Dsd lies D:

[Pussinboots94]

My 9 year old step daughter lies, and when I say lies I mean LIES. And as ashamed as I am to admit this, I think I’m actually scared of her because of it. I’ve been with my partner about 18 months now, he is amazing. Me and her get on ok, and the 6yo DSD and 2yo DSS are gorgeous humans. But what started out as cheeky back chat and attitude which I warned him he might want to sort, has now escalated into a quite frankly horrendous situation. I don’t think any children are inherantly beyond help, and I think maybe she could be helped, but I think if the parents won’t help themselves then essentially the child will become beyond help. I don’t even know where I am going with this. I just needed to vent. Or maybe hear others stories so that I don’t feel quite so bad. I don’t know I simply feel so so lost.

What sort of lies does she tell

I used to do this when I was young. Like some lies that was not on and lies for the sake of lying. Punishing me never worked only when I got older did it stop. But then nobody believed me at that point 🙄

What sorts of things is she lying about? How does her Dad deal with it when it comes to light?

You're absolutely right that if her parents don't see a problem or choose not to face it, nothing will change.

However, 9 is still young and you can't write her off! There must be a reason she's doing, probably for attention, so it's worth looking at what the things are she's lying about, whether it's intentional or she's just telling stories, and whether anything makes a difference to it. It's a cliche but she does get one to one time with Dad and feel really listened to? As the oldest is she feeling overlooked as the younger ones need more care, especially the baby?

She's had a lot of change in her short life with a younger sibling, her parents splitting up, you coming onto the scene.

Do you and her dad try and consciously "catch her being good" and give her lots of praise for kind acts and achievements?

If she's acting up she's not happy about something so focus on the lovely special things about her as well as trying to address challenging behaviour.

I feel like he focuses on the bad more than the good. He is a very attentive dad when it comes to the clothes and their hair and washing and general care but not behaviour wise if that makes sense? I tell him for every time he tells her off he needs to say/praise something good too and he has been trying. I think he just finds it all so stressful, but it’s no excuse to take it out on the kids. She’s a tricky one because she is just constantly doing things she shouldn’t be. From little things up to the big things. I think the dad feels personally attacked by it all as though it’s ained at him, it isn’t, as the mum is now having huge issues with her too. Although she really resents having to spend any time with her father these days as he will actually punish her wrong doings as opposed to whatever it is that goes on at home. In the early days it was just eye rolling and smirking behind his back, the usual, but now she will tell lies in revenge for being punished and it is really really dangerous. It’s not being helped by the fact she thinks joining her father on weekends is a choice not a requirement of her so she is becoming more and more bitter and angry.

But what is she actually saying that’s not true? Eye rolling while annoying is just one of those things sometimes. If it gets a massive negative reaction when she does it she’ll keep doing it as negative attention is still attention.

Punishing her for doing it rather than trying to get to the bottom of it isn’t going to work. You’re right that he should be trying to praise her as much as he can. That’s not ignoring or condoning bad behaviour but he should try and make it clear that it’s her actions that he dislikes, not her. Eg “it’s annoying when you do that, if you’re not happy can you please try and explain how I can help” vs “you’re annoying, stop it”.

I’m sure she’s still a lovely girl with good qualities, she’s being a pain at the moment and it might be a phase, being unsettled about something, reaching out for attention because she’s feeling left out.

Does her mum have her back early if she asks? Ideally the parents would try and work together on tackling what’s bothering her and how to help but I know that’s not always possible.

My DsD used to do this around that age!

I remember one time she told her friend via text that she had a really bad accident, and was in hospital with a broken back! This got back to dP and I, and we were like, where on Earth has she got that from? It was pretty bad as she made her friend and her friends mum really worry!

Other things were if I asked her if she had cleaned her teeth she would say she had when she hadn’t, but I think many kids would try to pull that one.

I used to put it to my DSD that if she wanted me to trust her than she needed to start being truthful, otherwise I would not believe her if she was telling the truth, she got the message and is really good now, think it was just a phase and sometimes it is done for attention. Has your DsD had any upheaval recently?

X

I think it depends on the lie.

"I killed a spider bigger than my hand" is a lie but it's more an exaggeration that doesn't hurt anyone.

"I'm going to Disney World this summer" is a lie that is more like wishful thinking and not serious.

"Mum crashed the car and told me to keep it a secret from you" is a lie that is serious as it's potentially worrying or hurting people. I would worry about this kind of lie affecting friendships at school too as school friends are going to tolerate this less than family.

Is she embarrassed when her lie is discovered? Does she get extra attention because of it like one on one chats with Dad? Does she understand how the people in her life will view her if she continues to lie? I have a child who's lied more than the others and we assume he's telling lies and he ends up being accused of stuff more often than his siblings because of it.

My DSS did this all the time when we first got together and for years after to be honest. It used to cause arguments, which is what he wanted, so I found the best way around it.

If my DH came to me shouting that I had said this and that about his son I would calmly suggest we all get together and discuss the matter. That way he couldn't lie and his dad could see his facial expressions and his lies would fall apart.

He soon learned that lying didn't work. The last time he tried it he told his dad I had walked into his room told him to shut the F**k up . This was at 10pm at night . I then stormed in 2 mins later and said if he didn't shut up I would make him.

Reality was it was 2.30am. He was shouting and swearing at a computer game which woke me up. I knocked on the door and asked him to keep it down as we were asleep and he woke us up. I then went downstairs , made a drink, drank it and came back up to him still doing it. I knocked on the door and asked again if he would stop . He stood up and said when im ready to which I said ok well I will wake your dad and ask him to tell you. I then went bed.

Due to us all sitting down and battling out his lies crumbled and his dad could see he lied so he never bothered again. try that