Worried about DSD's Mum

[PoesyCherish]

DSD's Mum has been having increasingly worsening health problems over the last 2 years. She is now morbidly obese and has to use a wheelchair to get around. DP dropped DSD off last night and noticed her Mum had oxygen cylinders which she now has to carry around everywhere she goes.

I'm really worried about her and the impact this may have on DSD who is 6. I know there's nothing I can do to help but I just feel so worried! It can't be good when you need oxygen cylinders can it?

Do you have any kind of good relationship with her? Would she talk to you if you asked if she was ok and if you could do anything to help?

What’s she like? Is she ok to you your OH?

@Hissy we do not have any sort of amicable relationship. She's not okay to my DP and treats him pretty badly tbh. I think if either of us offered to talk to her or try and help she'd tell us where to stick it.

I'm quite worried about the impact it could have on DSD rather than his ex specifically iyswim.

Hmm... nothing you can do really then, you’re right, just keep an eye on dsd and if she’s struggling, then your oh is going to have to step in

Does she have a partner living with her? Or family who helps her with DSD? How much is DSD with her? I’d be concerned. Does DSD have any siblings in the house?

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan no partner living with her or siblings. DSD sees her grandmother every Sunday evening but that's about it in terms of help. DP has her every other weekend and some of the holidays. Every single time DP has asked for more contact he's been met with a resounding no!

I can't see anything to suggest that you need to worry about SD.

Plenty if people live with various health conditions and raise families.
There might be some aspects of their life that are different to yours, but it doesn't sound like you have any specific concerns re her needs not being met?

There are organisations that can support young carers if she is starting to take on some caring roles for her mum.

Does DP still want more contact/responsibility?
Then he surely needs to go to court.

I don’t think it’s fair that dd should have to take on a carer responsibility at six though.

I think your DP needs to bite the bullet and ask his ex some tough questions.

What does dsd day about it?

I agree, I think it’s time for a conversation about what support is in place, and whether this situation is likely to improve or remain the same/get worse. Speaking honestly I suspect the latter. At 6 years old that would be a big concern for me.

How does he bring it up though without her taking offence or telling him to piss off (which is what he thinks she will say). Don't know what DSD thinks as we haven't seen her since he found out.

I don’t think it’s fair that dd should have to take on a carer responsibility at six though.

I totally agree with you and this is what we are really worried about.

@Foodylicious yes of course he still wants more contact. They've already tried the mediation route. She agreed to changes and two months down the line just refused to stick to them. I'm not sure court would actually force her to stick to it. I get what you're saying about people raising families and I have a chronic pain condition myself as does DP. But I think that's a bit different to needing oxygen tanks just to move!

We both think things are going to get worse not better. So sure she may be meeting her needs right now (I don't know, I am not there) but what about when things get worse??

There are organisations that can support young carers if she is starting to take on some caring roles for her mum.

@Foodylicious and actually that's not really the point is it. She is 6, she needs looking after herself, not to be looking after her mother. And especially when her Dad is more than capable of looking after her himself.

There are many young carers out there. Some younger than 6.

What your post seems to suggest is that she should be living with you full time but please don't even think about going down that route because it will devastate the child.

The only thing your dp can do is text or ring her and ask if there is any thing you can do to help.

Of course she's going to be defensive. For her, she will see it as him trying to take her daughter away.

What Mycat says is a good approach , Op. Your DSD's mum is probably scared of losing her daughter, as well as her health and independence.
Is there any help you can offer to lighten the load, without it feeling like you both just want to take over DSD's care, at least as a start to a change in residency/contact.
Like offering to pay for a cleaner to lighten the housework, or a 'home help' type person for shopping/cleaning/help with baths etc.
Some one who has chronic illness and is dependent on a wheelchair is not a reason for taking a child away from them, but the need for oxygen is very indicative of a worsening of her medical condition and is very limiting.
You sound very worried and very caring, but maybe need to look outside the box to be effectively helpful.

Some one who has chronic illness and is dependent on a wheelchair is not a reason for taking a child away from them, but the need for oxygen is very indicative of a worsening of her medical condition and is very limiting.

I'm not in the slightest suggesting an aid such as a wheelchair is a barrier to looking after your DC. It is most likely I will need a wheelchair in the not so distant future. It's the oxygen that is worrying.

There are many young carers out there. Some younger than 6.

That really doesn't make it right at all though... if we offered services like you suggest she would think he was interfering and say there's nothing wrong with her house cleanliness or anything like that.

I am not at all suggesting he should completely take over residency. I just don't want my DSD ending up as an almost full time carer at a very young age. As it currently stands his ex won't even let him pick her up from school, see her in the week or drop her off at school on a Monday morning (he has to return her to her mum's on a Sunday evening).

When they had mediation previously what was agreed?

Was a consent order made?

If so, your DP can enforce this through the courts. They do take it seriously when one party is going against the consent order.

If a consent order wasn’t put in place and the agreement was made less than 4 months ago it can still be used to create a consent order.

