SM Diary

[lifeinpieces123]

Background: Been with DH for a few years, got married earlier this year. He has two kids from previous marriage (DS and DD) and I have none. DS officially moved in with us last weekend and starts secondary school this week. Although I was heavily involved in DS and DD’s lives previously (we had them around 30% of the time each year but that were mostly weekends/holidays as both DH and myself work full time in a fairly demanding industry), I was worried how we get on on a daily basis, how to cope with childcare with our work schedule, how to support him academically and etc etc etc...

I would like to use this thread to record our Ups 'n' Downs, get some parenting tips from MN, make some friends who have similar experiences (my real life close girlfriends are mostly single and fabulous and zero SMs), and hopefully when I look back, I am proud to say that I did a fairly good job :)

Assuming that the reason for DSS moving in is practical for school or is there a problem with RP?
It's going to be tough to get used to this arrangement, be patient, be the adult, bit your lip, don't expect any thanks. This is the reality for all parents.
The one thing I will say from a non-resident step perspective, when they behave like petulant teenagers, it's not particularly aimed at you, they're just teenagers.
Good luck, look forward to hearing how it goes.

Nice idea.

Good luck OP

@HappyStep1 Indeed, no big problem with RP, mainly for the school.
SS is a very sweet kid, sometimes a bit too clingy and overly talkative, but hasn't reach the petulant teenager stage yet lol Maybe he will go from one extreme to another and doesn't want to talk to us at all!

I imagine that’s a big adjustment for you all.

Is your DSD still living with their mum?

@HeckyPeck yes she is still in early primary school, and they will see each other every weekend and probably 6W during school holidays.

Has it been difficult working out logistics to make sure everyone still gets to see eachother & working out child maintenance etc?

You sound like a lovely step mum btw and I imagine you and your DH are going to end up with lovely bonds with DSS

@HeckyPeck Yes I think logistically we are all good.

Re CM, DH tried to contact CMS to adjust the payment, but we have no idea that we have to apply for (or register for) child benefit first?! We never thought about that because we think we are not entitled to child benefit anyway due to income threshold......anyway, seems quite confusing so there may be a lag until CMS adjust the payment :(

06/09/2018

3 days into new school, everything seems a bit too good to be true : D

We seem to get the momentum right for setting up a nice routine. Every night before going to bed, SS checks next day’s class timetable, packs his school bag, sets the alarm. In the morning when I got up, he was already up, fully dressed, made his bed, fed my cats, and sat by the table having his breakfast! I am very very very impressed!

Oh yes you do need the CBEN first. They should backdate it though. Is his DM going to be paying maintenance to your DP?

Ahh that’s so lovely that he’s so organised and things are going so well. Hopefully a sign of good things to come.

Thanks, that’s good to know. We are keeping to same payment at this moment and wouldn’t want to get into any trouble.

I would think so but wouldn’t count on that (DM is self employed so you know :p)

That’s a good idea. You can always recoup any overpayment from future payments.

Oh no self employed and child maintenance don’t usually go well together! Has she mentioned how much she’ll be paying?

No she doesn't. I think it will be the CMS calculated amount based on the gross income she declares, which will be minimum. But to be honest, we don't reply on her payment anyway so it's not a big deal.

07/09/2018

Last night we got back home at around 7:15pm and found SS standing 20cm away from the TV playing Xbox, and we gave him a hard time for that, and probably over-reacted a bit...(we were also annoyed that he didn't text us when he got back home from school and his phone was dead so we didn't know where he was for a while).
Anyway he was a bit upset too and told his mum "I hate living here". On one hand I was not too bothered as he occasionally said "I hate my life" whenever we ask him to do extra math homework, but on the other hand I was a bit annoyed that he said that to his mum. However, I now realise that although he didn't show it, he does somehow feel insecure after moving in and I should remind myself to approach him more carefully going forward...

