Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Dealing with rejection as a stepdad

21 replies

Swans1987 · 08/08/2018 09:09

Hi

I'm new to mumsnet...and not a mum. My fiance is. I live with her and my step daughter who is 2. She lives with us 5 days a week and with her dad 2 days a week. Sometimes i feel like we are bonding, that she appreciates that I bathe, feed, play and generally look after her...but then it becomes clear that really i'll always be third best behind her mum and then her dad, even though he doesn't see her very much. I picked her up from nursery yesterday and in front of a load of real parents she screamed DADDY and struggled to get away from me, it was embarrassing and i'm ashamed to say really hurtful. My fiance wants me to love her, but I'm really struggling to. Just want to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Thanks for your time
S.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
thethoughtfox · 08/08/2018 09:15

You always will be third best. Her own parents will always be first even if dad is absent or an asshole. You need to accept this but you can build an amazing relationship with this child and she will hopefully grow to love you.

user1487168313 · 08/08/2018 09:20

It comes with time :)

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 08/08/2018 09:25

She's still very little. Even parents can find it hard to bond with their own children at this stage when all you do is meet their needs, wipe bums, clean teeth etc. As they grow older you get more 'back' if that doesn't sound weird. Give it time. She's lucky to have such a caring step dad.

superhansg · 08/08/2018 09:27

She's two all two year olds have outbursts I remember my little sister at that age I was 18 and I went to get her from school I took her hand and she wailed that she didn't know who I was hahaha as you can imagine I was mortified when a army of mums came to protect her but of course she's my sister so she cooled it after a bit don't let it get you down

Gottokondo · 08/08/2018 09:34

Children are hardwired to love their parents regardless of how they treat them. That's ger biology, it can't be changed. Don't try to aim for as much love or more love than she has for her dad. It's not a competition. Try to aim for a different bond. You are a different person and have a different role in her life. Be patient and understanding, she will love you in time.

somewhereawayfromhere · 08/08/2018 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatToDoToday6 · 08/08/2018 10:03

I think you need to stop trying to play Dad.

but then it becomes clear that really i'll always be third best behind her mum and then her dad

^ this is exactly how it should be. If I were her Dad I would be upset to hear another man essentially wishing he was most important. The best thing for a child is for them to have a close relationship with both parents and if they have step parents who can play more of an uncle or aunt role, then great!

I am a step mum (though I don't use the term). It has never once bothered me that she loves her mum more than me. It's strange thinking that it could bother someone in this way!

Just let her be a kid and stop expecting so much from her. Stop expecting love and for her to treat you like daddy. Be her friend, be there for her as she grows older, keep doing what you're doing and it will all fall in to place. She's only two years old...

olivea · 08/08/2018 10:07

Being a step-parent is hard. You are expected to love a child that is not yours unconditionally but you can't expect the same love in return. This is because they are a child. Their allegiance is to their mum and dad and a step-parent can introduce a whole load of feelings that they don't know how to deal with. She may feel that she cannot get close to you because this will hurt her father and expresses this in a way that makes sense to her as a young child.

The only thing you can do to build a close relationship with her is to provide consistent unconditional love to her over the years. Even then she will still favour her parents naturally and may not particularly value you in her life. You will have to decide whether you are ok with this because this child doesn't owe you anything. Harsh though it may be.

bionicnemonic · 08/08/2018 10:16

My step dad came into my life when I was older. My mum wanted me to adore him but it took a long time. He just was there, always, in the background, always steady. I grew to love him for the person he was. Not my mum, not my dad, but he himself. Unique.
Bide your time

T2705 · 08/08/2018 12:18

Hi,

Don't worry about it - she is so little! As others have said, you will forge your own relationship with her, it won't be the same as her dad but it will be yours and hers.

My daughter at 2 had a paddy and screamed I want daddy when she saw me at nursery pick up one day!! A friends daughter always used to refuse to leave and try and go home with one of the teachers - toddlers are strange creatures.

It does feel a bit embarrassing but sadly my kids have embarrassed me in much worse ways since then, please don't stress about it. Its good that you want to have a positive impact just don't force it. It will come in time.

lunar1 · 08/08/2018 13:34

She's two! You can have a vital role in her life, but you shouldn't be striving to be more important that her parents.

Takfujimoto · 08/08/2018 14:19

She's two years old,, why would she 'show' appreciation?
Why would you be valued over her mother or father?

Tbh your post has creeped me out a bit, I'm hoping you're just naive and have no clue about how children develop and have unrealistic expectations due to ignorance.

No shame if that's how it is, but you need to fix the odd way you've processed her behaviour.

Branleuse · 08/08/2018 14:21

For what its worth, all my kids have done this to me at pick up at various points in their childhood and im their actual mother. It is embarrassing. Nursery staff wont bat an eyelid

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 08/08/2018 14:29

It's a fair point to make that kids might know to say please and thank you, might be happy or excited about some things, but they don't express "appreciation" towards anything or anyone until they're a bit older than two! Appreciating/gratefulness is quite a sophisticated concept which involves empathy, and understanding of other's efforts. Also kids are bloody hard work, especially small ones - plenty of parents feel unappreciated all round for their efforts and I hear the teenage years are particularly grim as that's when they really should know better!

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 08/08/2018 14:32

And it's worth investing in a thick skin because kids can hurt your feelings - sometimes without realising it, even worse if it's on purpose - remember Kevin the teenager - "I HATE YOU!" As the adult you have to absorb it and love the buggerdarlings anyway. It can take practice.

