Involving ex wife?

[Anuta77]

Hello ladies,
I wrote recently about my SD (11) who's very involved in my baby (11 months). Ex: she says that he's her baby, not mine; she runs to him before me if she thinks there's a problem; she tells me what to do about him, etc.

She's very close to her mother and of course, she wants to "share" the baby with her.

We didn't get along very well with her mother at the beginning, but after that, she made efforts to be nice. In reality, we almost never interact, all the communication is through my husband. She makes efforts to have a great relationship with him and even calls herself his family.

I tried to adapt to this and went to her place a couple of times when the baby was 4 months old to please SD so she can interact with the baby more (she normally comes every other weekend). Well, I didn't feel comfortable there, because the ex wife would just take my baby without asking me and just go talk to her friend with him under her arm, take pictures with him when I wasn't watching and send them to my husband (what made her think that he needs pictures of our baby with her???), put her hands in his mouth to see his teeth, tell my baby, in front of me: "J, why didn't you take your father's clear eyes".... All this without trying to at least make small talk with me to be polite. I found this unpleasant, but never said anything, I simply didn't go back there in months. So as far as ex wife is concerned, there's no problem between us I would think.

Well, SD whines that she wants her mother to see the baby and get to know him. She tells her all the things that happened to him during her stay and always tries to snap another picture to send to her. My husband already shows pictures and videos of him when he visits and I find even that unnecessary.

I told her that people don't just "show" their children. Adults who have good relationships simply interact and if children are there, they get to know them. She says that her mother is too busy (her mother's bf lives 20 min away from us and she's with him quiet often) and insists. I don't know what to reply. Her mother always pretends to be extra nice with certain people, so it's me who's not nice if I refuse.

What would you do in this case? ignore? explain? please her?

No. You don’t need to share , or show , baby to ex wife
Your SD is being very inappropriate still.
She’s 11 not 4 !

Absolutely do not give in, just explain you don't do that with babies and don't entertain anymore nonsense

Ignore it; you don’t have to explain yourself. DSDs mum rarely sees DD and I don’t see an issue with that.

I'm familiar with your other post & tbh this post puts a different slant on the whole issue.
No, No & No again regarding the exw. The way she is behaving is totally out of line & if I were you I would in no way be allowing her to be involved - it really is NONE of her business (and I speak as a dm who's kids have two younger half siblings on their dad's side).
Your dsd really needs the new dynamic & family boundaries explained to her as it sounds like she's taking ownership of your baby on behalf of, & encouraged by, her dm.
You got lots of great advice on your last thread but I would also suggest that your dp needs to have very frank conversations with both his ex & his dd. And, if he is indeed encouraging this behaviour from both of them then you & he need to first have the frank conversation.
There are plenty of women on here who will tell you that that level of contact from an ex will only worsen over time. Nip it in the bud now.

Well, SD whines that she wants her mother to see the baby and get to know him.

Well it’s tough shit isn’t it.

Her mum sounds over involved and should keep her beak out.

Just say no sorry sweetie, the baby loves you as your his sister and he wants to spend his time with you and us.
It's really that simple.
I get it btw , no way on earth would I let my partners ex touch my newborn let alone do things you have said. You also need to say no to his ex and explain firmly to your partner that it is a firm no always and he needs to manage that.

In my opinion the ex shouldn’t have anything to do with your child at all! Even if that means being quite firm in your responses to your SD, boundaries need setting and you should never feel you have to be in any situation with your child that you’re uncomfortable with

I can understand her desire to knit together all the parts of her family but that doesn’t make it appropriate. No need to pander to her desire to have her Mum get to know the child.

What does your husband think about this ?

Ex is weird !

My DCs were desperate for me to meet there new sibling - they wanted me to know what they were like. I was well aware that the mother would go bonkers and say know.

As life has its swings and roundabouts - I have now met, looked after and have a very good relationship with my DCS sibling - not sure what you call that relationship.

I treat them like a cousin of the DCs but it does take time - and I at no point forced it, asked for it or expected it.

Not sure that helps your situation but I do understand your SDDs behaviour.

Your SD is quite strange. The answer is No. Get your OH to talk to her and put an end to it.

It's nice she loves the baby...but this is a step too far.

She sounds as strange as her mum.

Don't involve her

Your baby isn't a toy.

