Help me see the light!

[ThunderStruckMuck]

DSS is 16 and frankly he's really hard work. He has always hassled his sister who is 10. He hangs on her, invades her space, constantly pushes her around physically. It drives me insane. DH pulls him up on it loads but he just doesn't care. If anyone compliments her says it's not true. He tears her down any chance he gets. She's one of the most passive children I've ever met. She rarely fights back at all. She just accepts that this is the way he is.

He's argumentative about everything even if he doesn't care he will make inane arguments just to wind people up....and it does! You can't have an actual conversation with him. I end up ignoring him but it feels rude. I'm at the point that every time he opens his mouth I tense up. DH has tried so many times talking to him when things are calm but it makes no difference. We have tried consequences like taking his phone away but then he takes it out on her physically at their mothers house and she begs us not too.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My own two are much younger and he is my first experience of a teenager. Is this remotely normally?

No. It's not normal. He is abusive to her.

Agree this is abusive. The poor girl. I wonder if you could work subtley on her assertiveness. What are the consequences for him while he is in your house and how much is he there? Would it be possible to have them come to you at alternative times?

From a practical point of view I would make sure they weren’t in a room alone and I would physically be between them so he couldn’t be in her space or touching her. Be really consistent with this. Step between him if he moves towards her. You have to physically stop him hurting her.

When he makes comments about her behave as if he hasn’t even spoken. Show her by modelling it how to tune out his abuse. He does it for a reaction, don’t give him one. If possible, bring her to another room to continue whatever conversation you are having with her. Keep doing it.

This is awful, I feel like that poor little girl needs support and protection. Your husband needs to speak to his ex to ensure a consistent approach is taken at both houses.

This is damaging her now, and will impact on her future relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Please don't let this continue.

Not normal and it's grooming her for future abusive relationships.

I don't know what we can do about it. Their mum says they are as bad as each other and it's just kids winding each other up. DH says her dad was an abusive asshole and that's why she can't see it. DH reckons the only way forward is to have the separately if their mum agrees to it but that will leave her with no break. Second week of the summer I found her residential camp just to get her out of harms way. On the way in the door from collecting her he stepped on her heel twice and the second time she fell over. He stood there an laughed and DH just started roaring. I actually thought he was going to hit him he was so angry. We are so stuck and I don't know how to help us all.

If you can’t have them separately, and that’s understandable from mums point of view, she needs a break too. (He’s probably an asshole to his mum too) then the bets you can do is keep them apart as much as possible when they’re with you. But really I think your DH needs to step up and take some extreme action here. His son is abusing his daughter. He can’t just keep on shouting at him.

Does he have a job? Friends? Anything to keep him out of the house? Is he going to college in September?

He’s 16, she’s a vulnerable 10 year old.

Tell him, firmly, that the next time he assaults his sister he will be arrested. If he does it again, follow through with the threat.

My youngest and oldest are 6 years apart. The oldest is moody and entitled but knows that physical intimidation etc is clamped down on hard because it's unacceptable. He's a good foot taller than the youngest and if he wants to fight someone it needs to be a person his own size.

I was out for a walk with friends last weekend and met an 18 year old girl that one of my friends knew. She was on crutches so my friend asked her what had happened. It turned out her 21 year old brother had broken her ribs during a fight. I know the older brother. He’s huge. This girl although 18 is tiny and looks about 14. This is where it goes OP. Boys that aren’t stopped from abusing girls as children grow into men who assault women.

Does he act like that at school?

Boys that aren’t stopped from abusing girls as children grow into men who assault women

This.

He's fine at school. He gets good grades and will be doing A levels. He had a girlfriend but treated her poorly and she got rid of him.

DDS is going to secondary next year and will be left at home with him in the afternoons.

I guess I'm after practical suggestions or where we could turn to for help. Are there specific programs for teenage boys? Without their mums buy in I don't know what we can do.

He has three younger half siblings and is brilliant with all them. It's only his sister that is the target.

DDS is going to secondary next year and will be left at home with him in the afternoons

That cannot be allowed to happen, even if you have to go to court to get residency. Social services could help if Mum is obstructive.

Oh she really can’t be home alone with him in the afternoons!! No way. He will abolutely torment her. Her father cannot allow that. Can he arrange for DSD to come to your house after school instead of their mums? Or could she stay in the school library until Mum or dad could collect her or she can get a later bus that will arrive home after parent is already home?

Has his dad (or anyone) actually sat this guy down & explained abuse to him & subsequently asked him why he is treated his sister in this manner? Has anyone had a firm & adult conversation with him? He's 16 not 6.
He needs a hardline approach & therapy as there is obviously a family back story here with regards to his dm & her dad which is filtering down to the next generation.
Why has this gone on for so long without serious intervention (no judgement, just wondering) as it is out & out abuse, plain & simple.

Have you ever considered, he may have MH problems? Worth looking into!

No words...just feel sorry for her and she needs protecting from him or she'll grow up with terrible anxiety and blame all the adults who allowed it to continue. I've seen a few pp on thread talk about abuse from brothers and how their relationships in adulthood with their parents are damaged as a result.

He's nothing short of a bully. How tough he must feel bullying a 10 year old girl.

He is the abusive husband of the future.

I'd be seeking support from her school.

DH has aspergers and honestly he didn't see it when I first met the kids. The kids were still really little. I didn't have any of my own and I wasn't quite sure of where the line was myself. Little kids do tussle etc. I think we both hoped it would get better with consistent consequences and it did for a few years. Then DSS got older and consequences meant less and he realised he could take it out on her at their mums without any consequence.

It's just constant now. He's forever invading her space and bumping/pushing etc. He hangs on her literally. It's the nastiness that's most concerning. It's become more cruel whereas it was more annoying before. DH has sat him down and spelled it out and it gets better for bit but as soon as he's anxious or angry he takes it out on her again. I do think he probably does have autism himself and maybe mental health issues. He's very young acting for his age. He puts everything in his mouth still at 16! He seems depressed most of the time. His mum has put it all down to "hormones". There is nothing by way of a meaningful coparenting relationship. DH gets told to butt out. He was referred to CAHMS and they said he didn't meet the criteria. So what now? I feel like I'm looking for a resource that doesn't exist but should. Some sort of early intervention for absuive teens?

Op you could try action for children. They have teen mentoring programmes for boys. He might be eligible for it. Tbh I would call NSPCC and tell them whats happening and what they advise in terms of support/intervention.