Ex wife ignored me

[monkeymoon]

Hi all, just looking for some input re something that happened to me recently and has been bothering me.

I was out in a coffee shop on a weekday with a friend when I spotted my husbands ex wife, she looked at me and I waved, and she put her head down and ignored me completely.

We have a "good" relationship as far as we can, I regularly look after my DSD and am in frequent contact with this woman, but she blanked me completely in public...
Just another perk of being a step mum?!

She's rude. I'd call her on it myself next time I saw her and ask why. Honestly some people are just awful, basic manners cost nothing.

That's just plain rude. I'd be annoyed too, and I'd have to say something to her about it.

My 18 yo SD blanked me in public recently. She was with one of her friends, I was with DD. They happened to be going out of a shop as we were in the check out que. I called out to her intending to see if they wanted a lift home (she lives with us and her friend lives near by), and she looked at me, looked away and walked off. Needless to say I was less than impressed and I spoke to her about it when she got home. Unacceptable behaviour from an stroppy teenager, never mind a grown woman.

I feel that too much time has passed to bring it up with her now, I really wish I had the nerve to just tackle it at the time, it makes me look like such a doormat and I hate that she makes me incapable of confrontation.

Are you sure she saw you?

Yes, we had direct eye contact and she was about 6fr away from me...I spoke to my husband about it afterwards and he wasn't surprised, he said she is just a rude and nasty person at times. I find it hard to believe that people like that exist but I have had my eyes opened, just rudeness

My husband's ex-wife does the same. Greets me when it suits her and I think we have a seemingly good relationship. She'll sms me (when my husband is away) and ask for help with her kids re: lifts or childcare without a mention of a hello, please or thank you. I think, she thinks I owe it to them all. Needless, to say I've put some boundaries in place. My SS will blank me too, I don't think he is purposely being rude, I just think he has the same manners as his mother.

@FifthSparrow what kind of boundaries? I need to do the same. As a step mum I sometimes feel like my feelings are just on the bottom of everyone's priority list and if I were to express annoyance at something to her it would totally fall on deaf ears. It's like I am shit on her shoe, but can arrange childcare when it suits!

Sometimes you just get taken by surprise when you see someone in the street that you know. They aren't in the right setting and by the time you recognise them, the moment's passed and they've gone. It happened to me yesterday in Tesco when I saw someone I know.

Well I'd ignore her too if she wants to play that game.

That's understandable. I hate confrontation too, and go to great lengths to avoid it. Maybe an indirect response would get your message across, but without confrontation.

The next time you need to look after DSD, or pick her up, or do anything remotely helpful... don't do it. You don't have to refuse outright, but "unfortunately" something else will have "already been arranged" that you can't get out of, or you'll be so busy you just "forgot" . Oops :) Just think up something in advance and you're good to go. That way either DP will have to step up and do it, or the ex will have to sort it out herself. Message received, no confrontation needed.

@monkeymoon I've just made myself less available to her for help. I was starting to feel like she thought I was her au pair! I was an easy back up for her, now she needs to organise herself better and I must say, she asks me less these days as I don't think she can depend on me like she use to. If she asks for help, just politely reply in as few words as possible that you can't. You don't ever need to give a reason, you don't need to explain yourself.

We live in a small town so we do cross paths a bit, I'm a lot more distant with her but not rude. I would always greet her but realised that it was always me who initiated the greeting. I now leave it for her to do sometimes.

Totally relate to this!

I used to be very polite to DPs ExW. I did her favours sometimes too, on top of having her kids every weekend.

Now she completely ignores me. The first time I was so shocked and upset I could not believe it.

The next time she glared at me, and youngest DSD was with her and did not even look at me. I had spent the whole of the weekend before with said DSD, cooked her dinners, and taken her to the cinema. I had no idea why they ignored me, but it is resentment in some form. But it’s awful isn’t it! So rude, and so passive aggressive!

I’ve realised this is why my DSDs are distant and I know now that anything good I’ve done as SM has been undermined. So I now do ZERO, absolutely nothing.

Some women OP will always see us SMs as the enemy. The enemy of the hold they want/have on DP and will happily poison their kids too. They are just bitter and selfish. If your relationship is solid and your DP sticks up for you, it’ll be okay. Mine did not and I could not enforce good boundaries if DP was being friendly with Ex whilst she was ignoring me.

I know I need to put those boundaries in place, thanks for the advice. Usually if I'm unable to help she'll say "it's not me your helping it's your DSD" making me feel really guilty.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 that's awful of her, it seems we are glorified baby sitters at times. I have a great DH who is very supportive and he will stand up to her, they don't have a great relationship so unfortunately I have ended up being a buffer between them

I think unless there is a good reason for her blanking you (eg you’re not a nice person), then she’s so rude! It probably makes you feel like why do you bother making the effort.

I’m on the other side where I blank the ex if I see her. I would say a hello through gritted teeth if she couldn’t be avoided, but if I see her out and about I always try to make sure we don’t end up talking eg walking on the other side of the road, pretending I haven’t seen her, pretending I’m on my phone etc... I used to be a lot more friendly with her but she’s been very difficult over the past year so I can’t be bothered with her.

Usually if I'm unable to help she'll say "it's not me your helping it's your DSD"

Her child is not your responsibility, so you are helping her.

Stop feeling guilty. Practice these few lines.

"I've already got plans"
"it's not convenient"
"I have a prior commitment"

Does she call or text you? If she calls, don't pick up her calls. When she texts, use one of the replies above.

Stop being so nice, because people like her take advantage.

Well I’d stop being that buffer and protect yourself OP. So glad your DP sees this. And thanks for acknowledging my situation too, honestly just hearing you say it’s horrible means a lot! In real life everyone I know including DP look at me as if I’m the one stirring trouble. It’s awful.

@sisterlove that is very true. WE as SMs are doing both parents a favour, always. I had this too, once I was ill and couldn’t look after DSD for two weeks, so her mother DID ME A FAVOUR (in her and DPs words) and looked after her DD.

Unbelievable!