New Responses for Pre-Teen insults!

[T2705]

Hi,

Just looking for some different ways in which i can respond to my DSD (almost 13). She is going through a bit of a phase where everything she likes is quite obviously the best, anything anybody else likes is utter rubbish and she is very forthcoming with her comments! This has now extended to me, and anything I have/do (i.e. "urgh why would anyone buy boots like that" "I hate it when people wear whatever I happen to be wearing at the time" "I hate this programme" (even if she watched it quite avidly with someone else the week before) "I hate your shower (?!)" "this bathroom is rubbish" "this whatever- anything and everything* is DISGUSTING" and so on and so on.

Before anyone bashes me, I totally understand she is going through a lot of insecurities at the moment, I obviously don't ever bite or snap as I am fairly sure she is pushing me to see where the boundaries are etc, I know I am the adult and will obviously take the higher ground but I need some new responses to this constant barrage!

My usual responses, if I make any, are ones are along the lines of "ah well it would be a boring old world if we all liked the same stuff" "everyone has different opinions and thats a good thing" "a rubbish shower is better than no shower!" etc. BUT I would be lying if I said it wasnt a bit draining, it also can sometimes cause tension with my DD (11) who she also does it to (though not to the same extent) and who also gets cross and wants to defend me.

Anyone got any witty but pleasant retorts or strategies to deal with it? I know in addition to the above insecurities etc it is a rubbish age theres all sorts of raging hormones as well but I feel a need to respond to some of it, as much as I wont let her goad me into a response I also don't want her to think that she has total carte blanche to say whatever she wants without any regard for other peoples feelings.

What does her dad say? Why is he allowing her to speak to your DD and you this way?

The majority of the ruder stuff she says out of his earshot.

He does pull her up on some of it, but the stuff he is hearing is more just the difference of opinion stuff on tv programmes etc.

He just thinks that "she has no filter" , she actually does to to his mum, quite a lot too - "urgh you've got a moustache" "Why would ANYONE have carpet like this in their lounge" etc. I do think its quite rude but wasn't sure if I was being overly sensitive!

You’re not being overly sensitive at all OP, I’d come down on my kids if they spoke to people that way!

The “no filter” thing is a get out clause from having to tell her that her behaviour is rude and unacceptable.

My kids are autistic so literally at times don’t have a filter, it doesn’t stop me from explaining why what they said was hurtful or too blunt and letting them know it wasn’t ok. (Not that it happens often and it isn’t deliberate rudeness like you describe)

I get that you want to keep things light and not rock the boat, but your DD is the target too and that’s really not on.

No you are not being overly sensitive she sounds really rude and really nasty infact saying to his mum she has a moustache Did he not pull her up on that?

Oh thank you so much for making me feel like I am not being totally unreasonable and over the top. I was a little worried about posting as thought I would get shouted down but just needed some other opinions.

He does pull her up on it but not in the way I would if it were one of mine. He says her name in a warning tone if you know what I mean and thats kind of it.

I would also come down like a ton of bricks if my DCs spoke to people like it. They all do seem to talk to each other so I thought maybe it was just a family difference - his mum just laughed it off and said something like "wait til you get to my age, thats the least of my worries"! which was part of the reason I wondered if it was just me!

I think I obviously need to talk to him about it in more detail than I have done so far.

Sorry I mean talk to each other in a manner which is different to how I was brought up and also how I am bringing my children up

That’s his only response to her awful rudeness? Wow, I’m actually quite shocked at that!

Sounds like your DH and his Mum are tiptoeing round her like she’s made of glass when actually she needs to learn that the way she is speaking to people is rude and unacceptable!

She’ll not find life easy if that’s the tone she takes as standard and if your DH doesn’t get it sorted out now, someone else will in future and she’ll get the shock of her life!

'Please don't be rude to me. You're allowed to have a different opinion of course but you're not allowed to be rude to me.'

Or if she pulls out the big guns and says ' you're not my mum,' then go with ' your teacher isn't your mum and your doctor / whatever isn't your mum, but you're not allowed to speak to them rudely are you?'

Your husband needs to crack down on it too

I dont know just because she laughed it off doesnt mean it didnt make her feel bad
I would be horrified if my child had said that, pointing out something about someone elses appearance and eurghing about it is so nasty and I would be pulling my child up on that there and then, He sounds like he minimises her behaviour passing it off as having as having no filter, Total disney Dad.

