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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do we tell them or should she?

18 replies

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 11:50

Hi everyone. Im new to Mumsnet but really need some advice. We have been having major issues with my partners ex regarding her contact of the children. (In a nutshell we have a court order to state the children will live with us full time and see her when we feel it's appropriate. She wanted them at weekends but because she didn't turn up at court the judge said she has no say) Anyway in the 2 years I've been with my partner she has had 4 new partners, 3 of which she has been engaged to. The new partner has a child in foster care and won't disclose to us why apart from shes not allowed to be around children on her own. This caused us major worries and we said my partners ex could only see the children if this new woman was not around. My partners ex refused and so hasn't seen the children. We have explained our reasons to the children (theyre 10 and 15) and they do seem to understand. After a month they were engaged and then after weeks of abuse she went completely silent and bearing in mind it's the school holidays hasn't asked the see the kids once which we thought was strange. Last night we found out why...a mutual friend let us know my partners ex and her new partner are expecting a baby together. The sperm was donated by someone they didn't know on Facebook and it's just thrown us both off course. The kids are holidaying with nanny and now we have this massive thing to let them know which has got us both down. We asked their mum if she was going to tell them and she just told us it was none of their business. Do we tell them or hope she will see sense and explain to them? It's a very complicated situation and it breaks my heart that she won't see them but is happy to just have a new baby. How do you explain to a child that this woman isn't supposed to be around children yet is having another one? Any advice really would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Pondering1 · 17/08/2018 11:53

Is she carrying the baby or her partner? I ask as if it is not her, this new relationship could be as fleeting as the others and the baby may not be in your kids lives for long?

Pondering1 · 17/08/2018 11:54

(I'm assuming she is in a same sex relationship if I have read your post right!)

Clairetree1 · 17/08/2018 11:57

Is there mum having a baby? I wouldn't agree that that is a "massive" thing, its just a thing.

Is the mum's partner having a baby? not even a thing.

You are overthinking it

Bezm · 17/08/2018 12:00

First of all, if the other woman has children that she is not allow to see without supervision, that is a big concern for your children. You need to call social services about this and ask for advice. They may not be aware of the relationship but will advise you about your own children.
Regarding the pregnancy, I would say that if you are honest with your children upfront that will be more supportive for them than them finding out for themselves. Again, SS need to know about the baby.

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 12:05

No it's their mum carrying the baby so half brother or sister. So definitely a long term thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 12:08

ClaireTree1 yeah I worry maybe I am. I think it's just because she was engaged to a woman in February and then has been with this new lady since march. Just a lot of change in a short amount of time. Thanks for your opinion though :)

OP posts:

Allthatsnot · 17/08/2018 12:09

I wouldn't say anything to the children yet. If this lady has had previous children taken away from her it is unlikely she will keep this one. If its the ex carrying the baby she may not get to keep it if SS find out she is in the relationship. Agree with above you need to find out if there is any safeguarding issues regarding your SC and that means contacting SS. I'd wait and see where you stand with that before you tell them.

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 12:10

Thanks Bezm. Yeah this was one of my concerns too. What kind of information would we need to provide. To be honest we don't know much more about this woman.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 17/08/2018 12:11

Tell them, they will be hurt by this, as it feels like they have been replaced, and yes they will see it this way...
Do it when you are both on hand to talk them through any thoughts they may have, and be prepared for them going off together to chat in their rooms...
Good luck...

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 12:12

Thanks Allthatsnot. I think maybe that is the best route to start with. Does anyone know if we can find out why this woman isn't allowed around children?

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Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 12:14

Thanks Mummy2017. I really don't think that their mum will say anyway so I think it will probably be down to us. Which I think we would actually prefer. DSS will probably be quite excited to be honest my main concern is DSD as she is older and understands a bit more. Hopefully we can all support each other.

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mummmy2017 · 17/08/2018 12:17

If someone spoke to you about their mum. I bet it won't be long till someone says something to the teenager.

Talk to the children, so you manage how they find out.
Mine is 16, found out loads this year she knew about that I though had been kept from her.

abbsisspartacus · 17/08/2018 12:22

Ring social services and tell them your concerns they can't tell you why but they can usually give you a strong hint as to whether keeping the children away is appropriate

For example my ex is with a lass who has had all her kids removed and is allowed supervised contact with her youngest two occasionally he refused to tell me why I called in telling them I was UNCOMFORTABLE with the situation and lack of info and I was refusing contact around her ( he had to take them elsewhere) was this the right way to go? they told me yes that I was safeguarding my children and they would support me if he kicked off I then found out the reasons from her and my kids are going nowhere near her ever if I have anything to do with it!

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 15:02

Mummy2017 yeah you are definitely right we would hate for her to find out in passing. Her mum doesn't message her or anything but we are just worried she might break that trend and send her a scan pic or something while she's on holiday.

absisspartacus oh god what a horrible situation for you to be in! It sounds like ss really helped you out well done for following your instincts! I think the not knowing makes it worse for us but gut instinct is children don't always go into long term foster care for little things. If the kids are excited about the baby that's fine but will be so horrible if they make that bond and it gets taken away. As horrible as it is to say though from past experience with their mum I'm not sure they'll see or hear from her now. If she had her way she would turn up with the baby and yell surprise! 🙈

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Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/08/2018 15:08

You really need to be honest with the children. That will go a long way. It won’t hurt them. Yes they may be upset about the arrival of another child but they won’t be hurt by your actions, at least.

Please contact SS ASAP to notify them of the pregnancy. They will then have to carry out an assessment.

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 16:17

Definitely going to call SS and go from there. :)

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youarenotkiddingme · 17/08/2018 16:57

That's a wise move.

You can ring and just say you're asking advice as you've heard that XP fiancé may have a child who's in care and you need to know what the advice is re DSC.

They may or may not be able to tell you about their mums partners children - but they can advise about yours.
They may or may not follow up with X and her DP over their pregnancy but that's not your remit.

I wouldn't mention their Mum being pregnant and until you have solid knowledge tbh. But I get if they find it and know you knew that may not be a great situation.

Original poster

Ava1988 · 17/08/2018 20:39

Yeah we definitely want to get advice from SS re our two so think that is what we are going to do and see what they say about this new addition. Thanks everyone you've all be mega helpful!

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