If over 4 months then he’d have to start mediation again.

It was definitely over four months ago @HeckyPeck. I'm sure it was before last Christmas, maybe even before that. I honestly can't remember exactly what was agreed, I just know she went against it after about 2 months and it's been a good while now since it was actually enforced. Even down to things like letting each other know if the arrangements need to be changed was agreed in mediation to be a minimum of 1 months notice (unless an emergency of course) but he gets a days notice of "Oh btw you can't have her this weekend, you'll have to have her next weekend" or vice versa of "you're going to have to have her this weekend and I'll have her next weekend". As far as I'm aware there was no consent order, just a mutual agreement.

Realistically though how can anyone enforce it?

Some of my worry comes down to how little he is allowed to see her. If the worst were to happen DSD would hugely struggle because she is so used to seeing her Mum almost 24/7. If she could genuinely no longer look after her or worse she were to pass away, it would be so hard for DSD. I know in either scenario it would be awful for her anyway but i just think even more so with how little she currently sees her Dad.

I totally get being worried about lack of independence as I'm going through it myself, obviously nowhere near to the same extent. And I would hate to have added in to that being unable to look after my child. But my priority is DSD not her Mum in the sense that I care more about the effect it is having or may have on her.

I really don't want to come across as a heartless bitch. I feel for her Mum, I really do. But like I said, my main concern is my little step daughter.

I would go for a consent order as without it you can’t enforce anything. Maybe just having one with the knowledge that it could be enforced by the court would be enough to get her to stick to the agreement? Or enforcing once might make her step up.

I think you’re right re if the worst were to happen. You’re DSD would find it even harder to adjust if she’s not used to being at your house.

It’s not actually about her mum at all IMO it’s about what’s best for DSD and spending most of her time being a very young career when she has a loving parent who could care for her seems very unfair on her

It’s not actually about her mum at all IMO it’s about what’s best for DSD and spending most of her time being a very young career when she has a loving parent who could care for her seems very unfair on her

Exactly! But then she is incredibly attached to her Mum (to the point of crying at least once a day for her when she's with us). Would she actually respond positively to being with us more? Although maybe that's better in the long run.

It is such a minefield! Do you know how DP could go about getting a consent order?

It’s not actually about her mum at all IMO it’s about what’s best for DSD and spending most of her time being a very young career when she has a loving parent who could care for her seems very unfair on her.

Totally agree with the above. I don't think your DP has any choice really, he has to try and do what's best for his DD.

Caring for a parent at 6 would be a huge burden - I cared for both my parents for a while in my teens/early 20s when they experienced major health problems and it's not an experience that you forget - the anxiety, ambulances in the night, etc. - and I was much older than her.

Although I feel sympathy for your DP's ex, I'm angry as well, as she seems more interested in saying "no" to your DP than protecting/ putting her DD first.

^Totally agree with the above. I don't think your DP has any choice really, he has to try and do what's best for his DD.

Caring for a parent at 6 would be a huge burden - I cared for both my parents for a while in my teens/early 20s when they experienced major health problems and it's not an experience that you forget - the anxiety, ambulances in the night, etc. - and I was much older than her.

Although I feel sympathy for your DP's ex, I'm angry as well, as she seems more interested in saying "no" to your DP than protecting/ putting her DD first.^

What is best for his DD though? That's the we are both really unsure on. Unfortunately it always has been about saying no instead of what's best for DSD and there's always some sort of excuse - no you can't see her in the week as it'll be too late a night (she moved a 40 min drive away). No you can't see her Sunday evening as that's her time with her grandma (who only works on a Saturday so could in theory see her any other night), no you can't see her at all over Christmas as that's her time with her cousins. The list goes on

Sorry I meant to say @AmICrazyorWhat2 I'm really sorry you went through all of that growing up. It's really not good is it

Children’s need to have a relationship with their parents (in the absence of abuse etc) is much greater that relationships with cousins/grandparents IMO and in the eyes of the law. I think getting set, regular contact is always better where possible.

Your DP would have to start mediation again. If an informal agreement is reached he can get a consent order by following this advice: childlawadvice.org.uk/consent-orders/

If she doesn’t come to the mediation or they can’t reach an agreement he’d have to apply for a child arrangements order through the court.

Your DP could possibly raise it with school, inform them that his DD's mums health seems to be declining and ask if pastoral care can offer any support.

You've said that DSD is very attached to her mum, so it could be that she's finding what seems to be a very obvious decline in her health distressing (possibly quite frightening). Someone impartial - in terms of family dynamic) might be good for her.

There are many young carers out there. Some younger than 6.

So you think it's okay?

Sandy of course it's not ok! But the alternatives are what? Removing a child from it's parent? Or maybe putting more care in place to help these families?

Lots of people have children when they are perfectly healthy and then go on to have an illness or disability. Are you suggesting all those children be removed from their parents?

No one is suggesting removing the child completely, but she has a father she can also spend time with when she doesn’t have to be a cater and can be a child.