Moving in and trouble ahead? Advice pleaae

[HipsterAssassin]

Hi there, just asking for advice from wise MN’ers. I’ve been with my partner three years and we have teens - two each. My partner’s dd is 17 and NEET (been out three years, due to anxiety initially and now her mood is fine and she is happy mooching about the house, never going out). My issue is the problems this will cause if we move in together in the future. We have planned to start the ball rolling in two years. My issue is not his dd herself, I feel desperately sad for her and really badly want to help. It’s more her parents are burying their heads in the sand. They seem to have a totally lacklustre/paralysed approach. Her dad has not so much as Googled a college and neither has her mum. Hard to help without communicating that I am baffled as to why neither parent seems to have any sense of urgency... which to be honest - I am! Clearly if/when we set up home this will cause problems in our relationship and the whole family dynamic, how she will take it, what my kids will make of it etc..... does anyone have any advice? Am I completely mad to consider blending in these circumstances? It’s a thorny issue which I can turn a blind eye to while we live apart (though I still feel very sad for the dd).

Don't do it.

There is no more advice to offer. Stay dating or whatever you class yourselves as and reconsider moving in with him when she's older and more settled

Ok. It does sound sensible. Thanks.

I would have a hard time explaining to my dc that while they need to be independent/attend college/get part-time jobs, his dd inexplicably isn’t expected to do anything she doesn’t remotely feel like doing and is fully supported in that. I can explain it when I’m not involved. And shrug and say I don’t get it. But to throw my lot in with that.....

I guess I should make that clear to my partner that I’m having a re-think? It’s this new passing September which is another missed opportunity which is making me realise that it’s a parenting issue, and a big divide.... it’s starting to really worry me.

Not looking forward to that conversation!

I have to agree OP, you can’t live together. No way. Who does DSD live with, split between mum and dad? If there’s been no change in 3 years (was she home schooled?! Surely you can’t just opt out of education?) there’s no reason why it’ll happen anytime soon. You can’t Iive like that and it’s completely unfair on your own DC, as you say.

I’d struggle to respect him as your parenting styles are SO different tbh but I don’t want to stick the boot in and you might already be there. That may start to be a real issue in your relationship. Will she be hanging around neither earning or learning with she’s 19, 20, 25? Can’t see why she’d push herself if no one does it for her. It does happen and step parents at the end of their tether supporting a dependent adult stepchild while the parent is fine with the status quo crops up on here often enough. You’ll either be the bad guy and your relationship will suffer or you’ll bitterly resent your partner and your relationship will suffer.

Keep things light for now. Tell him you each need time and space to focus on your children. If he pushes the issue then consider how honest you want to be.

Tell him you each need time and space to focus on your children. If he pushes the issue then consider how honest you want to be.

Sound advice :)

Thanks, guys. This is really helpful. She spends at least 90% of her time at her mum’s. Never been home schooled. Her mum has been off work (due to depression) for most the time I’ve been with DP. She sleeps a lot and I can’t grasp what her parenting ethos is. To talk to her she seems great but the situation belies that, she won’t get up in the morning for ds, he goes to get her up. DP doesn’t have a bedroom for dd in his house (too small). The ds is lovely, motivated and doing brilliantly at school (again, not much parenting needed I guess!). I get on great with both kids, but am bewildered by the situation.

You’re right, dependent adult step kids crops up here often. It’s a warning sign. It would be completely different, if they were doing everything they can for her.

Live separAtely. I can’t see how this will work otherwise till you children are living in their own houses.

Perhaps there was mention of suicide in the past or running away or something that makes the DPs feel they can't pressure her to do anything. So she does nothing. The DD will probably shake herself and get moving on with life at some point but it could be 10 years time. (or tomorrow)

Yep Alma. She had been in a dark place at one point and I get that, totally. How frightening and paralysing that is. But that was a long while ago now. She is now under no services and off the radar.
When we were on holiday DP said he and his ex have never instilled in their dc an expectation that they, as parents would carry through or be consistent (ie, be the parent). He is always gobsmacked that my dc do as they are told wrt basic boundaries. I guess it’s a toxic combination for his dd.

The temptation is I think to analyse what’s behind the issue. But I resist the temptation. It’s not helpful, unless he asks for my help or my opinion (which he hasn’t).

What is NEET ?

NEET = not in employment, education or training

Sorry, it stands for:

‘not in employment, education or training’

I was about to Google NEET. So thanks for the clarity.

I agree seperate homes are best for the foreseeable future.

