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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At A Crossroad..... WWYD?

18 replies

LavenderNailPolish · 13/09/2018 01:38

So I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone else’s post and am now in need of a bit of advice myself. Thanks in advance

Here goes... I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He’s 10 years older and just wonderful! I’ve never felt like this about anyone. He has an ex wife, they were together for 15 years (married for 7) and two children - boy 9 and girl 7. I got to meet the kids after about 18 months together as he didn’t want to rush things. We’ve all really bonded and I stay over quite a bit as we don’t live together. The custody arrangement is 50/50 and the kids do night about and then every other weekend.

I’ve been waiting for our relationship to move forward... but he has been hesitant. We did take a small break early on as he decided he doesn’t want anymore children but I think I do. I feel like we’re still at the same place and need to move in together to really be able to make that kind of decision. I guess I need to know what day to day life would be like. He has a stressful job and the kids are hard work. One has learn difficulties. It can be pretty overwhelming. I realise there are no compromises as you can’t have half a baby but would like to show him how much easier his life could be with me and if that would change his mind.

Has anyone ever been in a simillar position? What would you do?

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 13/09/2018 01:50

I haven't been in your position. But I think you should look elsewhere, because you want a baby (or two, or...) and he doesn't. He already has two, he's past the baby stage, and he's ten years older than you, ten years more set in his ways. You could move in and hope to change his mind, and he might say he'll think about it, but I suspect you would find yourself unhappily childless when it's too late to move on.
Sorry to be so negative.

Seniorschoolmum · 13/09/2018 01:59

The only advice I would give is, if you are going to move in, it is easier to integrate with dcs while they are young. The closer they are to teenage, the harder the integration is, IMO.

Blendingrock · 13/09/2018 05:15

would like to show him how much easier his life could be with me

Oh sweet thing, I hate to be a gloom and doom merchant but I don't think that's going to happen. No matter how much you love him and he loves you, moving in together is a massive step and stressful.

The odds are already stacked against you.

You want children (or at least the possibility of children), he doesn't want any more. Don't expect him to change his mind. It will end in tears.

One of his children has learning difficulties. How will you cope with that? You've bonded and that's awesome, but living together is a whole different ball game. If it's overwhelming now, it will get worse, much worse, before it get's better.

His job is stressful, so adding a stressful home life to the mix (and trust me, it will be stressful) is not going to be good for either of you, or his kids and his kids will always be there/part of his life.

If I were you I'd wait. Don't push moving in together. Keep the status quo as it is for a while and see how things develop. Take small steps, really small steps, and be really really sure that you go in with your eyes open.

But...if you really want to have a future with this man, you may have to accept that you won't have children of you own. If you can't do that, I'm sorry but he's not the man for you long term.

Original poster

LavenderNailPolish · 13/09/2018 05:45

Thank you all so much for the feedback. I think 'Keep the status quo as it is for a while and see how things develop.' is a very good idea.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 13/09/2018 08:01

3 years is quite a long time. Baby aside has there been any discussion about you moving together with him showing some enthusiasm. It might be that the current situation suits him but he is telling you because he doesn't want to rock the boat and lose what he considers to be perfect.

HappyHedgehog247 · 13/09/2018 08:04

If you definitely want a child of your own then how long you can keep the status quo depends on how old you are. Else you run the risk of staying in the relationship until it’s too late.

Original poster

LavenderNailPolish · 13/09/2018 08:45

I'm 34... so not a spring chicken. I think he does like how things currently are. Something I probably should've mentioned is that his Mother lives in a 'granny flat' downstairs which is separate. As she helps out with the kids a bit I guess he doesn't want to upset her.

If the custody arrangement was different like week about or every other weekend and school holidays I'd be more ok with not having a baby as we could travel and do more together. But with it being night about I guess I don't see the harm in adding another to the mix. I love that he gets to see them everyday so please don't think I want him to have them any less.

OP posts:

averythinline · 13/09/2018 08:47

at 34 you need to make a decision really you may not have years to play with if you want your own DC and he doesn't.....

LimboLuna · 13/09/2018 08:56

Honestly at 34 your fertility is about to take a nose dive over the next few years. Take a deep breath have a heart to heart with him about kids. If he doesn’t want more he doesn’t want them. You don’t have time to change his mind. But you do have time to find someone new who does.

Magda72 · 13/09/2018 09:10

I know this is old fashioned but the mother of a good friend of mine had a saying - if a man really wants you he'll move heaven & earth to have you.
Not v pc I know & while I think it's perfectly normal for a man with kids to want to move slowly he must be aware that 3 years at your age is very slow. As others have said if you think you really want kids you don't have endless time left & I honestly think if he wanted progression he'd be discussing stuff with you.
My exh is the same age are your dp & he has 2 kids with his dw (3&2) as well as our 3 (12, 16 & 21). He didn't want any more kids (told me this himself) but she did - as was her prerogative. He relented but in truth he's exhausted all the time & according to my kids is not enjoying it, as in he's tired & cranky a lot, works long hours as he now has 2 more dependents & his dw does ALL the childcare. I totally get why guys like your dp don't want more kids & I can't help feel if your dp does relent it will be very half hearted.
Also, do you really prepared to be in a situation whereby you're dealing with dsc & a mil every day?
The dsc will become teens & she'll get more elderly and there's a very good chance you'll end up looking after everyone!

lifeinpieces123 · 13/09/2018 09:16

OP I was in the exact position a couple of years ago. I was around your age, DH is 10 years old with two kids from previous relationship. He doesn't want more kids but I do (at least the possibility). We had long and hard talks and he eventually compromised because if the choice is between losing me and having another kid, he didn't want to lose me. We are now married and are trying to have a baby.

