Our DC aren't getting on

[Ellemenop]

DP and I moved in together over a month ago, we've been together for 3 and a half years. I have 2 DC, 10 year old DD and 7 year old DS. He has 4 DC, 13 year old DS and DD, 11 year old DS and 6 year old DS. My DC live here full time and see their dad every few weeks whilst DP's DC live half and half between their mum's and here. Before moving in together our DC got on well and they were really excited to be living together but I think it's taking some getting used to. They've been arguing about everything you could think of and tend to stick with their siblings so it's turned into my DC against his DC. I'm starting to think this was the wrong decision and the kids weren't as ready as we thought they were

I thought I'd add a bit more info even though no one has replied yet. Our DD's (10 and 13) are sharing a room which isn't going well, neither have shared a room before, they different bedtimes, argue about things like the other putting something on their side. But changing the the room arrangements will only annoy someone else and cause more arguments. My DC don't like having so many people in house, it was just the three of us for years which DP and his kids coming round most days but they only had to see eachother a few hours a day rather than all day on night. I suppose I'm looking for advice on how i can help the kids settle in more and get used to this because really it can't easily be changed now. Perhaps I could find something they could all do together to bond more but that's all i can think of

Growing up, a friend and her sister had to share a room and hated it. They didn't get along and still don't to this day.

In the end their DM put up a partition wall to divide the room so it was clear whose 'side' was whose.

In terms of getting along there's a big difference between having friends to stay and actually living with them. Your DC have lost their privacy and your step DC have been uprooted. It's not surprising that they're unhappy. With hindsight it might have been better to start afresh with a new place but it's too late now. Bear in mind some actual siblings don't like each other but just have to get on with it.

I think you need a bigger house! Sorry, I know that's not a simple solution but after being used to my own space I'd have found it incredibly difficult to start sharing a room. If you are a private, introverted sort of person you will never get used to that. Looking back, if I'd had to do so I would have panicked at the thought of going home every single day. It would have made me mentally ill.

I'm not sure what else you can do, you can't force them to get on. All you can do is push the message to respect personal space and boundaries.

My two actual sisters who are full siblings loathed each other and used to pull each others hair out in handfuls.
Not all siblings love each other whether they are related or not.
Xmas is bloody awful when they are together.

I would try and partition the bedroom somehow so they have defined spaces; even with a bookcase or curtain rail secured to the ceiling.

I’d also try and avoid too much free time till everyone is more used to it. Go for walks after school, play a board game, clear homework and dinnertime routine etc. I find there are more arguments when the kids are just left to their own devices in those after school hours.

Did you get a new house or has he and his Dc moved into your home? I can see why your Dc would find the latter really hard.

We bought a new house, their bedroom is really big so could definitely look into separating it in some way. A bigger house isn't really possible anytime soon

I would separate the room then. Definitely. They’ve years of sharing left. It will be hell.

The huge kallax units from Ikea are a good room divider and split the colours for one child each.
Allow them to have specified time or evenings in their room without the other. Encourage out of school activities on separate days. Sacrifice some couple time to take own kids out without their step siblings.

Someone had a similar issue recently I think it was on MN. Someone else posted a photo of a room that had been divided and I thought it looked brilliant. Maybe have a look through the step board to see if it comes up. Or try Pinterest?

We've been trying to do still have time separately with just our own DC, like the other day DP picked up his DC from school and went out with them for a bit whilst i spent that time dropping DD off at a club and shopping with DS for something he needed but i get time with them when the others at their mum's

I have dd (15) and ds (14) living with me full time and my dp of 3 years has 2 dd aged 14 and 13 who he sees every weekend fri-sun. Our kids really don’t like each other at all, so we’re not moving in together.

We try and facilitate a good relationship between all the dc but you can’t force a relationship. They’re pleasant when we all go out, or for dinner, but we decided that it wasn’t fair on any of us to blend at the moment.

Luckily we live 2 mins away from each other so still have an awesome relationship despite it.

What about a new pet.. A shared puppy might help the kids all have something that they are interested in?

I guess firstly, if they now have to share bedrooms they are going to be understandably upset. Invest in how you can make this better as a priority and tell the kids you are sorry.

The taking sides is because you both allow this, get together with your DP and decide what is going to work e.g, bedtimes. Be united but flexible. You’ve got to put a lot of work in. Insist that everyone respects each other, no bitching, no sneering, no rudeness no ignoring.

I think the thought of living together and the reality is very different. Huge adjustment for everyone and as a PP has said, I know of many RL examples where 'full-siblings' have really not gotten along at all.

In your shoes, I would call a family meeting. All the kids sat down. with a conversation about what they like, what they don't like, any suggestions they have about what could make things better. Plus family rules on what arguments etc.

This can absolutely work. Good luck OP!

You either need a bigger house, or go back to separate living.
I can quite understand your DC’s disliking so many people in the house, (would drive me nuts). But his DC have a right/need to see their dad, and stay with him! I think I’d separate till the kids leave home!