I agree you should talk to him about it especially as her behaviour effects your child too.

I was horrified when she said it and yes sadly he does have some disney dad traits. Up until now I have held off saying too much, the situation with his ex is fragile and DSD will cry to her mum if the going gets a bit tough which he tries to avoid, but I will discuss this with him properly now. Having written it out in the OP has actually given me more perspective and I can see more clearly just how bad it has got, I am almost tempted to show him the thread.

DSD will cry to her mum if the going gets a bit tough which he tries to avoid

And doesn’t she know it!

OP he’s convinced you that you and your DD matter less than him getting an earful from his ex. Why should your DD be spoken to like that, why should you?

If you do show him this thread then this is for him.

OPs DH you’re doing nobody any favours by allowing this behaviour. Not your wife, your DD or your wife’s DD. Stop being a Disney Dad and start making sure that your DD doesn’t rule the roost!

Could you try empathy route? Eg that's not a nice thing to say, you would be hurt if someone said that about your xyz etc. Or the normal if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.
Honestly though her dad needs to deal with it properly as it's not a friend winning habit

The ‘no filter’ isn’t an excuse to be rude (not in your own kids, step kids or anyone else’s kids).

She’s being rude and she needs to be pulled up on it before it starts affecting her friendships.

Here we go again, a kid acting like a typical teenager, who if mum had posted on the teenage forum would have told 'yeah, dreadful isn't it, gosh can't wait for the teenage years to be over', but because it's a step parent forum, it's a case of 'what a rude brat, she should be punished, how dare her dad not be stricter, clearly a disney dad'.

And then SM wonder why their teenage step kid treat them differently to their parents.

OP, yes it grates, a lot, and yet, it makes you think 'gosh I really don't like you much at the moment', but yes, you just let it pass because it will pass, same as 'you are so embarrassing'. You are dealing with it in the best way you can, keep it up and try not to take it personally.

You may have really low standards on your kids behaviour @swing but it doesnt mean everybody else does, There is no way I would let my child be nasty about someones appearance to their face and pass it off as "oh shes just a teenager"

My kids aren't my step kids and there's no way I would let them talk like that unless it was a one off and they were genuinely upset then I would let it go. Spoiling for a fight like your dsd is totally unacceptable. You sound lovely OP. Good luck.

Thanks for your responses!

@swing, I know teenagers can be terrible creatures and as mentioned in my OP I know that this is partly her age etc.I did pop over to the teenager board after your post and have a feeling I could end up there a lot over the next few years!! But I don't want her to feel like I am a total doormat who she can constantly try and insult!

Had a chat with DP, he was a little defensive at first but accepted what I had to say, he did try to say she was only joking, which I said she may well be but that she needs to learn the line between an amusing joke/comment and one that is actually rude pretty quickly. He also pointed out that if we are going to come down on DSD1 for the constant comments then we would also need to stop my DD from doing it too - which is obviously quite right (although I do believe she does it because DSD does, but yes rightly so, they do both need to stop it).

I think I managed to make him see just how constant it has been - I used the examples from my OP which were just from Friday evening and Saturday and I said I was also concerned it could have an impact on her friendships if she is like it with everyone. We will see what this evenings contact brings!

OP I totally agree with you no way should thst behaviour be considered acceptable but that doesn't mean it is abnormal nor because she is a horrible teenager. She is a normal teenager who needs to be told as you are.

Her behaviour is not as much a reflection of who she is but of the society she is growing into - the media are full of people talking like this with laughter in the background- and her awkward age wanting to be cool.
Telling her it's wrong as you are is good. Making a big deal out of it and making that it makes her a horrible person isn't.

Rude is rude & I for one do not agree that teenagers get carte blanche to be as rude as they wish just because they're teenagers. I know plenty of teens who are nightmares because they are let be so! I also know plenty of lovely teens, including my own, who while not always lovely & perfectly behaved are mostly civil, polite, engaged & are socially aware enough to take other's feelings into consideration.
Op your dsd sounds like she's pushing boundaries & is getting away with it. It doesn't take long for a boundary pushing young teen to develop into an entitled, rude older teen/young adult & then there's little going back.
Sounds like you tackled your dp on it very well & fingers crossed contact goes well this week.