SD behaviour changing

[Mummabear1992]

Hi

I have been a step mum now for 4 years and I have a good relationship with my SD (aged 7). We recently went on holiday and I couldn’t help noticing and feeling like her behaviour changed when we were all together (I have a bio baby son) when it’s just the three of us (minus Dad) we get on amazingly, she’s well behaved, polite and well mannered and makes being a parent pretty straight forward

However when Dad is around she’s so different, she’s cheeky and behaves like she’s trying to isolate me and be a ‘team’ with her dad. It’s upsetting but her dad just says it’s ‘just kids behaviour’. Anyone else in a similar situation or know how best to deal with it?
Thanks x

Sounds normal, shes naturally more relaxed with her dad and DC are often better behaved for anyone but their parents.
Also she wants his attention which is again natural, talk to DP about reinforcing better ways of getting his attention through good behaviour etc instead.

This sounds so familiar! I have a DSD who is 9, my partner (her dad) and I have just had a child together.

When DSD is with me, and dad is not there, she is lovely and a real pleasure to be around. However when her dad is there she changes and becomes quite cheeky, ie answering back, dirty looks, and can be quite rude.

Her dad does spoil her (imho) and will let her get away with things because he does not like to spend the limited time he has with her being the disciplinarian, but because of that if I tell her off for the above behaviour it seems like I’m “bad cop”! It’s really frustrating, and at the moment I feel like the wicked step mother, even though I’m just trying to pull her up on behaviour that I would have been absolutely bollocked for when I was younger!

My advice would be to talk to your OH when DSD is not around and explain how you’re feeling, and plan for something going forward regarding her behaviour.

For example we arranged to take DSD to a theme park a couple of months ago before LO got here, DSD got really mad with her dad because we had to take a break from rides to get some lunch, she ended up getting angry and hitting his arm (think she ended up hurting herself more than hurting him) and then she started crying, I told her off and said that was unacceptable behaviour, my partner backed me up, but half an hour later he was buying her gifts from the gift shop! When I was younger if I did that to either of my parents that would have been it! We would have gone home there and then and I would be grounded for a month! I did talk to my partner and he put his point across that if we did that it would have soured the whole day and his daughter would have remembered that being a bad day! Also because he only has her EOW he can’t put in place being grounded for a month. At the moment we have agreed that DsD should be pulled up on any bad behaviour there and then, if either of us don’t agree with each other on whether we were right in telling off DSD we will broach the subject later on when DSD has gone to bed so we can talk about how we can resolve issues going forward. It works sometimes but it is really hard.

Yes, it’s normal. I have 2 DSC - a boy aged 10, girl aged 9. Known them for 4 years.

No drama with the boy. The girl is a different kettle of fish. Has to sit by dad at all meals. Has to hold his hand when out. We had an incident in the summer when she insisted on sitting in his knee all afternoon.

It’s not a competition (as I remind myself) and appreciate she feels insecure.

However, it’s important her brother gets a look in and feels valued.

Make sure dad gets time alone with her. Make sure your OH is aware of what’s going on (my OH was blind to it until I pointed it out).