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Step-parenting

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Original poster

WWYD - DSD, 13 wants to do other plans when with us

22 replies

Altwoo · 08/09/2018 11:20

Would love an external view on this. We have 9 yr old DSS and 13 yr old DSD, who are with us for one night every weekend, from 6-6.

This weekend, DSD was at sleepover on ‘our’ night - fine, because we don’t want her to miss out.

We had booked tickets for day out today, which the kids had chosen last weekend. We don’t have much money so tickets are a stretch.

When DP picked up DSD from sleepover, she was cross because she wants to go her hobby, which is over lunchtime. This would mean none of us going on day out as is not near to us.

She was asked if she could go to hobby tomorrow instead, but said no, because mummy has plans for them. DP asked what the difference was, and she essentially said she’d rather spend time with mummy - although I think really she was just excited to see her friends.

DP has therefore taken DSD home so that she can do her hobby and we can still take DSS on said day out. She was in tears because she and DP have been arguing about it.

It wasn’t brilliantly by DP in terms of tone, but my question is what do you do?

DP feels he barely sees DSS, because of her social life, but obviously doesn’t want her to miss out. Equally he doesn’t want DSS to spend all day driving around to her activities, which tends to be the dynamic when they’re at their home.

I also feel that this weekend was unlucky in that both sets of parents made plans which have interfered with DSD’s social life, but I understand why DP is upset when it’s okay if mummy has planned it but not him.

The only other solution I could see would be to force her on day out, which I’m not sure would have been fun for anyone. Nonetheless, it feels like we mishandled it. Help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fuzzywuzzy · 08/09/2018 11:24

This just happens as kids get older.

Your DP will have to accept that his DC will start having their own plans and social life as they get older & you can’t force them to spend time with you.

However the fact DSD had chosen and knew about activity in advance I’d have told her this time she needed to honour the commitment and in future she needs to let you know about her plans so you don’t waste money on tickets you will not be using

lunar1 · 08/09/2018 11:40

If DSD has know and been involved in making plans then she should have stuck to the commitment. My boys know that once the money has been spent they need to stick to it!

Catalicious · 08/09/2018 11:45

I think it’s really tricky to balance their normal social needs as teenagers with DP literally getting 24 hours with them, and that often gets reduced or taken away. Whereas if you have them nearly full-time (as their mum does), it’s easier to accept as you still have low level contact with them all the time.

I think taking her home was probably the right move for us as it meant there were still consequences without us all having a miserable day. But I think it should have been given her as a choice ‘either you cane out with us, or you can go home to do your activity’ rather than her being told somewhat crossly by her dad that he was taking her home.

I also think it fuels an already difficult relationship with the mum 😕

Autumnfairy82 · 08/09/2018 11:46

If she knew in advance then she should have stuck to the plan. Either way, should that happen again maybe just go without her. Yes it’s disappointing for everyone if she’s not there to be a part of the day but why should the rest of you (particularly the other child) miss out?

Catalicious · 08/09/2018 11:48

@lunar1 this is normally my view too, but tricky in that they have no contact during the week as a reminder (and they have busy lives), and she wouldn’t have known her mum had also made plans for her this weekend as everything tends to be last minute.

So from her perspective, I can see she would have been gutted to have missed out on her hobby and friends because hadn’t realised the implications of two days out planned for them this weekend. And from our perspective, her being in a horrible mood all day would have ruined it for DSS.

Hidingtonothing · 08/09/2018 12:08

Agree with Fuzzy, totally normal at this age but DH/you need to have a chat about honouring commitments when they’re already paid for. I would have a sit down chat with DSD (all of you or just DH, whichever is most appropriate) and explain that you’re very happy to compromise and try to work around what she wants to do but there has to be some communication, organisation and consideration for the rest of the family too.

I don’t think you handled this weekend badly, it was a bit of a no-win situation and you’ve done your best to keep everyone happy but it does give you an opportunity to rethink how you do things now DSD is growing up.

