I’m not the best example, as it ultimately fell apart, but there were some positives about moving together. Like you, we had a pile of kids, his all girls which was trickier as with hindsight the older girls were very territorial and behaved like Mums, so weren’t keen on an actual Mum displacing them!
Although, I really do think the experience helped my DSDs. They got a stable family home, when they needed it. They may have been loyal to their Mum and not liked my ways, but I cared enough about their well-being to have some rules and they got parented. Older teens need that way more than they would admit! At their Mums they get more freedom but less of that nurture and the more vulnerable DSDs have got stuck in childhood at their Mums, who in turn has been asking DP to ‘sort them out’ but they chose her house and there’s a limit to what we can do. But honestly I think two of my DSDs gained massively. And now have dipped back a bit without our home around them. Even if no one will ever attribute that to our set up.
As your DP has boys this may be less sticky than the older female teen jealousies and ‘taking Daddy away’. Although there were problems if I remember about your DSSs general moodiness towards you? I hope they start off with a better attitude. The atmosphere in the house is key.
I’m really pleased that you are both now in a good place. You’ve worked hard to get there and must love each other and want to make it work. You aren’t going in blind.
I’m racking my brain for things:
Own rooms help massively, but be careful older ones don’t treat the house as a student pad. It may help the older ones to have the smaller less comfy rooms, as otherwise they’ll treat it like a personal den. The aim is for them to want to be independent, not see you as a comfy hotel. I’d say give the best rooms to the 12 year olds. They need more for longer.
Think about space. Is there room enough for a boy den so they can keep out of your hair in the evenings?
My son and his step sisters got a lot out of sharing and playing together, once we’d sorted some rudeness towards him. The initial years were more open, and the house had a lively feel. If the 12 year old and 15/16 can find common ground that could be a real benefit. We as adults made a lot more effort to do stuff together at first too.
It is hard to know how things develop until you try it of course.
After 2/3 years unfortunately my son, who was the youngest out of DSDs got a bit downtrodden really. He was very much wanting sisters and they grew very indifferent within that time and ignoring of me. My son was very aware of this and grew angry at how we were both being treated, so as an older teen now he just has his own mates and has nothing to do with DSDs. I defended the ignoring of my son to my DSDs and got them to stop, and they no longer visit. So I do feel guilty that I put my son through a year or so of feeling an outsider in a gang of step siblings.
So I guess even if you move in, have a few options about what you might do if things deteriorate between the kids.
I didn’t feel that it destabilized me and my older son, however I did have to respond to the home dynamics much more than if we were settled by ourselves. I started off putting most energy into the whole blended family. I tried to be very fair, and think of the whole. I ended up being a different parent to the single one I was. I then had to get quite tough skinned, and think of my own kids as number one as my steps just didn’t play fair tbh. So be flexible!
You’ve been together 4 years so you have a real idea of how both families work.
Also, some relationships are surprising. I did not think my son would get on so well with the youngest, who was shockingly rude but turned out to like us the most. I did not think my resident DSD would turn out to be so indifferent, as she started out the nicest. Relationships are surprising.
Don’t like I did move into the family home. Such a bad mistake.
Move well away from Ex.
Move nearest your support. And if possible where the kids are near facilities and not stuck home reliant on transport.
Talk through how the kids might be in 3/4 years from now. What would you do if his eldest son doesn’t leave home and never gets a job? It’s 18 and over that I found most tricky. My DSDs wanted to be equals especially as I was a SM.
Good luck!