Positivity at last

[Wheresthel1ght]

We often come here to whinge, so I thought I would come on today and champion the good.

To paint a picture, life has not always been a bed of roses with my dsc. We have had our run ins and due to issues with their dm we have had had to deal with attempted alienation of dp along with low level neglect and other issue s that culminated in us threatening her with court to remove the children from her custody.

As best as we try to keep the kids away from the hostility they are at an age when inevitably they pick up on things. It has always worried me that this would cause issues.

However we have had a fab summer. The kids have been lovely, dss informed us he loves holidays with us, he loved the places we went to and the fact he was given choice and input into what we did and where we went. Unlike with his dm.

Dsd has been different again. At 13 she is beginning to enter the dreaded teen years and yet unlike reports from dm, the sullen sulky dsd doesn't seem to come here. She is always happy, involved in family life and fun to spend time with. Am sure the grumpy dsd will appear here too eventually.

Dsd and I had a lovely evening yesterday. She needed some bits that dad's are a no go for buying (bras, San Pro etc) and asked me to take her shopping. We went out, had a lovely meal, did lots of chatting and generally she managed to con me into spending a fortune! But I bloody loved it.

I did suggest she ought to go with her dm but she is aware that dm has refused to take her. One of the issues we have had with their dm is this refusal. Dsd is very petite in her frame but after being measured yesterday is a D cup so definitely needs bras. Am completely unsure why her dm refuses. It was me who took her originally when she first needed them - came home in tears as she was in pain following a PE lesson. It appears to have become "our thing" now. I like that she feels that she can come to me, don't get me wrong I wish that she could go to her dm and have her want to be involved. But I am so glad our relationship has grown over the last 6 years to the point she trusts me and is happy to discuss these sorts of things with me.

Just hope when dd is old enough she also feels she can talk to me as openly!

That sounds really positive, happy for you!

Ah, what lucky dsc. So much grimness on here normally, so thank you

hipster you are right, guess it is like all things in life, we shout about the bad but never the good. Having read some horror posts on here lately (took a long break from the nastiness that can appear) I felt for the influx of new step parents that seem to be here it was important to shout about the good sides to being a step parent.

Dss is due to apply for college/6th form in a few weeks (where in the hell have the last 6 years gone) and despite trying to talk to his dm he feels that he is being railroaded into doing what she wants him to do. He came and asked me to talk to her. I told him that was a job for his dad but that if he wanted his mum to listen then he needed to have a proper action plan and have researched it.

He sat down last night to tell us that he has been looking at local 6th forms and only 1 does the subjects he wants to do. He asked if we would be happy with him going there and would we take him to the open evening as he suspects his mum won't like it.

I REALLY hope his dm stops trying to relive her life via him. She has basically told him he can only go to a local uni and no point looking at others as she won't let him go. We have told him to pick the one that best suits him. Admittedly the course he wants to do means one of our local uni's is one of the best for, and if he decides it offers him the best fit for interests etc then fine. However, we have encouraged him to cast his net wider and make sure that he is happy with his choice as its an expensive mistake of he gets there and hates it. I can see me driving him all over the country next year!

From your first post, I agree that it's a wonderful thing when you find that you and the step kid have developed 'your thing.'

When I got with their mum I thought it was lovely that she sang for them every night before they slept. The first time their mum had a night out, many months later, I offered to sing the same songs, but they asked if I could sing something from my language (they're Danish, I'm British.)

I had a sudden blank for any English nursery rhymes and ended up singing 'Yesterday' for them. A couple of months later the older one (they were 7 & 3 at the time) was allowed to go later to bed. And asked for 'my English song' again. That was a year and a half ago, and every night that I've been home since, I've sung that song to her before she sleeps. I love it. She'll probably be horrified when her English is good enough to realise it's a sad song, but I'll cross that hurdle when I come to it...

As she gets older we have some cracking conversations, even with my not-really-fluent Danish skills. I've actually had to tell her at times that I can't really keep secrets she tells me from her mum or dad (I think it's especially important for her dad that he never feels me and his daughters have secrets - in his shoes I'd feel uncomfortable with that,) but obviously I appreciate her trust!