Catalicious · 08/09/2018 12:14

@hidingtonothing Thank you, that’s reassuring. It will always be tricky to plan as we get very short notice on when we’re having kids (separate issue!), mum won’t work with us in terms of mutual planning so that this deosn’t happen, and he has no contact with kids in between their visits.

funinthesun18 · 08/09/2018 12:15

I think your DH did the right thing. It’s not fair for DSS miss out. If his sister wants to go to her hobby then that’s fine she can go. She has two parents.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/09/2018 13:40

Altwoo

I think that you have handled this in entirely the right way.

DSD needs to realise that her actions and what she wants have consequences.

AND

more importantly DSS finds out that he is important in his own right and has someone that is going to put him first over wants of his sister.

swingofthings · 08/09/2018 13:45

She needs to start to take responsibility with the organisation of her social life. That means asking in advance if it is ok for her to do one thing before the weekend is organised for everyone else.

Not easy with separated parents but she'll get used to it.

GeorgeTheHippo · 08/09/2018 14:11

This happens when kids get older. Communication helps. Did you tell mum about your planned day out?

DigsysDiner · 08/09/2018 14:17

Can't he have his daughter for tea midweek or something ??

It seems like he has very little contact and it taking up every weekend will make her resentful. Things change as kids get older, it looks like you need to have a rethink so only the 9yr old.comes each weekend and either have meet up a few times a week with the older child or have more contact during the holidays.

negomi90 · 08/09/2018 14:30

She's 13 surely she has a phone and your dp can work on calling/texting her?
She's in a no win situation. Either miss friends (and social life is huge at this age) or piss off a parent. She sensibly picked the one who won't have access to sulk at her for the rest of the week.
Your DP needs to not take it personally and find other ways of communicating with her during the week.

Catalicious · 08/09/2018 14:38

Mum has remarried and would like to pretend that DP doesn’t exist.

Communication is non-existent, so eg we might tell her what we’re planning to buy for birthdays, but she won’t say anything back. Same for weekend plans so we have long since given up.

He would love to have kids more but she believes her right as ‘primary caregiver’ means she can change and remove access. I have been asking him to go down a court route for sometime. I believe if we had them every other weekend but all weekend (plus midweek) means we could plan time with them that accommodates hobbies, days out etc as well as just normal family time.

You are absolutely right that DSD is golden child at home and all plans revolve around her and her priorities. DSS is struggling post divorce which mum doesn’t want to acknowledge.

I really hate it all.

Catalicious · 08/09/2018 14:39

@negomi90 she doesn’t reply to texts (to anyone). Mum is equally unresponsive and just ignores very normal requests.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2018 15:01

That got confusing with your name change during the thread OP. Altwoo and Catilicious

I think your DP did the right thing.

Catalicious · 08/09/2018 15:31

Name change fail. Sorry everyone.

user1493413286 · 09/09/2018 20:18

I think you have to almost take it in turns a bit; so next time if she’s says it then you say that last time she did her hobby so this time is family time. Also be clear with her that if you’re arranging a specific activity that she’s chosen or paid for something then she needs to stand by it.
It’s similar to what you have to do when kids live with you full time; compromise a bit but not on everything

Rebecca36 · 09/09/2018 21:01

Quite normal for a girl of her age. She will want to do her own thing more and more. In three of four years she'll be popping over for visits which you will all enjoy, better than having to arrange things.

RandomMess · 09/09/2018 21:04

Would it be possible to have them on different days? Sounds like DSD would welcome one on one time and DSS would spend his life trailing around DSDs activities?

It is part of DSD getting older though.

Catalicious · 09/09/2018 21:28

Completely agree normally part of being a teenager - it’s just how to manage that in a 24 hour window. Will definitely be easier in a year or so when she can be more independent and just pop over rather than scheduled visits.

@RandomMess in some ways that would definitely work, but I don’t think mum would be up for that, as they also have step-siblings to see. I think alternating might be the key.

swingofthings · 10/09/2018 07:40

Not responding to text is not acceptable. Her dad needs to take her out and have a conversation with her to explain that these situations could be avoided with forward planning but for this she needs to respond to texts to let him know what plans she has/might have.

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