Childless stepmom torn

[childlessstepmom]

I have been with SO for 1 year. Have built great relationship with 8yr SD for last 7 months, but can't shake the feeling of being an outsider and being (wrongly) envious that he has already experienced the joys of having a child and I haven't. On top of that, we struggle to spend good quality time just us two as when he doesn't have SD he works shifts. We barely have a weekend day/night completely to ourselves. I love him, but struggling. Is this normal? I feel we get rubbish time just us two, and when we are with SD I feel like I don't quite belong. We want children together, but I worry i will resent he's already been through the exciting experience and it won't be as special for him

Hi @childlessstepmom - I feel your pain.
People will tell you it's what you let yourself in for when you get together with a man with kids but you can't really tell that until you're in it!
My situation is somewhat similar to yours in I have three (teens & a young adult) & dp has three (all teens).
Dp's kids & exw life in a different town (1/12 hr drive away & no public transport between the two towns) & dp travels with work. Out of the past 26 days I have seen him 3 full days, 1 evening alone & 2 evenings with kids!
I am beyond frustrated with the situation as is he. We have gone round and round in circles trying to find a solution to this but can find none.
We've been together over three years & had plans to get married later this year. That's now been put on hold as we've started counseling with the hope of getting a third party to maybe see solutions that we can't. We've only had one session but she's already said to us that no relationship will survive like this unless radical changes are made.
I don't see his kids regularly due to many factors but mainly geography & to be honest it's been nigh on impossible to bond with them for this very reason & I am a complete outsider when he's with them. We get on fine but if I'm honest I'm more bonded with my kids friends than with my partner's kids & that's sad. I'm the rp for my kids so me traveling with dp to see his has never been a runner as I can't drag my teens away from their lives & my 21 yo is always coming and going depending on his uni schedule.
Going forward I think you need to ask yourself 2 things.

1. Can you and your dp survive the lack of physical contact &/or alone time?
2. Can you cope with feeling like an outsider? Blending, with or without your own dc takes a lot of time & patience & one of the hardest aspects of it is realizing you'll never have the traditional family unit & that it will never be just you & your dp - there will always be an exw &/or an exh on the perimeters of your relationship.

You'll have certain people tell you that actual parents don't get child free time so why should you, you knew what you were getting into blah blah. But they completely overlook the fact that a) actual parents would have had at least 9 months together as a couple child-free (usually longer of course) and b) they're not your children so it's not comparable to sharing your house and life with your own kids.

Sorry but I think this relationship has pain written all over it voice of bitter experience. Being a step parent isn't for everyone and even if it is, it has to be the right set of circumstances. It's great that your OH sees his DD lots but I would question whether he has the time or the emotional energy to be in a serious relationship with anyone.

Magda72 wow and I thought I had it hard! Sounds like you have a very tough road to go down, I couldn't cope not seeing my SO that much. We spend a lot of time together however it's the quality of time. When it's 'our time' he's either just worked 12 hours so is shattered, or the SD is with us. I feel for you that you haven't been able to build that relationship with your partners children. Hopefully a counsellor will help you to work through the issues.
ACatsNoHelpWithThat it's hard to talk to people who haven't been through it you're right. I don't know anyone else in my situation. I feel like I should feel lucky because my SD is amazing and taken really well to me, but I can't help but feel left out. His ExW works normal 9-5 so when she hasn't got her daughter, she's free to socialise. However when my partner doesn't have her, he works. He knows how I feel about this, and he tries his best to see me, but I miss having a whole weekend with my SO without feeling we have to rush to be back for her, or having to find a babysitter. Also, I know I would have a different parenting style to him, but the fact he's already 'been there done that' and has an established parenting style and we haven't muddled through it all together as first time parents, I worry this will be difficult.
I should feel blessed. My SO is loving and romantic and loves me and I him. I just wish he either didn't work shifts and had more time to have quality time with me, or didn't have a kid. How awful that I think that

If these things are important to you, move on and find someone without children. Don't bring another child into the relationship as this will push his existing family further away and cause distress to all.

@thethoughtfox thank you. Does this come from experience?

My husband and I are shiftworkers and have been together since his 8yo daughter was 18 months old. We probably had about 4 evenings together alone before getting married! We just used to grab any time together that we could. When she was in nursery/school we'd have a coffee or walk around town, and we'd usually do the school run together just to spend a bit more time with each other.

Obviously I really liked my husband as I ended up marrying him and we now have two children together (and now we REALLY don't have time together!) but it's been really fucking hard work. I've never spoken to anyone about it in really life as I just cracked on but there have been many times when I felt it wasn't worth it. You really have to be committed to your other half or it just won't work.

Are you living together? How likely is he to remain a shiftworker "forever"?

