Holiday contact- quite complicated

[Summerjoy]

I would really appreciate some advice.

My OH and I are expecting and he has a 6 year old from a previous relationship. As her mother has moved 3 hours away, we have his daughter every other weekend and we should have a good amount of time in school holidays. Due to our work commitments, we have had to arrange with family to help us with collections etc so that he can maintain a relationship with his daughter. He has a lovely relationship with his daughter and although only 6, she has asked on numerous occasions for us to talk to her mum about living with us.

Her mum is just married with a 2 year old by her current partner. This younger child is used as a reason to keep his daughter there as they are ‘incredibly close’ which makes me feel that the relationship with our child is secondary (could be my hormones). She seems that she is not keen on our child having a relationship with her daughter and as it is going to be a boy the mother is very excited that his daughter wanted a sister...it hurts my feelings. She also has issues as his daughter is half Jamaican and our child will also be the same, so his daughter is searching her identity because the ex’s new child has blonde hair and blue eyes and his daughter feels different. This is something we talk to her about to try and give her a sense of pride in her self.

Anyways, this summer we have had to arrange his time off around the mother’s schedule. She was getting married to her partner which went on for days and she has booked a 10-12 day camping holiday slap bang on the middle of the holidays. I have made it clear that we are not having as much time as she said we could originally because we are having to work around her schedule and there is no effort to think of our schedules. That’s life though. We can get over that. Getting time off work in August is not easy for my OH which she doesn’t understand as she does not work.

The problem has arisen that when we had his daughter for 9 days she rung or FaceTimed and we even had texts from her 2 year old! She tried some form of contact every day! We tried to ignore some but we felt guilty and returned the calls. We didn’t have time without feeling she was there getting involved! Our time is so precious as she has such a big family here that we take her to visit family members as well so that she still as a relationship with them. The ex would even ring for 3 minutes to tell her a fun thing they will do when she gets home and then go. I felt it undermined our days of fun! Now his daughter is on holiday with her mum, we have left them be. We are letting her enjoy time with her mum. We have had one picture text which we replied to and that has been that. She is with her mum having fun.

We have another week that we will have her for. So my question, is it OK to ask the mum to leave us to our fun with his daughter just as we have left them? I just want to enjoy our day without random calls which feel like she is doing as she is scared her daughter may forget her...

Please let me know your thoughts. This feels like a minefield and I don’t want to do anything that is unfair. I just don’t think her daughter should be used as a pawn.

Many thanks.

Just let it go. It's not a battle of who the child misses most. You can't compare the two anyway when the child is already used to not seeing her dad for two weeks but used to seeing her mum every day.

If it erks you let your OH deal with it. All he has to do is give his phone to his DD. Is it really so painful? My experience is that when kids don't care to talk on the phone they make it clear either responding in one word or saying good bye and giving the phone back to the adult. The message that she's not bothered to speak to her mum will be much better communicated thst way.

If she does enjoy the conversations with her mum is it really so bad? All she is doing is sharing her excitement and happiness thst she is sharing with her dad. Sounds like a positive thing to do.

This all issue about restricting phone contact be it the pwc or nrp sounds to me much more an issue of control by the parents than what is best for the child.

I’ll give you my example.

My OH has 2 kids. Mum wouldn’t ‘let’ the kids speak to their dad (who they saw EOW). He had to get a court order to see the kids and a judge ordered that the mum had to make the children available for calls. So he was ‘allowed’ to ring 3 x a week at a specific time.

When we had the kids EOW mum would call typically 3 x a day. My OH (all credit to him) has never stopped the kids speaking to their mum. He says he would never stoop to her level.

We went in holiday for the week recently and I said to the kids, have you texted orcrung your mum? They said no, we don’t need to speak to her.

Let it go. Kids will make up their own minds. Never stop them contacting, let them decide.

Thanks so much- I think I needed a bit of clarity as my hormones are a bit... and I think when you are in it you can’t see clearly...

Please let me clarify we never stop calls, we return them if we miss them and we encourage communication I just think it is very disruptive especially as my step daughter does not ask to call. I still think we are doing the right thing to respect her holiday time with her mum and we will continue to respond if we are contacted. I just feel she wants to know what we are doing all the time. But I should just let it go.

Of course she’s going to be close to a sibling she lives with that’s natural ds is closer to his two siblings than the sibling he has with his df.

The contact through holiday is normal ds would FaceTime his dsis and his db and speak on the phone in the same way ex would ring to speak to ds.

You are creating a conflict that does not need to be there.

Your OP needs to sort out holidays in advance with his EX - therein lies your fundamental problem.

Anyone who chooses to limit the ability of a child to speak to the other parent whilst on their time is seriously sad ( Northern - she is unreasonable)

she got married - seriously you are kicking off about that

Op, I understand that if you are out for the day, you don’t really want a call or FaceTime in the middle of it.
Why not suggest to the ex, a time each evening when you will be at home or in an area with good signal and your dsd will not be eating. Then dsd can tell her mum all about her day.
And then ignore any other calls.

My ds will go on holiday with his dad this Friday and I won’t hear from him at all for two weeks, which I find very difficult.

It is reasonable to think there has to be a compromise.

Why is it so disruptive though? Remember that mum wants to know what happens because that's what she would do wherever her DD is. She probably asks her every day how was her day at school. Your OH doesn't because it's not their normality so of course it's easier for him not to call her on holiday to ask about her day.

If her mum is using the information shared by DSD to then have a go at your OH or making demands etc... then yes, that would become a problem, but there is no harm in just talking to her DD if DD is happy to talk to her. As she gets older, it will reduce significantly.

My boys facetime their dad twice a week, he sees them eow and we live 3 hours away. If they wish to facetime or call their dad at any other time then they can and i will not discourage it. (Eg, when eldest got awarded a new belt at judo he phoned his dad as was excited). Birthdays are an exception, they always facetime. However, when dad has them for a week i never get a call......... they forget. In fairness the boys have to be reminded to facetime their dad every week as they rarely ask. I miss speaking with them whilst they are with their dad but would not just call unnecessarily, every day phonecalls are not needed unless children ask. I suggest you offer every other day around a mealtime and say if more is requested by your dsd then obviously you will oblige.

Swingofthings, well, if you are half way through a bike ride or on a fair ground ride or shopping on a noisy street or swimming to give a few examples.

Each parent is entitled to organise outings with a child without the other interrupting. Speaking every day, at a set time allows everyone to plan and get the best out of the holidays

I think the ex is being very intrusive. It would be completely fair and reasonable to ask that contact is limited to every 2-3 days, and held at a time scheduled to suit YOU. This is all led by the ex and not by the DSD, that means the ex is putting her needs before everyone else's. Please put some boundaries in place. Once or twice in a 9-day period is enough, and I would suggest that communication is limited to just facetime and not messaging.

If I was your h I would tell my ex that his dd would call her every evening at xpm. I would find it annoying having her call up regularly.

My children see ex EOW and never FaceTime. They have gone on holiday with him and have FaceTimed me daily. We are very close so have lots to say after 24 hours. Im not saying that their Dad doesn't care about them just his relationship is different. (The kids interpret their Dad's less communicative ways as being less interested in them though)

As your stepdaughter sees her mum's child more than yours, she will probably end up closer to her mum's child. That's not saying that she won't be close to yours, it's just the way things are.