Well - we had the conversation today. Gulp. He said he and her mum are failing their dd. He was remarkably calm when he said that! When I said how hard it would be to create a household with expectations for everyone, with me ending up Public Enemy No.1 in the process, he admitted he had thought about that(!) (a lot!) so he totally knew what I meant. Talk about burying ones head firmly in the sand!! I asked is he afraid of upsetting his ex and he said no. I asked does he want me to give him some help or some input, he said yes of course. We chatted more about it.

I said we should approach future potential move with eyes open and not avoid difficult issues - because it could all go totally wrong and it, and we would fail, with yet more disruption to innocent kids/pain for everyone. I feel like he took it well (at the time, though now I feel awful!) but no doubt he will feel hurt and bruised. And I don’t know where it leaves us. Just see where it lands now. But it needed to be said and I felt good getting it off my chest.

Glad you had a talk, and it’s positive that your DP said he could see the potential problem.

I wonder if she sends 90% at her Mums that at least gives you the majority of the time to be parenting without the stress of conflict with DSD/DP. On the other hand, if her Mum is the same then DSD May live with her for years to come.

If you can keep a strong relationship living apart then it might be good to do this for a while, however it’ll also grate eventually that you can’t move in together because your DP and Mum are enabling a young adult to remain a child. Very tough situation!

My DSD is now a 22 year old NEET - well working but only a few hours a week. She moved out of our house in her last year of school, as she wanted to just treat me and my son with disdain, partly because I was creating a house with rules with my own kids and she didn’t like that, she’d constantly put me down if I parented my children. It’s such a bad bad dynamic. I’m the bad guy now but I did try to help her. I’m sad she’s doing nothing it’s bad for her development, but my kids now have a household without all that tension.

Well I’m thinking of all sorts of possibilities - her mum moved in with her partner a while ago, there has been trouble caused there by DP’s dd. DP says she is capable of scheming and manipulation - those are his exact words, not mine (she has done pre-meditated stuff in the past to get at her step dad).

What if, for example it came to a head, and she decided to live with us full time? It’s highly unlikely - she and her mum are close - she gets on with her step brother - but things can change.

Equally she may be only an occasional visitor to any joint home of mine/DP, but I think all the kids would need to be older to set up that kind of thing.

I have worked hard to support my kids through their difficulties and my dc are thriving, not saying there is anything wrong with his kids. Am just thinking it’s too much of a risk. The whole point of my divorce was to achieve a tension free house! Despite finding two homes a drag, I would rather just give it a few years and see. Also I suppose my kids have two homes (they are almost 50/50 with dad) so...

maybe I have to suck it up too?

It’s true, she could want to live with you, there is potential conflict!

Especially as his DD is now nearly an adult, the dynamics are not going to change. She probably is manipulative, but that’s been allowed by her parents.

A tension free house is pretty crucial particularly if we have our own kids. I do care for my DSDs, I want the best for them, but I was in the position where I was asked to have my NEET DSD back to live with us and I said No. It just wasn’t fair on my younger kids. And at that point I was okay breaking up with DP if he felt he wanted to live with his DD and support her. I honestly needed a peaceful house more than a relationship.

Giving it a few years sounds very sensible.

I've never heard of NEET before, is it because she can't, or won't find a job or training?

As I say, it’s an impasse, his dd is keen to maintain the status quo and her parents are making no demands of her, not even chores. It’s a very difficult situation but it shows the glaring difference in our parenting styles. Although in many (most) respects we are bang on the same page, when it comes to having some natural authority with his dc we seem poles apart. The way she has been parented just won’t work in a house where I am step mum.

Hi @hipster I have posted on the other similar thread to this.

I have just had to have the exact same conversation with my DP and it was incredibly hard. I think, irrespective of age, when you love someone, you want to believe it will be ok and work out and that love is enough.
I'm in complete agreement with you FWIW and I think you've done really well to have this conversation.

It's hard. You've met someone, they make you happy and who wouldn't want a happy family? The challenge as you have quite rightly identified is that these differing parenting styles will have a huge impact, especially on your wellbeing and those of your DC.

The impasse you've reached could be pretty defining (well as defining as mine with my DP) because he will either do something about his DD and step more in line with your thinking. Or he won't and he will continue to do what he has always done. You're communicating about it which is brilliant and he appears open to what you're saying, so progress could be made and this decision may not be forever.

If your conversation was as heartbreakingly difficult and stressful as mine though, then well done for sticking to your guns and having it. You did the right thing, now you can just watch and wait and carry on with life. x