despise me. I have tried to speak to my partner about how i feel but i think he dosn't know how to deal with it. I think he would rather we all keep playing the pretend game. He dosn't realize how it makes me feel and that it is getting worse. We recently gave his eldest child and partner a large amount of money to help with a house deposit. I was never acknowledge over this. This was i think the final slap in the face. I think his kids are spiteful and even though i know the ex has a lot to do with this, i think as adults they are responsible for their actions now.

That's just terrible. As you say tho, they are adults, they can take ownership of their actions.

If your partner is determined to keep playing the pretend game I guess the only thing you can do is try to rise above it. Try to be as natural as possible when you have to deal with them, if they are rude to your face perhaps make a comment along the lines of "disappointing to see you are still choosing to behave this way" and then ignore them/leave the room/pour yourself a wine... whatever you need to do to make it obvious you're not impressed, but you won't be driven away/made to feel bad either. If you can, I would also be tempted to catch up with girlfriends or something similar when you know they'll be coming, or encourage your DH to catch up with them away from the house from time to time, special occasion or not. At least it will limit your exposure to any unpleasantness, and it may just give your DH enough pause to try and see things from your perspective.

You can't control how they treat you, you can't make your DH stand up to them on your behalf but you CAN control how they make you feel. You're overwhelmed at the moment, and that's perfectly understandable, so you need to practice disengaging and a little distance. Fake it till you make it as they say. Trust me, small steps at a time. It won't cure it overnight, but it will stop it getting worse and it will help you will get to the point that you feel more in control and not so overwhelmed.

The only other thing I would suggest is to try to come to terms with/forgive your DH's enabling the behaviour, that way it won't come between the two of you/affect your relationship. If you allow them to damage your relationship then they/their toxic Mother wins. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Im an adult step child. I see my dad every other weekend and my kids are their grandparents. Christmas and birthdays they both get presents. Bear in mind my sm is the woman my dad had an affair with . The only bitterness was on my side. I got over it

Thank you everyone for your replys. I think even venting to strangers is good therapy. I am going to be stronger, rise above it all, move on and whatever happens, happens. Thank you all again.

Why did you contribute to the deposit?

There are two reasons why a sc might act rude and ungrateful. They are brats with bad manners and entitled attitudes and act as such with everyone. Or they don't like you for whatever reason. If the former, there's nothing you can do. If the latter it's up to you whether you want to try to understand why and make changes if appropriate or whether it's not worth the effort.

If the kids are adults and only come on special occasions, I'm not sure what your other half can do really.

They seem old enough to form their own opinion on things so I'd just get over it and not interact with them if you're that bothered.

There will always be some resentful ness as the "new woman",

My DP bought my SS (adult), a gift and card for my birthday.
He wrote on the tag (' fromSS, although obviously not from me! Lol')
I'm trying to ignore his twatty behaviour- despite the lazy arse living in my house.

No way would I be giving money to people that are consistently rude to me. It doesn't matter who they are.

I would be inclined to say if they don't even have the courtesy to acknowledge your existence you want your put in to the the deposit money back.

Why would their mum try to turn them against you? We’re you an OW?

If it’s not the above then they’ve just been poorly raised. Not much you can do now they’re adults. The time for your DP to teach his children manners passed long ago.

What is their reason for behaving this way? How do they behave towards their parents? Are they ose with their father or are their gifts more obligatory?

Sympathies really. There’s a realisation years into a relationship when even as adults the DSCs are not going to accept you.

It’s so hard I’m not sure what to advise. I tried

• talking to my DP - he got angry, defensive
• tackling rudeness as it happened - DSCs went absolutely mad
• backing off - got a lot of blame from DSCs for not ‘being welcome enough’ to DP.

Ex does constantly complain about me to them. It has an effect. So does DPs head in the sand attitude.

If they only come on special occasions then could you just very brazenly head off rudeness? When my DSCs came for Christmas I sat with them all, had a few glasses of wine, ignored those who made no effort, (two did not even say hello) but responded to any that smiled/spoke to me. When DP sat next to the ignorers and ignored me I took my wine off and phoned relatives.

More regularly it’s a problem though.