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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Want to go on holiday alone

42 replies

hamabr86 · 13/08/2018 11:53

We have a holiday coming up and we are heading down (south east) to see DP's parents with my two DSD's next week. This is the same thing we did with them when we had a holiday week a couple of months ago, and essentially any free time, and whilst I love the step children and my DP's family I'm just not looking forward to it very much.

We moved from the south coast to yorkshire last year and I still have a lacking social life and I know the whole week is going to be dictated by the sort of things they like to do (not my cup of tea) and kids activities so a continuation of the chronic boredom I've felt for the last year.

To be honest I'm really tempted to take the week and visit my own friends and family in the south west but I know my DP is going to take massive offence at this and it will probably cause an arguement. I normally squeeze in weekends with my family once every couple of months on own because DP wants to use his holiday to see his family and take the kids. I just wondered how anybody else has dealt with family holidays etc / getting your own time?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

converseandjeans · 13/08/2018 18:42

YANBU to go and do your own thing. As others have suggested do a long weekend with them all and then have some time the second part of the week doing your own thing.
I do think it's nice he wants to use his holiday on the kids when they are little as you often see on here that separated parents sometimes use their holidays with new partner and kids don't get to go away at all with their parent.
I also agree with others that the kids would probably love some time on their own with their Dad. Surely if his parents are about he has some 'help' if that's what he needs.
Also agree with others that unless you establish this as the norm, ongoing it will be expected that you will just follow him and the kids about whenever you get time off.
Can't you save your holiday allowance for some time off when they're in school and he's in work?

MachineBee · 13/08/2018 18:43

In that case you do need to agree things to be fair to everyone.

His DDs WILL want/need quality time alone with him.

You are also entitled to see your family too. Is there any way you could visit them with DP and DSDs?

If he’s adamant it has to be holiday on his terms then you have a problem, but if he is happy to consider other options then you may be able to work this out.

Your thoughts about him feeling guilty are probably spot on, but he needs to overcome these if he is to be a good Dad in the future. As his DDs grow up they will need a DF who has their best interests at heart, not a Disney Dad who can’t see beyond his own issues.

MycatsaPirate · 13/08/2018 18:45

Sit him down and tell him you are really missing your friends/family and would like to use the trip down to his family to take some time out for you too.

If you frame it that you are unhappy because you miss your family and friends rather than wanting to opt out because you are bored shitless it may sink in. Say you will join him for the last couple of days and have some good times with him and the kids doing something you all enjoy.

It's really hard especially if you don't have kids, to have all your free time dominated by the needs of very small children. It's boring. I get that. And you need to have some time for yourself too. Try and get it through to him that it's not you hating him and the kids or not wanting to be with them but rather that you want to catch up with friends. Maybe one of your friends could organise a big night out which coincides with that week?

GreenTulips · 13/08/2018 18:51

What would he say to spending a week with the kids at your families home?

Bet he wouldn't even have crossed his mind!

Tell him you aren't going - you'll travel with them but you are seeing your family and your friends.

He needs to see that it's equally important to you.

He does seem to shirk childcare - I assume it's his family to make his life easier as his parents will take the brunt of childcare. He huffs when you go out during his time, because you make it easier for him.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/08/2018 18:56

Your dickhead 'partner' needs reminding that his children are not your children and while you might like them very much, your whole world does not revolve around them. If he isn't willing to give you any time and consideration, then this relationship is doomed to failure.

HappyStep1 · 13/08/2018 19:14

How often do you have the DSDs during a normal week? Do you get every other weekend off to spend time together, do you get any quality time for you both? When you make the decision to have a long term committed relationship with a man who has children, this is the deal. It is often not what you want to do, boring and difficult.
It maybe that he wants you to be accepted by DSDs as part of his life by including you in everything, however, I agree with pp that they will enjoy having their Dad to themselves. Not allowing any holiday time for just the two of you, all be it whilst away with the DSDs, feels like he doesn't see you as a priority.
It seem perfectly reasonable to want to see your family, you've clearly made quite a sacrifice moving away from your family and friends. If this is making you unhappy you may need to reconsider your relationship.

Iloveacurry · 13/08/2018 19:19

Yes it’s his holiday but it’s also your holiday too! Go and see your family. Do you ever go to see your family for a week with your DP?