Can I ask the reason why his mum just gave up on her son ? I mean just as school is easier, and I know he has a father but I could never fathom my dd goin to her dads full time even if it was easier for me ! She doesn't like a good caring loving mother separating the kids that way too , that's bad ! I'm in a similar situation too
And you sound like you doin such a good job xx

@cherry1012 Tbh I don't know but it has always been the plan. What I heard from DH (of course it may be biased) was she always had a somehow difficult relationship with him and found managing him on a daily basis quite challenging. On the other hand, I believe there are women who don't consider the kids the centre of their world. Saying that, I admit that I suspect that I am one of them as well!

@cherry1012 you said you are in a similar situation?

I’m a step mum too who struggles quite regularly. Mine live with their mum full time and come to us EOW plus some days in the week. I applaude you for being able to take on DSS full time, I know I couldn’t. I will read with interest, good luck.

I’m in a similar position to above poster. Struggle at times. 2 DSC (10 year old boy, 13 year old girl). Known them for 4 years. They spend EOW and half the holidays with us. Mum won’t ‘allow’ any more.

No problem at all with the boy, but 13 year old girl is a different kettle of fish. Moody, won’t do anything for herself (mum babies her). I’m lucky if I get a hello when she arrives, goodbye when she goes (despite her dad pulling her up on it every time). Am nothing but nice but sometime I have to detach from her shitty behaviour. Have tried doing things with her, but she clearly doesn’t want to spend time with me.

They are with their dad for the day today and the sense of relief when they left this morning....

It’s tough.....

@NorthernSpirit I think probably SD always will be a bit more challenging than SS due to the power struggle (between “daddy’s little girl” and “the other woman”). My SD adores me but she definitely tries to “compete” with me for DH’s attention on a daily basis!

10/09/2018

SD came to ours this weekend and OMG now I realised how much more difficult to manage two kids instead of just one. There were so much more actions and so much more noises to cope with! DH has mentioned (and kept trying) to persuade me to take SD on board full time as well but I don’t think I can deal with it, at least definitely not now!

A couple of things worth mentioning

1. In SS’s school, the parent needs to check the homework book and sign on every Thursday. It only mentioned “every week” in the letter to parents so we naturally thought it will be every Friday. So SS forgot to get our signature last Thursday. He was afraid to admit to his teacher that he forgot to do it, so he signed my initials. He told us about this on Friday evening and we thought he was joking! When I found out on Sunday that he actually did it we were both shocked, because we know he is the type that always sticks to the rules and we would never dream that he is able to do this……Anyway we had a serious talk with him and we trust him that this will not happen again. On the other hand, I couldn’t help feeling a bit “flattered” because he signed my initials rather than his dad’s lol
2. I dropped DH and SD at the train station this morning. Normally she would just mumble a quick goodbye and walk away. Today she walked around to the passenger side and properly waved goodbye and told me “bye bye! See you the weekend after next week!! Bye bye!” That was quite sweet.

11/09/2018

OH and myself managed to get our working from home day approved by our companies (we each get to stay at home one day per week). Hooray!

15/09/2018

Took SS to NatWest today to open his current account, so we can transfer his weekly pocket money into the account (we drew up a list of things including house chores and study related staff that he has to do to earn the money). We want to teach him basic personal finance concepts.
Got a message from his DM complaining how uncomfortable she is about SS having a debit card and how much pocket money he gets, because "he doesn't know how to use it". Politely told her that's none of her business.
Seeing so many financially incompetent adults from work/life, I can't think of anything more important to teach a teenager!

19/11/2018

Two months later.....

The arrangement works really well. I am now used to happy SS here every evening and he settled well in his new school and even got a girlfriend (omg kids nowadays! lol) I also quite enjoy having every other weekends just to ourselves that we can have quality couple time together. I think it really helped with my relationship with SD as well as i am a lot calmer when they are both here knowing that I have the next weekend to look forward to!

On the other hand, I know SD misses her father. She started to ask him some difficult questions like "what did you divorce" leading to "I wish you were not divorced and we can live in the same house".