You are being a little bit naïve about "I don't see the harm in add one in the mix". Personally I find taking care of two kids are exponentially more difficult than dealing with one: the action, the noise, the constant attention seeking, they times by four, not two! I think you need to get involved in the kids' lives a little bit more before you actually know whether you can handle it or not. But this may drag you along the timeline a little bit further which is not ideal.

Original poster

LavenderNailPolish · 13/09/2018 09:36

Thanks again everyone for your feedback and stories. They're really insightful. His kids are full on and I do a lot with them. He can be a bit of a Disney Dad so I'm a bit stricter with the iPads, tidying up etc but he backs me on a lot of this. And I help with homework and cooking dinner (apparently I'm better than their Dad) bedtime/morning routines.

I've only just turned 34 so I'll give myself a few months to figure out what I really do want.

OP posts:

HappyStep1 · 13/09/2018 10:32

I'm not surprised he likes the status quo! Look at your last message, you're doing loads already but he doesn't want to make any kind of further commitment to you.

I very much doubt this will change. As you have already had a break and come back, he's unlikely to waiver if you give him an ultimatum.

I agree @Magda72, good chance you'll end up being carer to all, and even if you did have a child, you'll be raising your child with the same Disney dad!

HipsterAssassin · 13/09/2018 12:16

Yikes, OP. He’s getting a good deal out of this, you are ‘mum’ when he has his dc, you’ve there seems little more you could do?

Also, personally I think it’s flawed to think you could show him (by moving in) it wouldn’t be a big deal. He knows it would be a big deal, because he has had children already and he would be right. Having a baby is a massively big deal.

It sounds like you all get on brilliantly, that’s so nice to hear (one doesn’t hear it often on here!).

Your thread is about moving in. But it isn’t really, it’s more about whether he wants another child or not. I think you need to resolve that issue and take it from there. Are you happy to stay with him and remain childless and looking after his dependents?

That’s a question only you can answer. I don’t envy you. You sound lovely, hope you can resolve it

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 12:20

Sorry, OP but this isn't the man for you.

You really sound lovely and kind, but he doesn't want more children and it does sound as though he's got his hands full at the moment. I know you want to lighten his burden, but you have to put yourself first here. You want your own children. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want you to live with him, either. Listen to what he's saying. Love him enough to respect what he wants, too. Then leave and find someone who wants what you want.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2018 14:48

I'm sure he's lovely OP but you're not in the same place and you don't want to waste the next couple of years for him to say he was honest about not wanting children with you and you end up being up shit creek with fast diminishing years to meet someone else and still have a chance at being a mum.

My DH is around your DP's age and I'm pregnant with a sizeable age gap between it and my DSC. DH was as keen as I was on having more children and love him though I do, I would have had to walk away if he wasn't. Being a SM has many joys but I want my own child(ren) and being childless when you want a baby and still having to live your life as a parent is bloody hard work. We've had a really crappy journey to get to this point and I've had to ponder life as a parent without getting to be a mum and it's not great.

Lots of step parents are happy not having their own, my own SM never wanted her own and has loved sharing us part time, but that's not where I was and it's not where you are either.

I agree that even with existing DC in the frame, at your ages 3 years living apart with no particular interest in longterm commitment from him is quite a long time. Does he ever want to live together? How do you feel about living apart for much longer? Would you like to get married? Would he? What does he say about you wanting to be a mum?

You really need a proper talk about where it's all going. If you didn't want children then I'd say crack on as you are and enjoy it. But you do, and that changes things. Having children isn't guaranteed to anyone and even if you try it might not happen, but you'll grow to resent him if he's adamant and you hang around hoping he'll change his mind and then he doesn't. Knowing my DH was in the same boat as me, rubbish boat though it's been at times, has meant I feel part of a team rather than on my own in this and that's meant a huge amount to me.

Hollow is very wise: Love him enough to respect what he wants, too. Then leave and find someone who wants what you want.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/09/2018 16:36

Honestly? As hard as it seems, I think breaking up and finding someone without so much baggage will be so much easier and more fulfilling than trying to make it work with this man.

I don’t say this lightly. I know you love him. He could be the most wonderful man ever but you will compromise, and have to squeeze yourself so much into his life, his kids, his mothers, that you will never ever have a unit with you, baby and DP. Ever. He was married for 15 years. That’s huge. He’s wonderful because he seems so together and mature. And loving. But he does not want to do this again. He’s over the whole marriage stuff he’s trying to get away from it. If he’s responsible he’ll have had his fill and just want a bit of lightness.

Original poster

LavenderNailPolish · 13/09/2018 21:09

I really appreciate the responses, thanks again everyone. I think deep down I know what I need to do... I'm going to have an honest talk with my DP. I can find it hard to open up but as I don't like upsetting anyone. But at the end of the day I need to put myself first in this situation.

OP posts:

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