This is so unnerving and disturbing to read. The ex wife should have next to NOTHING to do with the baby. Her interest is purely for selfish reasons it’s not as though she wants the best for the baby or anything. She sounds unhinged. And as for the daughter, she is the baby’s sister NOT mother. I thought jealousy of the baby would manifest itself in a different way but I guess every child is different. I’m surprised by the way she is carrying on, especially as she has no younger full siblings. My partners eldest acts almost IDENTICALLY to what you have put here, but with her own young brother. Her father just about says something but obviously I can’t really say anything at all. It’s not right though. She should be a child having carefree fun not a mini mother with responsibilities, I think she is left in charge of his care ALOT at the mothers though. This is always how I’ve thought she would act if we ever had kids of our own which is one of the reasons why we won’t. But yeah definitely don’t involve the ex as you don’t owe her that, and you have been insanely good to the daughter about it all, so kudos. It’s not irreparable, she is obviously just massively insecure about her place in the family like others have said. Just spin it like “I know you love doing things for the baby and we all appreciate it but you should be having fun yourself too, it isn’t your responsibility to worry about taking care of the baby, that’s mine and your fathers”. That’s how I try to play it to dsd after she tried to teach the baby to swim and almost drowned him.

Thank you ladies.
Well, my husband sees nothing wrong with that. He says that the ex is a good person, he enjoys interacting with her, her son from the previous relationship, her new boyfriend and his daughter and during his interactions he shows pictures or she asks for them. And the daughter who loves the baby and her mother wants her mom to know him. So he will not nip it in the bud, I guess it's me who has to either explain to her that I'm not comfortable or just find excuses as to why it's not possible.

Keep finding excuses and hopefully she'll get fed up.

I wonder how your husband would like an Ex of yours wanting to be involved with your baby like that.

I'd agree that it's a good idea to keep reminding your DD she's a child and her sibling is not her responsibility and she should spend time with her friends.

Maybe give her little jobs like finding something you need for the baby online.

Or when you've decided which of two pairs of booties/shoes/outfits you like...ask her to choose which one she wants.

Whichever she chooses doesn't matter, because you'll like the both of them. It just makes her feel more involved.

Another thing to say...in the nicest possible way...is mums (parents) decide what they want for their babies and who sees their child ...when she's a mum she can make those decisions for her baby.

Yuk this is horrible OP. Your Ex and SD are being suffocating and dominant. Get them off your baby. Be assertive and clear. You are the Mum. Your DP isn’t sticking up for you, make him. Throw a strop if need be.

My DPs Ex and my DSDs are also very dominating and would happily throw me to one side to fawn over my son. It makes my skin crawl. I try and make sure they spend as little time with them as possible.

I remember your last thread. Bloody weird ex your DP has there.

She sounds as strange as her mum

This.

Say no no and no again. Your child is nothing whatsoever to do with his ex, just as any further children she has are nothing to do with him.

Your DP isn't doing your SD any favours.

Ridiculous.

Thank you everybody. I needed other people's opinions to confirm my feelings. I've been feeling bad here and there since my baby was born, because of the exes (my husband has 2 ex wives, both "feeling close" to him) and they did a good job to make me look bad, as I'm a very straight forward person and they pretended to be my victims. I will have to thread carefully as to not to appear mean. SD can be very sweet, I used to feel so lucky to have her and I hope things could go back to being good.

My DS has a little brother. I politely look at photos and videos. I show concern when he is ill. I have never met the kid and doubt I will bar weddings, birthday parties etc. It's not normal to be so interested in your ex's new child.

@Iscreamforbenandjerrys Is it your ex who shows you pictures or DS?
My husband says that the ex wife comes to see pictures and videos herself when he shows them to his daughter and some other times, asks for them and about the baby. He also says that he shows her pictures himself when she asks. So that gives the SD the feelings that they are all close and feeds her desire for her mother to get to know him in person.

My Ex (who I get on with very well) is in a relationship. If they had a baby, I’d like a sneak peek at a photo because babies are cute AF But that’s as far as I’d go, unless invited otherwise! And I get along with his partner very well too.

When I had my new baby, Ex (single at the time, I was also single as ExH had left me and didn’t want to be involved) was one of the first to visit as he bought our DDs to the hospital. He buys her birthday/Christmas presents and little bits through the year if he sees something he thinks she’d like (now a pre schooler). Plays and interacts with her when doing pick up/drop off, and when we take our DDs out for their birthdays. (Again, probably a bit weird for most people, it’s just something we’ve always done as we feel it’s important they see us able to maintain friendship).

Despite all the above, I wouldn’t fucking dream of asking any of the above, and were it my DDs, I’d be having firm words with them about boundaries, particularly if I didn’t have a great relationship with their Step mother. Lots of ‘yes the baby is your family, but it’s also Daddy’s side of the family and not my side of the family’ or something similar.

I think your OH needs to step up here and deal with this.

my husband has 2 ex wives, both "feeling close" to him) and they did a good job to make me look bad, as I'm a very straight forward person and they pretended to be my victims. I will have to thread carefully as to not to appear mean.

I relate to this. I am also straightforward, ie not manipulative!

