How to get along with Stepdaughters

[StepdadsRok]

Morning all, bare with me as I'm a newbie to this. So, I've been with my partner/fiancee for 5 years now, started living with her and her two girls around 4 years ago when they were 3 and 5 (now 8 and nrly 11). I have two boys from a previous marriage around the same age and the children all get along well as step siblings could. My partner and I also have a 19 month old son together which does not seem to a problem for any of the children, in fact they all dote on him.The problem is with my fiancees eldest daughter, I say problem it's more frustration at not being acknowledged. I'm not looking to replace her dad (whom she see's every other weekend) nor do I want to be her best friend but after 5 years of knowing me, several holidays in the UK and abroad, taking and picking up from football training, athletics etc etc it would be nice to have some sort of recognition rather than be considered a lodger. The youngest daughter and I get on really well so there is no issue there.
One of my fiancees friends said it's a genetic thing (saying please and thank you is a sign of weakness - very much her fathers opinion) and that there is very little I can do to change the situation.
Advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

I have 2 step daughters exactly the same age. The eldest was a bit funny with me at the start but has warmed to me over the years. I work with teenagers so know first hand to never expect any gratitude from them. It's horrid but they just don't get how hard it is for parents/step parents until they grow up and have kids themselves.

Only advice I can give is don't lower your expectations. Treat them just like your own kids, good and bad. You will undoubted get the 'your not my dad' line. I had it once, and never again once I explained 'no I'm not your mother yet I'm here cooking your dinner, cleaning your clothes and taking you on holiday' line.

Enjoy the fun times with them, and understand you are not the only step parents going through this. She will be grateful.....in about 10 years! When all the hard work is done xx

Thanks for your reply, much appreciated.You are right about the communication being one sided, I'm putting that down to her age, hormones etc.I I've always been a hands on dad and have tried to do the same with my fiancees girls mindful that I am not their dad but want to make sure they grow up knowing boundaries, manners and politeness without being meek and mild.
We are not helped by her father or his mother who only want to appear as the 'fun' family, letting them go to bed when they want or eat as much chocolate as they want. I feel for my fiancee as she works really hard all week and weekends and tries to share the love with her girls even though the eldest is very demanding emotionally and materialistically.

Recognition and acknowledgment from a soon to be teenager? Good luck! Some kids are very selfless by nature and a joy to have around. Some are OK but a large number of teens and pre-teens are totally self-centered and unable to consider anything impacting on others. It doesn't mean that are bound to become self-focused adults, unless spoiled rotten and encouraged in that behaviour most grow out of it.

Deep breath and brace yourself for the next... 6 years or more. I know not what you signed for but it will be OK in the end. Step adult kids can bring a lot of joy.

Hi I’m a full time step mum to two boys ages 19 and 10 (my husband is a widower) The older lad is very little problem but the 10 year old will push the boundaries as far as he can. I insist upon politeness or else I go on strike! No lifts, no privileges nothing! I’ve even gone so far to make my husband pay for him to stay at tea club at school and refused to collect him when guilty dad syndrome kicked in and husband started to permit behaviour which I considered unacceptable..I think the world of both lads and being polite, showing appreciation and accepting others are all valuable life skills which we all need and simple good manners cost nothing...I would recommend a strike but it’s also likely that she’s accepted you more than you think and she might just be treating you like her dad, I think I was told off loads as a kid for just expecting lifts and things with no please or thank you, she might just be a typical kid taking her parents totally for granted.