dd and ds don't want to go to dad's - help need advice!

[mothergoingmad]

Hi all

My DD & DS have recently become very reluctant to go and spend the weekend with their dad and his girlfriend.
Their dad has moved into his girlfriend's house and dd & ds stay overnight with them once a week.
dd & ds say dads girlfriend is very moody and keeps telling them off all the time. they used to get on very well with her and liked her. seems to be she made a big effort in the beginning to get them to like her. the kids say she doesn't seem to want them in her house and they feel very uncomfortable when they are there.
I am obviously very annoyed about this and want to confront said girlfriend, but I know that is not the answer. I have advised my dd 8yrs to speak to her dad about how she is feeling but she is scared of causing trouble between him and gfriend.ds is 5 so not really old enough to deal with this.
Anyone have any advice of how they would handle this situation?

Can you, as their mother, speak to their dad (on the phone perhaps) and say that they are not very keen to go this weekend, and wait for him to ask why? Then say they are scared/uncomfortable around his girlfriend. The ball is then in his court - let him suggest a solution.

If he doesn't ask why, keep them with you for a weekend. The children may then be prepared to give it another go the following weekend, and will have possibly made their point without saying anything.

What's the communication like between you and their dad? I think the better option would be to talk to him rather than 'confront' the girlfriend which it seems to me could only cause ill feeling. His girlfriend is not a parent; their dad is therefore it's down to him to sort this out for his kids.

Thanks for your responses. I have a very up and down communication level with their father he is like hekyl and hyde fine and reasonable one minute and a complete arse the next.
I know if I speak to him he will see it that I have poisoned the kids minds against her and it will be all my fault which is why I thought it best for my daughter to speak to her dad about it first before I get involved.
They have gone to spend today with their dad and will be home tomorrow evening. Will have to wait and see if my dd has plucked up the courage to say anything or not.
Their dad and I did not have a good relationship when we were together and my dd particularly saw and heard a lot of arguements and bad feeling before he moved out. I don't like the fact that they are now experiencing the same with the dad as he and girlfriend apparantly argue and shout at each other a lot. my son said last week he couldn't sleep as they were shouting at each other all night! I just don't know how best to handle this one.
I am also with someone else he doesn't live with me and kids but does stay over most weekends. The kids seem happy with him (we have been together over 1 yr now) I am in no way jealous of my ex and his girlfriend (just wanted to get that straight!

H'mmm, you're scared to speak to their Dad in case not good reception, so you're delegating the job to 8 year old dd??
Any trepidation you may feel will be magnified many times for her.

Sorry if you didn't want to hear that.

Sorry for the position you're in, too. There's no easy answer.

I don't see it as a bad thing if she and they can sort it out between them, without your involvement.

If dsd weren't happy here and wanted to bring something up with us, I hope she'd feel able to do that. If her mum confronted me about something I think the first thing I'd ask dsd (nicely) is "why didn't you just say".

Going in all guns blazing and confronting them isn't the right way to go about it, but I don't think it can be ignored either. I would hate it if dsd couldn't tell us something like this and her mum chose not to either. I'd want her to raise it nicely and calmly with dh, because if we didn't know we couldn't do anything about it.

In response to elasticwoman - I am not scared to speak to their dad about this just think it would be world war 3 if I did. He will think it has all come from me not the kids as he has done with different situations in the past. Don't want to make this issue any bigger than it needs to be. I would happily speak to his girlfriend myself and tell her how she is making my kids feel but I don't feel that is the answer either.
I am not there and don't see what is going on so it is hard for me to judge his girlfriend. I have asked the kids if they are told off for being naughty and if I would have told them off myself for whatever it is she is angry about, they have said not she tells them off for nothing and just doesn't seem to want them in her house. They want to see their dad but not her, I've tried to explain that this will not happen as dad lives with her and they need to try to get on with her. They say they do try but she just snaps at them all the time and doesn't give them cuddles like she used to.
I am not trying to push it all on my 8 yr old dd, just feel it would be better if she spoke to her dad and told him how they feel first. I have told her if nothing is resolved or things get worse as a result of her talking to dad I will step in and try to help sort it out.
I would be interested to hear what other step-mothers or ladies in my ex's position would say about this. Also any mother who has experienced anything like this themselves. Just looking for some outside advice really.

If you're not scared about the prospect of WW 3 you're a braver woman than me.

Did dd say anything to Dad? If so and it's all cleared up then ignore the following:-

No one likes to be criticised about a general trend in their behaviour, or about a situation in which they may not have total control. If any one speaks to dc's Dad, they should be specific: ie, "dd was distressed when xyz happened, and is now uncomfortable about going to your house. How can we deal with that?". That way you or dd present her version of what happened without making generalisations.