BM writing my partner letters regarding children's care

[Tiz28]

Hi all

I'm concerned about what is going to happen next regarding my SC... I have been with my partner for over 4 years now and known the Schildren and been part of their lives for well over 3.
Their mother has recently been on to my partner about maintenance payments, which my OH has done via CSA website and they have agreed. We went away this weekend and have come home to a letter with all her 'concerns' on. They are all unfounded, and have been discussed with her by my OH either on the phone or at pick up or drop off (depending on if her partner is there... that is another story!!). She is taking the Sc's take on what's happened as gospel, for example my SD 'saved my SS's life' while we were on holiday... obviously not what happened AT ALL!!! There was no danger, she was not truthful as children are not. As she has put this in a letter and sent it I am concerned as to why and what she is planning to do next... my OH is beside himself!

What can we do?? We feel like our hands are tied and cannot do anything with the children in case they go back and tell tall tales again and OH gets no contact. He's just so upset

Sorry for the long post, I am just at a complete loss now

I'm dealing with the same situation where passing comments are taken WAY out of context by a mum who is just looking for an argument (eg. we gave SD a birthday cake in a restaurant and a few people clapped when it was brought out to be nice to a kid and she passively said "oh embarrassing" Queue 500 emails about how we embarrassed her and are affecting her mental health negatively and contact should be reduced due to this incident

These people thrive on drama. My best advice is disengage from it and don't get sucked in.

You have nothing to hide so don't be made to feel like you do. A letter is just a letter. If you need to reply then reply saying "I note with interest the information contained within your letter. I do not agree with this content, however it has been noted" or something along those lines.

One of the big lessons I learnt from my Ex, who wasn’t that nice, is that they can shout, say stuff all they like. Their approval isn’t needed anymore.

Are you good parents? Then don’t get sucked in at all. Do not reply. Keep going on your OWN path.

Life isn’t about who complains the most. Don’t make it all about them.

Thank you both so much! Disengaging was precisely what I said to the OH but he won't have it! We care for those children so well, we just give them more freedom than she does!
Thank you ladies, me and OH have been up all night worrying about this... I won't be tonight!!

At next pick up, I would thank her for her letter. That's it. No conversation about it, no trying to justify anything she has written.jyst a smile and walk away.
I would also write down anything she has put innit with the factual explanation of the events. Keep the letter and your explanation for reference. If the children know about the letter, don't discuss it with them!
If she is trying to reduce contact, she will have to go throw the courts and give good reason. Sounds like she's just trying to cause trouble.

To be fair if my kids had come back relating an incident that could have been dangerous I would have taken it seriously and not just assumed my kids were telling tales.

What happened? Was it a pool incident? How old are the kids? What happened after your OH spoke with her?

Ignore.

People like this thrive on the drama and want a response, they want you to fuel their fire.

My OH’s EW is the same. OH drops the kids off in a Sunday EOW - she applies are ‘Guantanamo Bay’ extracting information out of the kids and by the time my OH gets home there’s a vitriolic email about something she’s not happy with.

Ignore. These people love the drama and want you to engage.

Swingofthings, it was not a life threatening/dangerous incident. They are 9 and 6 and were in sight at all times in a coved sea area where they could stand! It was explained to her at the time when she spoke to the children when we were there! Nobody was hurt, there was no issue at all!

I didn't mean telling tales, that was maybe not the right wording... I simply meant they are hugely exaggerating, as children are inclined to do!!

I wouldn’t worry about it OP.

This weekends ‘drama’ - what a ‘shit dad’ my OH is (latest vitriolic rant). Apparently OH was asleep on the sofa ‘all day’ yesterday (I must check where she’s installed the CCTV cameras that give her 24 access into our lives and what goes on).

Actual version of events - my OH (in his 50’s I may add) had been shopping with the kids, then taken them to play football in the park for a few hours. When he got back he fell asleep on the sofa for i’d say an hour.

Apparently this makes him a shit father.

We ignore. You can’t deal with crazy.

Quite true, you can’t deal with crazy!

Have a mental checklist:
Have you been neglectful?
Has safety been compromised?
Are the children long term compromised?

If no. IGNORE!

My Ex sent me a huge long email once about how I was a crap mother, that I’d ‘sent our son to him in only a pair of shorts in the middle of winter’, that I’d made it so difficult for him to see his father, that he only had one pair of socks... it went on and on and I was very upset.

Even though it was actually sent in response to me paying for a hotel for both of them, paying Exes travel, sending DS with clothes lots of clothes (he packed shorts as well as trousers as he said he liked hanging out indoors and in bed with shorts)... and yet I still let it get to me. Some people are abusive... recognize it!

That your DP doesn’t want to dismiss it is more of the worry.

What exactly does he think he’s done wrong? Why if he had really done wrong does he need his Ex to tell him? Why wouldn’t he just recognize this himself?

Tell a neutral third party, like his mother or his brother. See what they say.

He knows he hasn't done wrong, he's scared she is trying to take the children away from him. Worried there is a game plan I think is what it is.

I'm going to have a proper talk with him later about it because I think responding would be fuel to the fire unless he just says he's received the letter and makes her again aware that she can contact him whenever necessary etc etc etc

What happened though? You say nobody was hurt but could they have been? What did the 9yo say to her mum?

She’s their Mum, not their “birth Mum”.

I second the others and say ignore.

Never feed the drama llamas

Well for a start she is their mother, not "birth mother". And she's perfectly entitled to tell you if she's concerned about something. Is there a back story here? Just seems like your DH reaction is possibly a bit OTT?

OP...you've name changed.

My apologies for upsetting you saying BM I did not want confusion. I am fully aware who their mother is! I am not saying she isn't, but a conversation would suffice. There is a back story, but not on my OHs side!