Swans1987 · 08/08/2018 14:52

Thanks to everyone for their answers. I realize I'm being really unrealistic, and have had no idea what role I should be playing. I suppose I kind of wished someone would have some magic advice on how to enjoy being a step dad, but thats obviously not going to happen.

Thanks again,
Step parenting is hard.

OP posts:
Gettingbackonmyfeet · 08/08/2018 15:05

It is hard and I feel for you

It's easy to say that you should be ok with being third but I suspect that often comes from someone who doesn't have to do it

I think it can be especially tough when you are a resident step dad

My DP (unmarried but resident with myself and dc) struggles with this and I entirely get it....he is the one that gets them up for chill,feeds , clothes them ,sits up when they have a temperature (I don't mean alone I mean with me ...just in comparison to their DF and he's a hands on fantastic step dad)

But ultimately it's usually said by the DC "Mummy , Daddy and ....Dps name) that hesitation can be brutal and when the father isn't doing a lot of parenting it's tough

All that said it's about recignisung that being a parent is about longevity anyway. The important stuff...the boundaries and the behaviours and the support..it doesn't pay off for any of us immediately

I promise my eldest DC is not thanking me for making him brush his teeth in the morning but certainly cross when his DF doesn't

It's about , for any parent, holding onto the little things...i see dp's face when Ds2 snuggles into his shoulder and nods off...even when five minutes earlier he is driving DP to distraction

Dp is the one that put a consequences in ...theur df doesn't....but when they feel unsafe they run to DP or me because we might be the disciplinarian but we are also safe and they know that

Remember....they can't show appreciation outwardly yet but it's there

Take the small stuff and know you're building the important big stuff....and don't forget that feeling of full love ...listen I love my DC I'd die for them in a heartbeat...but I physically grew them and more importantly do you think I look at then when they are having a tantrum and think " oh I love them"? Good God no..

I think "bloody hell not again I'm knackered and can't be assed"....and I say " ok baby we are going to have a timeout and reset "

Don't put so much pressure on yourself it will come

ReservoirDogs · 08/08/2018 15:12

Just keep on doing what you are doing and with time it will come. My Dh has been my son's step dad for 20 years now and it is usually him he comes to for advice as his dad is known to fly off the handle!

TheEmmaDilemma · 08/08/2018 16:26

Step parenting will be the hardest thing you ever did.

Seriouisly.

I gave 9 years to it. Funnily enough I'm now closer to the Mum than my exhb.

I don't see the child because it's not appropriate for various reasons but there are still ties.

9mth to 9 years old.

Blendingrock · 12/08/2018 22:59

Don't take it to heart. As other's have said, she's only 2. Give it time.

We have been a blended family for 10 years and between us we have 6 children. It's been one hell of a ride so far and I dare say it will continue to throw us curve balls. When we first got together one of the middle girls said to her Mum "You're not my Mum any more, I've got a new one". She was 8 and out to hurt. I have no time at all for her Mum but I was horrified. 3 years ago the oldest SD told me that she hated me, I wasn't her Mother and to stop acting like it. She was also out to hurt. She succeeded. She was 18 at the time. This is also the girl that has called me the "best Step Mother ever". Go figure.

Bottom line is sometimes you'll be loved by your step children, sometimes you'll be hated. Sometimes nothing you do is right. You are the bad guy, the fall guy, the source of everything that has gone wrong in their lives, and their parents lives and the world in general.

As a step parent, you need to have an open heart, broad shoulders and very thick skin... and I'm afraid you WILL always be third, and sometimes, you will will be rejected. It's just one of the joys of being a Step Parent. She has a biological Dad. That Dad can be a complete looser but she will still love him unconditionally and he will still be her Dad. BUT, you can be better. You can be the one man in her life who is always there, rock solid and reliable. In the background sometimes, but always there. The one man that, as she grows older, she will know that if she needs you, you'll be there, no questions asked.

My ex was in some ways a lovely man, but he was also unreliable and childlike, his humour was often inappropriate, he could be really embarrassing and infuriating and in many ways he wasn't part of my kids lives - but he was their Dad and they loved him regardless. When he passed away suddenly last year they were devastated. BUT my DP, who has raised them as his own for the last 10 years, and who they struggled to accept for a long time, continued to be amazing, and has helped them through.

They loved their Dad, but they came to love my DP too. He has been their rock for the past 10 years and will continue to be. When they need help, from fixing a broken toy when they were little to being picked up in the wee small hours of the morning after a night on the town, no questions asked, they rang him, not their Dad. He was the one that taught them to ride a bike, then to drive a car. He got my son his first job. He was the one that gave the boys "that" talk when they were old enough and was there the first time they got their heart broken. He's not perfect and he's not their "Dad", but they love him for him, and now that they are older, they are beginning, just, to realise and appreciate just how much he's done for them.

For you, give it time. Lots and lots of time, and patience, and love, and understanding. Yes it's hard work, and you are going to have to learn to take a lot of stuff on the chin, but it's worth it.

As for struggling to love her, of course you are. Just because you love her Mother doesn't mean you will automatically love her, in fact it would be weird if you did. She's not your blood. You may COME to love her, but you may not. All you can do is try, and give it time.

Good luck!

Fayyyyyyyyyyy · 13/08/2018 19:22

You can't belittle the natural emotions op is feeling. He isn't feeling anything negative, but those situations are awful and feel more personal as a step parent. She will always love her parents more but she will still love you as you spend more time with her.

Yes you want to be selfless in a way but at the same time you are not her dad and have a right to feel protective of your emotions. It's easy for a parent to say the child's need come before there own but when it's not your child you will want the child's needs to be met but you will also want yours to be because if not it will ware you down.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page