Worried about DSD's Mum

[PoesyCherish]

DSD's Mum has been having increasingly worsening health problems over the last 2 years. She is now morbidly obese and has to use a wheelchair to get around. DP dropped DSD off last night and noticed her Mum had oxygen cylinders which she now has to carry around everywhere she goes.

I'm really worried about her and the impact this may have on DSD who is 6. I know there's nothing I can do to help but I just feel so worried! It can't be good when you need oxygen cylinders can it?

Op, could your DSD’s upset about missing her mum be more about worrying about her being alone/needing help? She could be feeling guilty that she’s not keeping her company or helping her.

Children can have a strong sense of protection towards a parent.

I agree with those saying it’s hard but DSD must come first and shouldn’t have these burdens at six. Time to enforce contact and find out the extent of her mum’s dependence.

There are many young carers out there. Some younger than 6

This doesn’t make it ok though does it? I’d be absolutely devastated if that were my daughter. However I’m absolutely aware that for some people, there is no alternative.

OP is offering a gentle hand of help out to DSD’s DM. She has a right to be worried.

This is probably quite distressing for your DSD to see her mother’s health declining, removing her from her mother’s care however, is definitely NOT the answer!

A few thoughts from me. As you have said, OP, the burden that falls on carers of any age is huge. At the age of 6, that is one hell of a load to carry. I do think your partner needs to act to ensure that the needs of his child come first. On that note:

1. This needs to start with a conversation with the mum about what impacts her health is having on her life and on the child. I recognise this will be difficult, and she may not co-operate. But trying to have this conversation has to be the starting point. The goal is to identify what effect this may be having on the child, and to identify ways of mitigating those effects. That could be through extra help for the mum, or it could be through extra time with dad for the daughter. Your partner needs to be firm on this - he actually has a legal responsibility to ensure that the child is safe and well looked after. Which means that he does need to try and have this conversation with the mum.

1. I'd be really worried that a 6 year old is crying for her mum every day she is with you. That's not healthy at that age. I'd be worried that this is about the child being concerned about mum's welfare, or that the mum is encouraging an unhealthy level of dependency. Either is a warning sign. Your partner definitely needs to try and get his daughter to open up a bit, and talk about how she may be feeling - without overtly questioning her. This may also be a good way of finding out from her how things are at home (how he goes about this is important - its vital that she doesn't feel she's being put in a difficult position between her parents).

1. I do think he needs to be spending more time with her. The amount of time he's got isn't enough for any dad to be closely in touch with how his child is doing, and that's particularly important here. So, start by getting a sense of how the mum's health issues are affecting the child - and then decide on what sort of pattern would be best for her. A change of primary residence should be considered if it would be in the best interests of the child (and you are absolutely right that this is what matters most here - not the interests of the mother). He has to be willing to go to court if that is what's needed to secure the best outcome for the child.

1. The best way to access support for both the child and her mum is by asking the school or the GP for an Early Help Assessment. This is a relatively low touch way of engaging key agencies in identifying and providing support to help families who are facing difficult times. Those agencies will form a 'Team Around The Family' that could include the school, health providers, social services, or others. It provides a supportive and structured means of assessing what practical or emotional support might be needed, and accessing that help. This is particularly important if the mother refuses to discuss her issues with your partner - she can still refuse to take part in an EHA, but it makes itharder for her to do so because she's then refusing to work with official agencies. It would also work in your partner's favour in court that he has taken all of these steps to get the right support in place, but she has refused to co-operate.

Good luck. Please remember that, as hard as this might be for the mother, she has a duty of care to the child. A decent parent will work with the help and support that is available (including you & your partner) to do the right thing for the child. A parent who won't do that is not putting the needs of the child first - and, frankly, if that means a change of residence then they have only themselves to blame.

@MycatsaPirate
Sandy of course it's not ok! But the alternatives are what? Removing a child from it's parent? Or maybe putting more care in place to help these families?

By saying there are younger carers, it infers it's no big deal.

The alternatives are contacting social services.

I knew someone in a similar position. Her DD was older than 6 (11)...but when she ended up crying at school with the pressure of doing so much at home and they probed further... the school then contacted SS and support was arranged.

Common sense tells you it's not okay and a parent who can't see this would cause me serious concern. They clearly aren't able to put their child first.

In the case of the person I know... She's not of British origin and children that age (11) would do the things she was telling her to her (and my) country of origin.