Hissy · 14/08/2018 23:57

Your dp is an idiot

Write him off for couple time holidays?

Guessing he hasn’t clocked what keeps relationships alive then no?

You and he need time together too.

I don’t think this relationship will work out, he’s too much of a selfish and insecure prick for you

SandyY2K · 15/08/2018 02:06

He is hard work and he will continue to be unless you stand your ground.

I don't know your age and if that's a factor on why you put up with this. Just a couple of months ago and you did the same thing. He comes with baggage and he's being a pain in the arse to boot.

Let him go with his kids. Let him bath, dress and feed them. Let him take them to the toilet when he goes out with him. Let them follow their dad from room to room.

If he wants his holiday purely to spend with them...that's fine.

You need to use your annual leave on your family, yourself and your friends.

Don't get used as free childcare. I've seen women in your position pour heart and soul into such relationships and after having discussed wanting kids of their own..and the guy agreed....when it came down to it, he backs out.

Leaving the woman having wasted years (fertile ones) looking after his kids with the kids being older...you aren't needed so much.

Time to revaluate the relationship.

Or could you feign illness and have him go without you.

If you had kids you wouldn't expect him to use 2 weeks of his leave with them visiting your family...why does he expect it?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 15/08/2018 11:06

"Let him go with his kids. Let him bath, dress and feed them. Let him take them to the toilet when he goes out with him. Let them follow their dad from room to room."

Exactly this ^ If he was already a properly hands on parent I doubt his children would have taken to following you around to the extent that you now do a lot of the childcare.

Athena1985 · 15/08/2018 12:05

As someone that’s in the same position as you can I ask if you are ready to accept your partners children as your own and be a family unit and everything that comes with it ? I’m just wondering why you would need a week away on your own - does your partner not give you a break through the week? Having been someone like you who has moved away from famil I can understand how isolating it may be but it needs to be give and take and it sounds like he should be making the effort to meet your needs and arrange to take the kids and him with you to see ur family and friends more often

fieryginger · 15/08/2018 12:30

Completely understand why he wants to take his kids to see his parents and, yes, it would be really boring for you. I also understand if he wants you with his kids and parents as he considers you an integral part of his family, the need for you all to be together in his mind.

So I can see this from his point of view. However, if the reason is to have you help out with the kids or to help cut him some slack, that's a different story.

However, even if he does want you to go along for legit, family time, if it's something you really don't want to do, you shouldn't do it. I'm married with kids of my own and I take time away on my own every year, DC and DH support this, we have a disabled child and I need the respite. Holidays can be stressful with your own kids for many families.

I've been with DH for 33 years, gentle honesty is the best policy, I find.

SwitchTo · 16/08/2018 12:27

can I ask if you are ready to accept your partners children as your own and be a family unit and everything that comes with it ?

Please for the love of all things logical do not listen to this statement. You do not have to feel this way as a step parent. You do not have to do that to be a successful blended/step family. If you do, good for you, if you don't, it doesn't matter. You do NOT have to accept your partner's children as your own, you do NOT have to conform to any notion of 'family unit' but your own - which might be far from what you'd gone into it imagining or even how it felt at first.

Magda72 · 16/08/2018 13:45

Hi @hamabr86 - I'm a dm & a sm & I second everything @SwitchTo says.
Some blended families will never operate as one unit & that's ok.

Athena1985 · 16/08/2018 17:25

I believe you should go with your heart and do what’s right for you - everyone has differences of opinions here as we all come from different backgrounds - some of us actually are in the same situation as you and have personal beliefs about what we feel is the best way forward and how we would deal things but I guess the most helpful thing would be to say don’t listen to anyone else - stand up for what you think is right and what you want

GreenTulips · 16/08/2018 18:00

I also understand if he wants you with his kids and parents as he considers you an integral part of his family

So Op has moved away from her family and wants to visit them, but his kids and parents have to take priority. Why?

Why isn't he onboard with visiting OPs family or allowing to to do so?

Didiusfalco · 16/08/2018 18:07

He sounds bloody hard work! Assume he is brilliant in some other way, because this sounds tedious. As a pp said, it would be a good thing for him to spend 1-1 times with his dds. He’s being a bit of a precious baby insisting everything goes his way.

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