Would you have moved in together in retrospect?

[Magda72]

A query for those of you who have moved in with your dhs or dps when there's been teens involved on both sides. In retrospect would you have done it or tried Living Apart Together?
Dp & I have been trying to buy a house to suit all of us (his 18, 15 & 12 - all boys, mine 21, at uni, 16 & 12, only girl) for over a year now but every suitable property we've seen has either been too expensive & our offer rejected or the sale has fallen through. They're all too old to share (with steps) so we need about 5 bedrooms as my eldest has no space at his dads when he's back from uni & always stays with me. It's like the universe is conspiring against us.
We're now looking at having to live apart for the foreseeable future which isn't ideal as we're hoping to get married next year - we're together 4 years at this stage.
Has anyone tried this long term and had it work? Were the kids happier in the long run do you think or did it cause problems?
Alternatively, does anyone regret moving in together with teens? Did it destabilize a set up that was operating ok for the teens but hard on the adults?
Would love to hear others experiences as dp & I are not seeing the wood for the trees at this stage.

I agree @HipsterAssassin. I think for both mums & dads it's something that doesn't really present itself until after the fact. In dp's case he was always the earner & his ex the sahm so they continued this set up by mutual agreement post divorce as it seemed easiest for everyone including the kids. He hands on parents by doing all the school stuff (meetings etc.) but has lost the day to day connection. It's like a chicken & egg situation in that the dynamic that has been set is one whereby his kids expect his full attention all the time & expect to be amused when with him but object to being corrected. He in turn realizes this mistake now but it's a mistake that was made in good faith at the time & now seems impossible to rectify & while they are good kids they are now very entitled through no real fault of their own.
As you say - would be so great if school could give classes on all this stuff!!!

I don’t have a day-to-day connection to my kids either - me and my exH are sort of 55% 45% contact arrangement. But I don’t feel any guilt whatsoever. They are spending time with the other parent and that’s as it should be.

Perhaps it’s less the amount of contact as much as the type of, contact between dad and kids? I don’t know. I’m just musing..

there's obviously something very deep in him that gets triggered by his ex with regards to the kids & he reacts before he's even caught himself if that makes any sense. Personally I think she's emotionally abusive.

It makes total sense and again I could have written this too. My DP would swear blind that his Ex and his relationship was happy and that they have a healthy, distant coparenting relationship. It’s so far from the truth it’s scary. I think some Exes have really done a number on their husbands and men will not admit it is abuse. But it is.

Hipster I would say from my experience that this is often not the case. Guilt is experienced by the more responsible Dads not the other way around. My Ex feels no guilt at all but is useless. My DP and I looked after his kids 80% of the time yet his Ex would still guilt trip him over everything. Why would she? Because he’d listen, respond and do more, it worked. She’d get the kids every Christmas Day yet on no weekends the rest of the year did she want them! I digress...

Incredibly tough to then be the new partner, if there is a situation like Magda as the step kids are also embroiled. Her DP sounds quite caring too, trying to keep the peace but stuck appeasing his Ex and his kids rather than parenting and being a good partner. His priorities need to shift and he needs to be his own parent, not his exes version.

I know this thread has been inactive for a while, but I am just wondering whether things have moved on for you @Magda72?
I'm in similar situation in wanting to blend families, but not being 100% sure. I feel like I am living a double life. One week with my kids (pre-teens) at my house, and one week with my partner and his kids (teens) at his house (he is widowed, so kids with him all the time).

A good point made upthread about the new GF stepping in to do the parenting. My ex is just a really lazy Dad, he always puts himself first. I was so delighted when he found a (new) sensible woman to do everything. People are very, very foolish to alienate the person who could well have sole sensible care of your child while you're not with them. I lovebomb my DCs SM and even my parents sent her a get well card when she was in hospital. She probably hates me secretly