I don’t know if trying to be mean is good. I did this, I still do. As I get slated if I in any way am negative about steps, but we have done nothing wrong. We need to just protect our baby and ourselves from being dominated. The domination is territorial, it’s exes and daughters (ie other significant women in our DPs lives) staking their claim.

Your OH like mine probably quite likes the attention in a way, and has nurtured these lack of boundaries.

I had enough and can’t wait to get out of it! There comes a point where we need the space to be our own family, not some weird version of someone else’s.

@Bananasinpyjamas11: You're right about the territoriality. They feel it and we feel it. I'm never asked to do anything about SD, once she's in my house, it's assumed that I take care of her. She's not little anymore, but still. If there's anything extra that she needs (ex. applying lice treatment, which DH has never done), the ex never asks me to do it, it's all between DH and her. I still end up doing it to help DH...It's her right and I'm fine with it. But that keeps SD somewhat inside "their" family, but somehow my baby is kind of a "public" child.

Today, we have a visit from a 15 y old step son (from the 1st ex wife) who comes once every 2 months. He calls the baby "my son" and tells me that I just want to keep the baby for me, but the baby wants to be with him. I don't have to take it seriously, but I just find it so strange and irritating.

In my case, both exes and SD are soft, not agressive at all and they make DH feel good and welcome in their houses. And yes, I do think that he enjoys the attention. I told him that if we separate, I'll behave the same way as his exes, we are all going to be one big family and let's see if his new woman will like a man with 3 close exes.

But I also know that if we separate, he will be bringing our son often to the exes' houses (to combine his trips to visit the kids) and the invasive exes will be able to do whatever they want with him (they were like that with my bio son from first relationship). For the first time in my life, I have to learn to be a bit more manipulative and I hate it.

That’s so true Anuta. I’m never ever asked to do anything with my DSDs either. Ex only talks to DP, and also talks about my son. As if it’s all part of their unit, which I am outside of. Very unhealthy dynamics!

I can’t believe your DSS says the baby wants it be with him. That’s quite threatening! It’s rude, irritating and undermining.

In fact once when I finally stood up to the Ex and asked her to at least tell me when sending her daughters to my house, unannounced, when DP was at work, she went mad! Said that this was their house, they didn’t even need looking after etc.

It was all because she refused to acknowledge me. DP was still her family. And his child was also.

It’s seriously creepy and we must be on guard! I’m splitting up with DP because of all this nonsense, and have no intention of fostering relationships between my son and his half sisters anymore. They are way too grabby!

I do know what you mean, though, about losing control when separated. My DP suggested he have our son for a week at a time when we split. I questioned him closely as he had no intention of taking time off work. I asked who was going to look after our son? I knew full well he’d take his exes advice, let eldest DSD look after him (which means hanging around her Mums house). So basically he would have handed OUR child over to his Ex for a week at a time!

I’ve told him no way am I happy about his family looking after our son.

For the first time in my life, I have to learn to be a bit more manipulative and I hate it.
This, it’s horrible but the alternative is worse!

Have you got family? Friends? I’ve started to lean towards mine more. And will be moving back nearer my family when we sort out the house. I would have stayed in this area but the animosity and dominance of his family will be toxic for my relationship with our son. Shame really. DP is very sad about it all, but lacks the strength to put me first, or even second...!

OP - this is so weird, you are navigating a minefield. Kudos for being kind re DSD.

I'm exDH's 2nd wife, he's now on number 3. I think she's a keeper though as they are very well suited and she adores him.

I like my exDH but am well aware that it is his wife who will have a lot of access to my DC and the better she feels about me the better she will feel about my DC.

I invite them to family things which they attend but I make an effort to speak to her a lot when they attend rather than him.

I can understand her desire to knit together all the parts of her family but that doesn’t make it appropriate. No need to pander to her desire to have her Mum get to know the child.*

This. It sounds like you are being very kind and accommodating with this little girl - if her mum and dad are acting like you’re all one big happy family, it’s not her fault she’s going along with it, it’s been set as her normal by the adults in her life.

Just as there are blokes whose exes are all coincidentally evil psycho witches out to get them, there are also blokes who like to be overly pally pally with their exes - almost like they enjoy this fantasy of themselves as having this little harem, sometimes playing them off against each other (oddly this relaxed laid back mature attitude to ex partners never applies to the exes or male friends of the women in question). I know when you have a newborn it’s easy to second guess yourself and wonder if you’re being hormonal or possessive of the baby but you are absolutely correct and justified in settig boundaries here and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. As long as you are kind and careful with the feelings of the little girl in all this (and it sounds like you are) you’re perfectly entitled to put your foot down with the adults in this scenario, although how you would do that without suddenly appearing to be the unreasonable one is anyone’s guess.