Phone for 8yo SS

[RayRae19]

Is it ok to buy a phone for 8yo SS to have at his mum's house to call us?
We only have him every other weekend and he usually has calls with his dad once a week, but his mum has started to use this to basically blackmail my OH, asking for money in exchange for call time etc.

It would be the MOST BASIC kind of handset, no internet or camera. Pay as you go so we could top up enough that he can call.

I feel like 8 is young (although I know kids do have phones young these days) but I hate the situation. He says he asks to call to speak to his dad but his mum says no. Also when she's not allowing my OH to call at scheduled times we have no idea what reason she's giving SS (they have always spoken at 7pm on Weds so he knows to expect it) - what if she's telling him his dad doesn't have time or can't be bothered?

If we gave SS a phone it would hopefully be clear to him that we want to speak to him whenever he needs us. It would be a good opportunity for him to show he can be responsible by looking after it too.
Or is he too young?

Also - can anyone who has court agreed custody tell me how this kind of thing works when you have an arrangement in place? When custody is decided, is regular contact like this put in place and enforceable?
We haven't been to court and don't plan to for cost and work reasons, but I'm wondering where we would stand.
Thanks

You can have regular phone contact written into court agreements if you can prove she is deliberately withholding contact between the child and father.
I personally think 8 is too young for a phone but could you maybe get him an iPad under the guise of it being for educational purposes? My DD’s iPad is signed into my Apple ID and I’ve disabled the call and text facilities but she can still FaceTime. I’ve saved 5 numbers for people she can FaceTime and that’s it - me, grandparents, aunt & uncle, cousin etc.

Also if you get him a phone the mother could just take it off him so I’m not sure how that solves the problem? At least with an iPad she may be more willing to let him use it due to its other functions and games.

I would suggest EOW contact is too little anyway... couldn’t your partner physically go to see him one night a week?

I know you don't mean it this way, but 8 is too young to put this responsibility onto him. Your husband needs to take responsibility and go to court, that will show that he is serious and isn't just foisting the responsibility onto a child for contact.

You might not mean it that way, but it would put enormous pressure on a child whose mum is already causing problems for him.

As someone who has given an 8yo a phone (for different reasons), I really don't think this is the best way to go. Quite aside from the fact that you would be asking your DSS to take a level of responsibility that he can't actually carry out (what if his mother places restrictions on the use of the phone, reasonable or otherwise?), making a unilateral parenting decisions like this is only going to exacerbate the existing tensions between the parents. How would your DH feel if DSS arrived for contact with a mobile phone to call his mother whenever he chose to? What about at mealtimes, at bedtime, when he's in trouble for something? It's something they need to agree on rules for together, and if they can't then as a PP said your DH needs to take responsibility for taking steps to resolve it more formally.

Just because you give him a phone doesn't mean he will be allowed to use it whenever he wants

Will you expect him to hide the phone from mum? Because that’s not going to work and is all shades of problematic.

A phone for an 8 year old really should be a joint parenting decision and many Would remove it.

What about mediation?

I agree with @lunar1 - I think giving him a phone under these circumstances will put him in an awful position at home. His dm will most likely not be happy which leaves your dss in the position of either using it and upsetting his dm or not using it and upsetting his df (assuming his dm doesn't take it from him in the first place) - that's way too much responsibility for an 8yo.
His dad needs to be the adult here & sort out his access to his son - even if it means going down the legal route.

No, IMO 8 years old is too you. It’s too much responsibility for a child this age.

The mother is being unreasonable. Asking for money in return for contact and disgusting behaviour. Kids aren’t pay per view.

My OH’s EW wouldn’t ‘allow calls’. She also would stop contact / calls if she didn’t get cash. Despite at this time getting £1,500 a month.

So my OH took her to court and got a contact order. It was written into the order that dad can speak to the kids 3 set days a week at a certain time (she has to make them available).

Now the kids are older he’s bought a mobile for his 11 year old (and funny enough even though dad only sees the mum EOW she rings circa 2 x a day)! My advice would be never stop the kids ringing a parent and don’t stoop to anyone’s low level.

Get a court order and stop her messing around.

And yes, indirect contact such as making the kids available for phone calls are enforceable.

Giving dss a phone is going to inflame things when she finds out and confiscates it. You are asking him to keep a secret from the other parent which isn't cool.

Xw is doing this because you haven't taken her to court and she clearly thinks that you won't. I would go through the legal process for your son's sake as she'd have to allow the call,

Thanks all for your advice. It has made me think a little more about whether it will do more harm than good, although I never said we'd ask him to keep it a secret, we definitely wouldn't.
Also I wouldn't really mind if he bought a phone with him to make contact with his mum, she calls constantly at inconvenient times and then gets rude when we don't answer anyway so makes no difference. She also makes all the decisions including changing schools etc without ever consulting OH.

Not sure I really love the implication that my OH isn't responsible though - we cannot afford to go to court, nor are we entitled to legal aid. We have looked into it previously but my OH works shifts and weekends so a set visitation wouldn't work as he needs the flexibility of being able to swap. We live an hour away from SS so quick visits after school aren't easy.

Unfortunately his ex knows this and uses it to manipulate him because she knows we won't go to court. It's very stressful and means our whole lives are in her hands, and she knows it.
I really wish they could co-parent better, we've tried putting things down in writing/emails or trying to have proper sit downs but ex just ignores it and will only discuss issues in front of SS at pick up because "she doesn't have to waste her time" talking to OH at another arranged time.

I was just hoping to take a little bit of that power back and let SS know that we would love to hear from him more if we could, but maybe this wouldn't be the right way to go about it.

You OH can apply to the courts himself and represent himself - it costs £215.

Lots of people work shifts and this can be built into the contact order.

Hi to court. It’s the only way.

@NorthernSpirit thanks for the info, is that what your OH did? How much did it all cost him in total (if you don't mind me asking)?
Also am I right that you have to prove you've tried mediation before you go to court? What is the cost of that like?

It's definitely not that my OH doesn't want to go to court or can't be bothered, it would be our absolute dream to have something set in stone, we just really didn't think it would be possible for us.

OP - my OH had a solicitor originally but wasn’t getting anywhere so represented himself and continues to do so when she breaches the order. It costs £215 to apply to the courts.

My OH offered mediation but the EW refused to attend, so it went straight to court (i believe a box is ticked to say it’s been offered).