Step son just can’t warm to him

[Stepmum3]

My step son is 16 he lives with me full time. Is only meant to see his mum an hr a fortnight but I know he sees her more.
Unfortunately he is golden boy for his Nan.

At home he is very rude and talks shitty all the time. My eldest shares a room with him and my eldest is always tidying this room as my step son can’t be bothered.
Just over a year ago we had several violent outbursts where he was hitting his dad and Kicking punching doors. Last July it came to an end as I said he needs to go to counselling otherwise he can’t stay: we have six kids and this was upsetting for everyone. I have been called all
Kinds of names by said child. And last July I did let my own mouth get the better of me. Which I am not proud of and have apologised for.
A year on I feel we are going to have another outburst but all my step son says is all my dad does is moan.
My partner has made a point of spending 1 to 1 time by going to rugby together a shared love. And the only things he moans at is his attitude towards people. Which can be terrible.
My step son is blaming his dad for most likely failing his GCSEs. He could not be bothered to revise as he said I can’t do so I am going to fail then all Dad will moan. In fact in the last 5 years I haven’t seen him do much school work. Nan even paid for some tuition for him to help four weeks prior to his exams.

I am totally dreading 23rd August results day as I think this maybe melt down day.
Anyway I just don’t like him he is rude and hurts his siblings who idolise him. They are totally besotted with him and I can’t understand why. I feel I am walking on egg shells as I don’t want a repeat of last July as I think there will be no come back.
He is very sneaky gets money from his mum, Dad,auntie and Nan.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I have switched off and I do the basics for him but on the whole I have recently taken to ignoring him as it’s never his fault for anything even if he had hit his little bro or sister who are 9 and 7.
I am at a point where I feel he would just go live with his nan as I don’t enforce the rules with him as I can’t be bothered with the argument or the possibility of the fight.

I expect issues from teens but I just finding it hard.

Sorry to waffle on

Just to add I haven’t ignored him hurting younger siblings but I ask him to stop. Rather than take mobiles or send to bed. As I would with others.

You are right to address any antisocial problems. Try to remember he is only sixteen and is in a difficult position, he will change.

Where would the boy go if you said you couldn't take him any more?

When he is seventeen+ treat him like a young adult and give him a bit more responsibility. It may work if he feels he is valued. Be kind if he hasn't done well in exams, not end of the world.

Pity he has to share a room, a boy of that age needs some privacy. Is there no room you could convert for him? Even partitioning off part of a room would make a heck of a difference.

Good luck, you're in an unenviable situation.

No I am afraid there is no spare rooms. As I know my own son who is 17 would rather not share as Stepson is very messy and my own son is a bit over the top with tidiness.

He would go to his mums or nans. His mum had told him he can move out once he is 16. So it is difficult to counter that.

He would be acting out from the extreme emotional pain is from his background and situation.

My suggestion would be to invest (money and time) in finding him a very good counsellor and try to understand why he is acting as he is.

If he is only allowed to see him mother once a fortnight I'm guessing there is a whole horror story behind that which has done him a lot of damage. His behaviour is the result.

You talk about how stressed you are because of his behaviour. I imagine when he was a helpless child he was exposed to a lot of behaviour that made him pretty stressed. If you try and understand his perspective I think that will help you how to respond emotionally and practically.

Sorry to add he had counselling but refuses to return. As the counsellor recommended if it was social services to stop contact, however due to his age she said he will vote with his feet and said an hour a fortnight and not at her home. However, this was all due to what step son had told her not input from us.

Let him go and live with his mum....although I'm assuming there's more background as he's only meant to see her an hour a week.

Also what's the problem with his mum and nan giving him money?

Can he live with his gran

The issue with the money is we don’t often know where said money comes from and my worry is what he could be spending the money on such as drugs etc. I have asked my partner to ask those who give him money just to let us know so we can just keep an eye on him. Also, has a habit of playing adults off one another to get money. My main issue is he just turns up with £20-50 and none of us know where.

Due to my job I see children who use drugs etc

If he lived with his nan he would end up being her carer and still have no appreciation for consequences. His nan is no different from his mum to be honest.

It sounds like his issues are caused by whatever has happened with his mum; when a parent lets a child down (through neglect, abuse etc) they often then feel that other adults can’t be trusted and will then “test” them as they’re almost trying to confirm that every adult will let them down. I know it’s so much easier to say than do and they do test people to their limits but if you can hold in there and keep showing him that you care then it’ll make a massive difference to his future.

I agree with the poster above. The backstory could be the answer here.

Unfortunately, there was a lot of violence perpetrated by the mother towards father which step son witnessed. He always tells me his mum is mentally ill that’s why she was like that and he knows about her affairs etc and always defends her. When there was free support available when he was 10/11 she refused any sort of counselling for him. Which social care never pursued. However, his mum treats him like her friend not her son. I have tried to keep him as a child and give him the childhood he needs. But my patience is wearing thin. I would hate to cast mum as the villain she had a terrible childhood but hasn’t dealt with those issues. I have always been my step sons biggest defender as I grew up without my mum when I was a child so have tried really hard to sympathise and relate.