DSS happy to doss

[Restorergirl]

What do we do with a 17 year old who has left school (miserable GCSE results, no passes) and only wants to doss around at home???? Shows no inclination to go to college, or to find and get a job, or to get an apprenticeship whatsoever. Had a job, which was very well paid and lasted 6 days - saying it was too much ......er, work!!!!!! Mum wants to get a job, so that she can get some cash from him (for his keep), but dad wants to do any of the options above (college, apprenticeship,job whatever) and is getting depressed at the mess and carnage that is making around the place. Dossing at home is not the answer, but there isn't any interest in doing anything else. Refuses to help me with household chores and flies into a temper if I ask for help/imput for the smallest of jobs, like feeding the cat for instance. I am seriously nearing my fourth breakdown over his treatment of me generally. OH can't face the aggrevation of rows and bad atmospheres at home. We can take the horse to water, but we can't make it drink........................... Our house is such an unhappy house it's making us both depressed, other than having such a huge row that walks out and goes back to mum's. Then falls out with her and comes back to us, as if nothing's happened. I lie awake at night dreading what's going to happen the following day and have even dreamt of pulling a knife on me, or pushing me down the stairs (I get pushed out of the way passing through doorways as it is). I am at a loss what to do to kick him into touch and go out and 'do' something to improve 's life. Not even bothered about learning to drive or reading Highway Code in preparation for that - can't be bothered. So different to my own 3 children, who were never so agressive during their teenage years and wanted to study and get on in life. I despair and am very unhappy and sad.

I suppose you're at the point where you say, either he finds a job and pulls his weight, or I go!

No, YOU don't have to go - if he is behaving like that in your home, HE will not be welcome much longer. If he refuses to contribute, he is not welcome.

If we don't make him welcome, dad will lose his son. He says we should wait until he grows out of it??????????????????

Well no he's not a 2 year old growing out of the terrible 2's! He's 17 FFS!! He needs to be told to shape up or ship out. You can't keep living like this.

I feel for you. Been there, done that. Unfortunately in this situation it's your DP that has to lay the law down and take a stand, with you backing him up. As long as your DP is willing to put up with it, the situation won't change. Growing some b*lls and sorting it out won't cause him to loose his son, but it will force his son to stop living in LaLa land, join the real world and grow up.

His son is taking advantage of the situation, and hell, why not? Why should he go and get a job/do further study when he can do what he likes, when he likes, all day every day? He's rude and obnoxious, doesn't lift a finger, has everything provided for him and yet everyone still tip toes around him like he's a bomb about to go off. He's not stupid, he's milking the situation. The only people who are suffering are you and your DP, and the longer you keep enabling his behaviour, the worse it's going to get.

You and DP need to sit down and decide between you what stand you will take, together, and stick to it. You need to back each other up, present a united front be strong together. Together, sit him down, tell him your expectations and what the consequences will be if he doesn't and stick to your guns.

Good luck!

OOOhhhh. Consequences eh? Hmmmm. Nothing works and he is not scared or effected by consequences. A couple of years' ago I stopped buying him pots of choc desserts/pots of custard/his favourite yoghurts etc etc due to the way I was being treated and told him so. He isn't bothered at all by this and I still don't buy them anymore. I haven't done his washing for 3 years, made it easier for him by putting a laundry basket in his room for his washing, but he still fills it up to overflowing and doesn't do it unless told to by his dad. I don't care anymore, I used to, but he's killed all the feelings I used to have. Goes to bed skanky and stinking and has only changed his bed linen twice this year - once was when the dog was sick on his sheet and then he just took it off his bed and threw it onto the floor, where it stayed for over 2 weeks. Yes, it's all disgusting and unbearable, but I just don't care. It's the being treated like scum that I can't bear. Partner still adament that it's down to coming from a broken home, being an only child and his teenage years....................crap, crap and more crap. I take his excuses with a pinch of salt and withdraw more and more from his son's life. Our house life is full of stress and me not sleeping for nights on end. We both know he's milking the situation, but partner is at his wits' end as to know what to do. I am willing him to get stronger and stand up to his son much more than he does, but it's not working and then partner has go at me for expecting too much. At 17, I would expect a little more growing up to have happened. He's 17 but acts like a 12 year old.

