DSD sobbing almost daily

[Janusrock]

She is 8 and over the past few weeks she has been increasingly regularly getting herself absolutely hysterical over the fact she misses her mum. She apparently does this at her mums too about missing her dad. She says she is always sad because when she's with daddy she misses mummy and when she's with mummy she misses daddy.
She also feels guilty that she loves me and her stepdad because it might make her parents sad.

The thing is she is right. It's a horribly sad situation for her and not one we can do anything about really other than reassure her that we love her and don't want her to be upset. Any tips on something we could say or do to make her feel better? (Obviously DH handles the majority of her tears but it happens sometimes when he is out)

For background- DH and ExW have been separated since she was 1. It was a bad breakup but they have remained a good parenting team for the sake of DSD. The custody split is 50/50.

WTF no this isn't normal. Crying over something that happened 7 years ago? Her parents being separated is the only life she's known! She hasn't been crying for 7 years- you say this started a few weeks ago. You seem to be saying the right things bur could something else be going on?

Frame it positively

She has 2 bedrooms to fill with lovely things
And two Christmases to gain those lovely things to fill her bedrooms with

And remind her of this -her loving people is not the same as husband and wife love. You don't stop loving one parent because you love another. This seems obvious to adults, because we know about sex. To children, it must seem like their 2 best friends don't like each other.

Children with separated parents can become very fixated on the idea of "He stopped loving mum, he could stop loving me" or "He stopped loving mum and loves Janusrock now, if I love Janusrock, does that mean I have to not love mum?"

Actually AndhowcouldIeverrefuse, it is completely normal for some children. At 7 she’ll be more and more aware of the world around her and comparing her life to others’.

My parents divorced when I was very young but it only really ‘clicked’ as I grew up. And I still felt sad that the two people I loved most in the whole world didn’t love each other.

OP you could ask your GP or the school about counselling for her?

Could it be something else? Just looking at it from the sadness point of view and it being a recent change. Could she be hitting puberty and the hormones making her sad? I started me periods at 8 (early I know and not the norm) but my mum said it was horrible because I was sad and crying at everything in the months before.

Sounds like you're all a good team though just keep doing what you're doing!

It can be completely normal. Children reprocess events in their life as they go through developmental stages, when their understanding of the world changes.

I would keep in mind that something else might have happened to trigger it. But it might be that she is just realising through friends that not all children's circumstances are the same as hers.

How do you know she also does this at her mum's though? Is there a chance she is just saying this?

It sounds like something has happened recently. Is it because of the school holidays possibly?

I would say her getting a bit upset at this point would be normal, but getting hysterical is not. Yes she may be comparing her family set up to that of others as she gets older but it's still been 7 years & she's never known her parents together.
It could be early puberty but it does sound like something else is going on. Have you spoken to the school.
Also - some kids do find 50/50 & constantly moving between houses very hard, especially as they get older. My kids were never 50/50 but they all went through periods of hating moving between homes at roughly that age & I can remember my own dd being in foods of tears many a night due to this. It didn't bother her when she was younger as the change between houses was an adventure for her but it got tedious as she got older.

DH has spoken to her on the phone when she's upset at her mums so it's definitely true. It is possible that the school holidays have made things worse as she's had longer stretches with each parent due to holidays.

My own experience is that the holidays do have an impact because of the longer stretches. I think a change from the normal routine could be part of this. She's probably becoming more aware and therefore more questioning of the situation but I think she needs support from a professional if this continues as it doesn't sound healthy for her.

Im sorry she is going through this. Why dont you make her look at the bright side? You could encourage to put some pics of her mum and her in her room, to make some drawings or jewellery for her mum and step dad etc.. Also I would say that being apart sometimes is good because it makes you realized how much you love someone and all the things you love doing with them... Ask dad to give her lots of cuddles and if she wants to add any new routine that she does at her mums that misses and do it. I will also recommend if you could give her a notebook for her to write on it when she is sad because sometimes she may feel big emotions that are very hard to express or handle and drawing about it or writing helps. I will show her some meditation techniques like putting a lighted candle on a table like a metre from her and ask her to blow it, you keep on getting it closer to her until she can blow it. It will make her feel better and whenever she is stressed you can ask her to blow air as if the candle was in front of her. Good luck!

Try to reassure her using her friends as an analogy.

Anna is friends with Beth and Catherine. If she goes to Beth's house, it doesn't mean that she doesn't like Catherine any more. If Beth goes to Catherine's house it doesn't mean that they don't like Anna. If Debbie joins their school then she can join the group too as love isn't finite. The more people who you can find in your life that make you happy the better. She is truly blessed to have 4 adults that she love and they are all lucky to have her. Do you have other children in your life? Explain that dsd is as important as your own kids, nephews, nieces....

My kids used to sing a song in assembly that had these lyrics

Love is something if you give it away
Give it away, give it away
Love is something if you give it away
You end up having more

It's just like a magic penny
Hold it tight and you won't have any
Lend it, spend it and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor

My DS 7 has started this recently too - and we’ve been split since he was 2 - I also think the holidays have played a part as we have done roughly one week at each home.

I’m also pregnant & he has said it’s not fair that the baby will see his parents everyday

I’m also pregnant & he has said it’s not fair that the baby will see his parents everyday

That's really sad for the poor lad.

@Janusrock Obviously it may not be possible due to distance or practicality, but could you perhaps change the 50/50 rotation so that SD doesn't go so long without seeing either parent?

So instead of a week on, a week off, it could be 3 days with one, 4 days with the other, alternating each time?

That was she might not feel so distressed about missing her other parent.

Bibidy-thanks for the suggestion but that's pretty much what already happens. Other than for holidays she is never away from one parent for more than 4 nights. I genuinely can't see a way to change our arrangement for her that would make her happier (other than her parents living together which obviously won't be able to happen).

I would suggest counselling , maybe family counselling and individual for her . She is clearly struggling to process the family set up and where she sits in this . It is perfectly possible that this is only just dawning in her and she has taken on a feeling that she is responsible for everyone’s happiness . I was that child ( still am in some ways) and the feeling of being responsible for each parent is overwhelming, please get her some help to process these feelings

Do the 4 adults get on well enough to be able to all get together, with your DSD, and do something fun for DSD e.g. a meal, bowling match or something. I just wonder if it might help to see you all getting along, maybe blur the divisions a bit for her?
Obviously it would only work if you could all keep it light and fun.

She might be picking up on the emotions around her, and realising that saying she misses a parent gets a very sympathetic response. She’s making herself quite emotional but at 8 isn’t able to understand why.

Because her parents being separate is her normal life, the one she’s had all her life. This is the familiar and usual daily living.

I wonder if both parents could just ground her a bit, by not getting into the emotions, by being patient but calm. I’m not sure it’ll do her good to have big changes or consequences for her upset. I think she needs the stability of just everything being the same at the moment.

She needs to have time to work through this. Whilst she’s crying I’d reassure her that it’s totally fine to feel the way she is, totally fine to feel a bit strange sometimes. Over the weeks gently probe her, and get her to open up about her life, School, thoughts to get a sense of where she’s at.

Having said that, I’m personally not a fan of 50/50 I think it’s easier for a kid to have most time in one home with one way of doing things. Maybe just consider in the future if it might help? Small shifts.

This is not normal.

My 5 year old stepdaughter lives with her birth mom during holiday time. Personally I think that you should find a decent local therapist or see a counsellor. Allow her time to deal with this. If she cries, reassure her that it’s okay.

See if you can get her to open up about what’s bothering her. If therapy is not a feasible option get her to write down her thoughts on paper.