@Unihorn he will always be a shift worker yes, and I used to work shifts so I appreciate he is limited to what he can do. But I've said from the start how much the lack of decent time just us two is affecting me. And he understands that. We are looking at moving in together soon, which his daughter is really excited about, and generally I think it will be fine. What bothers me more is the lack of time together (I envy the couples who can just go out for dinner and have a lazy Sunday day with not a care in the world, which we never get) and I am sad we won't share together the 'first moments' as he's already done it. And how do I even bring this up with him without looking like a terrible person? He can't change the fact he has a daughter! And he will always work shifts. I love him so it's very hard. Do I stay and work hard at it or do I leave now and try to find someone with no children. I am 33 by the way

To me, most difficult time being a childless SM is, if I had a row with my DH when the kids are around, he could just turn around and spend times with the kids, which does make me feel "excluded" and sometimes resentful towards the kids.

I understand that it's nothing to do with the kids and I need to "control my chimp", but I think that's one feeling I won't need to deal with if I am with a man with no children or I have my own children.

Living together definitely helps increase your time together if that helps.

As for first moments, it is difficult. When I was pregnant with my first child I didn't find myself getting particularly wound up about it to be honest because it was still new and exciting to me, and every pregnancy and child is difficult anyway so it will still be a new experience for both of you together.

I'm not sure what I can suggest practically to you as it's a very personal thing. The situation will never change so it's up to you to decide whether you can live with it comfortably.

Completely understandable that you feel the way you do but it also isn't possible to change the reality.

It's completely right that a father is spending the vast majority of his spare time with his child. The only thing you can do is decide whether you are prepared to deal with it.

I would second what @Unihorn says - the situation won't change so really it's up to you to decide if you can live with that but it's bloody hard.
However, I will say that your dp is entitled to some child free/work free time. Is ex gets that so he should too. Do you guys ever get a weekend or night/morning to yourselves?
For the record you don't sound horrible at all & your frustrations are totally understandable.

@Magda72 @Unihorn thank you, and everyone else who has responded. It's a lonely place and I'm so confused about how I should be feeling.
@Magda72 yes he should have time with no child/work, but essentially he doesn't. He is a fantastic dad and works very hard. We have lots of nights together but it's generally when he gets in from his shift at about 7.30pm and he's so tired. Very rarely would we get a whole night/day together without work or his child

His daughter isn’t going anywhere and rightly so. He is a man with a child and he sounds like a hardworking and dedicated father from what you’ve written. If this is not what you’re want, walk away and find someone else without kids. Being a step-mother can be incredibly rewarding but it certainly is not for everyone and takes a lot of sacrifice and compromising. Be honest with yourself about what you want and leave if this isn’t it.

Well I'm personally if the opinion that in divorce/separation situations BOTH parents are entitled to child free time (in fact it should be like that in any family set up).
Shift work is particularly hard in this set up as a parent can be free when the child isn't. However that doesn't mean that a shift working parent should spend every minute that the child is free with them. That only causes burn out and it's something I see in my own dp who is stretched to the limit with running a business, being with his kids & trying to maintain a relationship - & in our situation it's the relationship that is suffering because I just step back.
Divorced/separated parents needing downtime & wanting healthy adult relationships is far too often judged as selfish which is just very unfair.

The thing is op he does have a kid. It sounds like you do actually have plenty of child free time it's just that he's working during the day. That's life with a child and it's not going to change. For reference I'm a resident parent, I get two nights per week to myself but I'm working all day the next day after both nights. I push myself to have a life anyway. You can't change the circumstances of his life before you met him and it would be extremely wrong to ask him to see less of his DC so basically it's a choice between leaving your relationship or accepting what you have which is a great deal more than many.

My DH was married before and I have 2 SC's. I was concerned that if we had a child (we did) then it wouldn't be the same experience for him as it would for me and it wouldn't be the same shared experience. Well, I was right.
It's not an easy road ahead. I am still with DH after nearly 15 years, so obviously it's not all bad!
Think hard about how you see your life ahead. This may work out, but be realistic.

OP, just from seeing friends and family and mostly from what I read on here. People don't talk about this but you can't expect to automatically love a child like your own and put up will all the negative aspects of having a child if it's not your own. If people do, that is a wonderful reflection on them. But if people feel this way from the beginning, it mostly gets worse when the hormones and protective instincts when you become pregnant yourself kick in: you may resent even more your partner's time, attention and resources being diverted away from your child and you may become more distant from his children yourself. You may not though. Check out other threads by new mum or pregnant step mums who feel terrible that they resent their step children. I know I couldn't be a stepmum and also that if my marriage breaks down, I will not share my child's home with another man.But lots of people are different and can open their hearts and homes and make it all work. I admire them.

I'm a mum of 3 and each pregnancy is special and different.

I think that if you have a child with him, incompatible parenting will be a serious problem. There are a million threads where SC and Resident Children have different rules and the annoyance that it creates.

There's also loads of threads about Dads not wanting to go anywhere (like on holiday) without the stepchild. How would you feel if you never went out as a family without your step dd?

If he hasn't got time for you now, would he have time for another child? I realize that shift workers have kids but I imagine that their other halves have to go out or make sure that the kids are quiet while they sleep.