@Restorergirl

I feel your pain, my partners son (21!) lives with us and I could have written your post!

If he doesn't find a job to pay for his share of the internet, phone etc = no internet, no phone bill paid etc? Would that work?

You cant change this boy's behaviour without your DP on board, and you can't make your DP step up, but you can change your living situation. Tell your DP that you can't cope with living like this any longer and you'll have to move out if it continues (but will remain in a relationship with DP if that what you want). Hopefully this will give your DP the kick up the arse he needs to get tough with his son. But be prepared to follow through if your DP doesn't step up. What are your finances like? Do you rent currently? Can you afford to rent a small place for yourself?

Maybe it's time for some house rules family meeting etc. If he's not going to work then if he wants to stay will have to contribute to the household in other ways .. perhaps the WiFi password is issued once chores are done changed daily etc. Seems he's needs a rocket up his bum otherwise this is just gona get worse. Good luck

I think anyone need to behave on a civilised manner and pushing people around is not that! Your do need to make it clear that at a minimum he should be treating you as he would a taxi driver/ stranger on the street. I'm not sure I have any advice but as a step child I can say that it will most likely come better from his dad rather than his step mum. I also think it might be useful for your dp and his ex partner/ wife to have a chat about how to jointly help him into something and have a joint strategy even if that is you say he has to do something, Jon or college but nothing isn't an option. Can you remove WiFi use/ password not pay mobile phone bill etc (when I was younger my mum threatened to cut the plug off the tv!)

His 'mother' pays his mobile bills. If I have something to ask, I get partner to do it as I just can't take the backlash/looks/excuses/rages any more. We have family meeting after family meeting - since he was 14 and still he won't do anything for me. Getting also that he won't do much for dad either. Dad had words with him this morning and asked him to do a few jobs and clear up his mess outside, but not a lot's been done. He is not interested in helping us, or clearing up his own mess. Dad asked him to put two loads of his own washing on and hang each one on the outside line (as it' nice and sunny). That was yesterday - now..... the washing from yesterday is still hanging on line (dry now) without pegs (just chucked on) and the 2nd load of washing is still in the washing machine. What a waste of a day to get his washing cleared. Now it's raining. Has been asked to do his lawn mowing chores, yesterday, too. Now it's raining and too late. Will be strutting round school tomorrow, showing off and acting the 'big man', to collect his GCSE results. They will be all E's and F's and U's, which they have been all throughout his senior school time. What's to be proud and show off about that????? I find it all deplorable that he's been allowed to be like this. He is allowed to 'doss', as rules in Wales (we live in South Wales) are different to England - school leavers are allowed to 'doss' for the rest of their lives it seems. There is no legal obligation to work/attend college/apprenticeships etc etc. NONE WHATSOEVER - appalling, you Welsh Government Education people. Abominable.

Had a row over the TV turned up way too loud for us all. Says he can't hear it at our level. Continously says 'eh?' when spoken to, making everyone (not just us)repeat what they've just said. This gets very monotonous for people and especially happens when he's on the phone to anyone. We both suggested he goes to the doctor (mother's department) to get his ears/hearing checked. He refuses and goes off on a strop when all we're trying to do is help. If he doesn't get help with this, his hearing may be permanently damaged or there might be damage already done. He just tells us to 'speak to me louder, so that I can hear you - or don't speak to me at all if you're all going to mumble'. What sort of attitude is that to tell people????? We can't make him or drag him or throw him into the car and take him to the doctor, can we? The law says that he is technically legally able to actually leave home, so if he's old enough to do that - why can't he get himself to the gp to sort his ears out for himself? The mere suggestion and sensible explanation about his hearing, made him turn on us and he walked out of the room. We are at our wits' end as to what to do with this lad. Any attempt at sensible talking and he turns on us, just like that.

OP I feel for you so much and you’re clearly at the end of your tether

But what are you going to do about it? You know nothing’s going to change because your partner isn’t going to step up and bloody DO anything about it.

