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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Want to go on holiday alone

42 replies

hamabr86 · 13/08/2018 11:53

We have a holiday coming up and we are heading down (south east) to see DP's parents with my two DSD's next week. This is the same thing we did with them when we had a holiday week a couple of months ago, and essentially any free time, and whilst I love the step children and my DP's family I'm just not looking forward to it very much.

We moved from the south coast to yorkshire last year and I still have a lacking social life and I know the whole week is going to be dictated by the sort of things they like to do (not my cup of tea) and kids activities so a continuation of the chronic boredom I've felt for the last year.

To be honest I'm really tempted to take the week and visit my own friends and family in the south west but I know my DP is going to take massive offence at this and it will probably cause an arguement. I normally squeeze in weekends with my family once every couple of months on own because DP wants to use his holiday to see his family and take the kids. I just wondered how anybody else has dealt with family holidays etc / getting your own time?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lunar1 · 13/08/2018 12:40

Bloody hell, go for it! I can't see how you seeing your friends could cause a problem for him. Your not asking him to ditch his children or his family. You are giving yourself a holiday you want. You went on the last one.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 12:59

How about you join them half way through the week.

If your partner kicks off it shows he's selfish and not thinking about you.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 13:00

Or does he need you to help with his kids? Don't be used.

NorthernSpirit · 13/08/2018 13:02

Do it. You aren’t joined at the hip. It’s important for couples to do their own thing.

I’m a DSM to 2.

I do a weeks winter sports holiday on my own with my fiends.

My OH takes his 2 to see his parents in France every summer (on his own). I think it’s important that he does stuff with them in their own (plus i’m not sure I could do a week away with his mum & dad).

We do a week abroad as a family together.

Why would he take offence? Because he doesn’t want to parent his own children on his own? Tough.

Original poster

hamabr86 · 13/08/2018 13:09

My DP is extremely sensitive and often sees me doing my own thing when we have the kids as a rejection of him / them (he's not remotely fussed what I do when its just him though).

He's chilled out an awful lot more recently but I suspect if I tell him I don't want to come with it might set him back to square one.

OP posts:

PeridotCricket · 13/08/2018 13:10

Good for his kids to see him on his own....

I've frequently not gone on 'family' things because I want to see my family, or friends or just wanted to stay at home and do my own thing. It's a compromise.

HollyGibney · 13/08/2018 13:11

Do it. And while you're at it have a think of this is how you constantly want to live. I know I couldn't. I have children and it's a ton of compromise and I am not sure I would want to make it for kids that weren't mine.

PeridotCricket · 13/08/2018 13:30

Sounds a bit like hard work to be honest.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 13/08/2018 13:31

My DH goes on holiday with his kids by himself. I went along for the first few years but it's good for the kids to get alone time with their dad, we do stuff together as a family for the rest of the year!

Don't let him guilt trip you, it'd be like you insisting your parents have to come along on every holiday as well. Like I recently said on another thread, your place in the family is not to slot into his ex's role like a new actor playing a long running soap opera character. He needs to accept he has a new family dynamic with you and you have your own needs and wants. If he kicks off, ignore it. Your opinion is worth as much as his.

Original poster

hamabr86 · 13/08/2018 13:39

PeridotCricket Lol yeah he is a bit..

Thanks, I sometimes find it hard to tell if maybe I'm being unreasonable because he gets so upset about it.

I think he does want to make it so that it's like a first family when they are with us, I know he feels bad that they don't have a 'normal' family life anymore and so gets extremely anxious when I deviate from that.

OP posts:

Chewbecca · 13/08/2018 13:46

Of course you should do it.

However, you should think about how to address your chronic boredom. Change things!

OrdinarySnowflake · 13/08/2018 13:53

I think you should frame it as missing your family and friends and would like to spend some quality time with them, rather than a snatched weekend where it's rushed - rather than not enjoying being with him and DSC at his parents place. That you don't want to ask them to miss time with grandparents for you, but you want to see your family.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/08/2018 13:57

If you don't do it now, when will you ever be able to do anything that doesn't involve you being joined at the hip? You are aware of his feelings but your feelings should also be taken into consideration.

SwitchTo · 13/08/2018 14:54

Do it!! You absolutely must. You need a break, you need to recharge. It's in everybody's best interests, you've done more than enough playing happy families to keep everyone happy.

I'm also concerned that your DH is using all his spare time on HIS family and kids - what about seeing your family? What about time away just the two of you without SC's?? It's important!

SwitchTo · 13/08/2018 14:57

Also it is not your responsibility to make it feel like a 'first family'. That's a ridiculous amount of pressure to put on you and on his children. It's a fantasy that is all too common in the minds of separated dads and it comes from a place of guilt and a failure to properly grieve.
How does it make you feel?

Original poster

hamabr86 · 13/08/2018 16:40

DP has told me to write him off for any holidays us alone for the foreseeable. He'd rather use his holiday on the kids.

The style of parenting is not what I would have chosen but I feel like in any discussions about it I am in a weak position.

OP posts:

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 13/08/2018 17:51

I'd write the selfish arsehole off out of your life. Not for this specific incident but because a relationship which involves step parenting is massively challenging when any of the parties aren't on the same page regarding the kids and/or your place within the family. His attitude indicates that he doesn't see you as a person with your own needs, just as a space-filler within his idealised family set-up. You deserve more.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 13/08/2018 17:55

Also to clarify, there's nothing wrong with him wanting to spend all his holiday on his kids. But if he won't take just a few days out per year to give you some quality time as a couple then he's not in a place to have a serious relationship. No one needs a holiday but that logic can apply to his kids as well as to you.

As my counsellor is fond of saying, what you feed grows; what you starve dies. If he holds you to ransom over this issue it shows how he views you as a couple.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 18:02

FFS! He needs to grow up. He's far too much work, tbh. I wouldn't think of consulting him, just go. He's sounds like a whingy arse. Maybe that's why his ex dumped him. Probably got sick of him.

MachineBee · 13/08/2018 18:03

I’d frame this more as giving his DCs some quality time with him rather than you not wanting to go.

My own DDs are grown up but love occasional time with me on my own, much as they enjoy seeing their DSF too.

You don’t say how d your DSDs are, but I can guarantee they will appreciate a bit of time with their DF without you there.

Also, you don’t mention your DSDs DM. Is she still around? If not, is this why he’s trying to create a first family atmosphere?

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 18:06

How old are his kids? Are you providing childcare whilst on holiday? Let me guess.

Magda72 · 13/08/2018 18:18

Everything that @ACatsNoHelpWithThat says.
Please think about this relationship long term. It really sounds like it's all about him!

GeorgeTheHippo · 13/08/2018 18:19

Did you moving halfway across the country mean leaving his kids living where you used to live? If so i can see where he is coming from.

Original poster

hamabr86 · 13/08/2018 18:33

No their mum is the resident parent we followed them up here. We all used to live where my family are. He's generally great except when it comes to the kids then he gets extremely emotional and you can't have a sensible conversation.

They are 4 and 5 and I probably do a lot of childcare but they are at that age where they literally follow me from room to room, so there's no avoiding it really. He doesn't shirk it.

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 18:41

We all used to live where my family are. He's generally great except when it comes to the kids then he gets extremely emotional and you can't have a sensible conversation.

You left your life, your support network and your family for a bloke you're not married to and his kids and he 'can't have a sensible conversation' with you about something as serious as his kids?

He's not great, not at all. He's isolating you from your friends and families and guilt tripping you or shutting you down when it comes to your spending your free time how you please. He 'gets emotional' as a way to manipulate you.

Dear god. Why do so many people do this for these unmarried partners with so much baggage?

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