@Beamur I'm intrigued about your experience, especially when you elude that your instincts were right about when you had a baby and how it's different when your SO already has children and experienced all the things that you hadn't yet experienced yourself. How did the parenting work with the new child?

I did resent the fact that my 'shiny new' experience was his third! 3rd baby, 3rd cesearian even! DP (as he was then) was actually rubbish with babies, much to my surprise as he's generally a very hands on parent. There was much resentment on my part for several years.
But, DH and his ex had a very amicable and mature split, my SC's are good kids (adults now) and the blended family were very accepting of our new DD. All of this made for a much more harmonious situation.
I think becoming a parent made me a kinder SM too.
You don't have to treat all kids exactly the same, but you have to be sensitive and thoughtful.
Would I do it all again if I knew exactly what I was in for? I don't know, but I do love DH and DD is my world and without this situation I wouldn't have her.

My DH is a great dad to our child. He has been a great dad to his DD too but she was an absolute nightmare teenager and it tainted my experience as a new mother...SD was living with us full time and was set on splitting us up. She didn't accept the new sibling and dads attention not on her and her DMs drama easily.
I regret not waiting for her to be older...I regret taking her in full time at such a difficult time..
It annoys me on occasions that some of her family feel the need to overcompensate and when my DS does something new or exciting talk turnes to what SD was like at that age..it's like he can't just get the full attention when she is around..she gets plenty of full attention though...

With all that said she is much better now..she tries to have a relationship with her DB and I see and appreciate it..she tries to help a lot nowdays too..she is still so yong herself and I developed compassion towards her and maybe even love..I care...

It'a hard..sometimes I think I could have had a child with somebody childless and there would be so much less drama...but then you never really know, it seems like there is always something and life and relationships just aren't perfect...it really depends if your OH is so amazing that the benefits outweigh the baggage..

I'm hoping that in the future DS will benefit from having an older sister..

Also OP..you say you are envious of him already experiancing the joy of having a child--don't be!! It's HARD! I remamber feeling somehow similar but after I had DS I was so pissed of at DH for talking and making parenthood out to be this amazing thing...I haven't slept for months and thought he was lying to me about it all..:)
Enjoy being child free OP!!! He is probably envious of you not having the responsibilities!

I’m presuming your OH is the NRP? The child lives with mum? If so why don’t you get any time along?

It’s upto you to make time as a couple.

I’m a SM to 2 kids. My OH has the kids EOW & half holidays (would live to have them more but the mum won’t ‘allow’ it). That’s another story....

So we have in effect 12 nights a fortnight together in our own. You need to make time for each other. It’s easy for life to get in the way. I’ve been with my OH 4 years and we have ‘date night’ once a week - we take it in turns to organise something.

I don’t have kids of my own (and we won’t have kids together - that ship has well sailed). I met the kids 7 months after we started dating and we moved in together a year ago. I would stay it took me 2 years of knowing the kids to not feel like an ‘outsider’. It is difficult, they are a family unit with lots of shared memories and you’re not part of that. But give it time, it does get better.

Me & my OH do argue about the kids (at times I feel he’s a bit of a ‘Disney Dad’ as he’s terrified the kids won’t come or mum will stop them coming). But it’s only trivial stuff. He’s a great dad and I respect him so much for fighting his EW (extremely bitter & vitriolic over their divorce) to see the kids.

My biggest challenge has been the EW - 6 years post divorce she’s still bitter and difficult. My OH deals with her and I now don’t give her any space in my head.

Good luck.

I've been here OP and all the same thoughts as you.

I've come to learn that all pregnancies are different in their own way. Myself and my DP struggled TTC. He already has 2 children from a previous relationship but we went through so many things TTC that he'd never experienced before (even if it was heartbreak). It made our experience unique to us as a couple and I really believe now that all pregnancies are like this. Unique to the people involved.

Try not to torment yourself too much. I went through so many utterly awful stages of doing this. Telling myself he couldn't possibly love me as much as he had his ex because she was the mother of his kids etc... In the end DP told me off and told me I needed to stop romanticising him having a child with his ex like something out of the movies. Yes he has children with her and he loved her then but he doesn't now, he wants her to be well for the sake of his children but that is the extent of it. In fact I know he'd happily never converse with her again if he could!

Try to enjoy your SC and the bond you have with them. Being around children can really bring a lot of happiness if you don't think too much into other things.

When your time comes to have your own with your DP it will be new for you and not for him but it will certainly be unique to you as a couple

NorthernSpirit
My husband has his daughter 2-3 nights a week depending on shift patterns so if the OP is in the same boat as me then there is no time together. He has his daughter on any day off.

@Unihorn - don’t want to be padanyic, but..... if you / your OH (and let’s say the OP) has his daughter 2/3 nights a week and you say you have no time together.

What happenes on the 5/4 nights you don’t have the kid? Why can’t you make time together in those nights?

It’s all too easy saying we don’t have time (a bit like people who say they don’t have time to go to the gym but then sit watching hours if TV). Life gets in the way, you have to make time.