How have you got to the point where you’re being shoved in your own home, having nightmares about being attacked or can’t sleep with the sheer awful stress of it? Your DP must think this is acceptable or he’d have put a stop to it. How would he feel if someone shoved you or verbally abused you at work or in the street?

You have to draw a line now and tell him you’ve had enough and your home isn’t going to be a war zone any longer. It’s meant to be your sanctuary and it’s got so bad you’re going to get properly ill if it continues.

I don’t see why you should move out. You don’t say what your housing situation is but I’d be telling your partner he needs to move out if he insists on supporting and babying his horrible son and he can take responsibility for finding a way to make it work as you’ve had enough.

As if he’d “lose” his son if he gave him some natural consequences. You know he’ll keep showing up when his mum’s had enough of his shit. If she doesn’t have somewhere easy to send him maybe she’ll step up and do some bloody parenting. At the moment your stepson is falling between two parents and two households which are too scared or useless to kick his arse and you’re the one suffering.

I don’t actually care how depressed your partner is. He’s one of the main reasons things have got so bad.

Tell him he and SS both need to go as you can’t carry on this like.

If he can't hear then that might explain the miserable exam results at least in part. Why not just call the gp and make an appointment for him. Tell him your concerned made the appointment and will drive him over.

Do you jointly own the house? Rent?

How easy would it be to live separately until either DP or DSS comes to his senses? You cannot live like this. DSS is abusing you in your own home physically and emotionally.

I am able to purchase my own accomodation if I need or am pushed to, but why should I? I have already been brought to the state of breakdowns three times due to my treatment here and have started looking at houses etc online which are within my budget. But why should I? This is my home. I helped partner do this place up and have personally spent over £100K doing it - why should I move out? It's his house, too, so can't ask him to leave anyway.
It's not my job to get GP appointments is it? It's the parents' job. Not even the 'step' mum, just the girlfriend, so I have no real say in anything.
Mum is too busy away from her house at her boyfriend's, who SS doesn't like either. She a very selfish person and puts herself first before her own child, never backs us up and spreads lies around about us. No help there.
I take myself off in the car for the whole day whenever a row occurs. Even the simplest of 'asks' and I get turned on. Or he takes things which don't belong to him and turns on you, when you tell him off about it. I have come to the point of locking stuff away and cable-tying my things that can be opened. I get accused of using 'dads stuff' without asking - but that's the childish way of him looking at things. At least I don't break hundreds of £s worth of dad's equipment and works' tools, or lose his dad's things and I do contribute both physically and monetarily towards the running this entire place - his home.
I am sick of giving and giving and giving and getting nothing back - that's all. And being treated and talked to like scum, that's why I've switched off from him, which isn't the person I am. I am a caring, good hearted, sensitive lady, but he is changing my character into a mean, selfish type of bit, which is something I am not and I hate myself for it and have started to scratch my arms through sheer frustration and the thought that I really must be a bit and a horrible woman. I am so angry.

You’re having nervous breakdowns, self harming, becoming someone you hate and spending whole days in your car?

I would consider getting my own home (and writing-off that 100K) an absolute bargain in those circumstances.

You need to leave. It's not the boys fault. This is a failed relationship. Just go.

why is 'mother' in inverted commas? granted it sounds like she's not doing an amazing job with this boy but then neither is his 'father'

he is shoving you around in your own home. this is domestic violence - I assume he is bigger and taller than you (not that it makes it ok if he isn't). you say 'why should you' be the one who has to move - well anyone in an untenable position not of their making could say that couldn't they? but someone has to do something here and you cannot live like this, you are self harming.

it's time you put yourself first which means having a home that is a sanctuary where no one treats you with violence and disrespect and unfortunately it looks like you are going to have to be the hero you need and make that happen for yourself. railing against your ss, partner, partner's ex, the welsh benefits system etc is getting you exactly nowhere. think of a life where you get in from work and don't have to think about any of this, and your home and belongings are exactly as you left them. pretty good huh?

I know you shouldn’t have to leave op, but you shouldn’t have to live with a person who is abusive to you and causing extreme mental health problems or with a partner who allows this to continue.

Do you not think you’d be a lot happier and healthier away from this awful household?

Your partner is never going to do anything about it and his son with therefor never change. You only get one life OP.