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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My husband can't handle the fact I have kids from my previous marriage

73 replies

jyap · 05/08/2018 22:54

Hey all,

Have come on here coz I guess I need to talk coz it's not something I can talk to my family about. My husband hates the fact that I have kids from my previous marriage. I do my best to keep him away from the situation but it's just getting worse.
At the start when we first met, my daughter was still a baby so it was easier but now she's turning 7 he can't handle it.

He just stays away from her, we do nothing as a family and it's only me ever interacting with her. All he ever says is hello love and how was school today? He's awkward around her and when she tries to get his attention he just brushes her off.

She goes with her dad most weekends but when she's not with him and home with us it's really hard. He wants my attention all the time but also thinks she should be seen and not heard.

We are from 2 different cultural backgrounds with 2 very different upbringings. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if it will get better as she matures or not. I feel like it's him who has the issue to deal with or am I just being insensitive?

OP posts:

sprinklesthecat · 06/08/2018 01:08

She's 7. She doesn't have attitude, she has a difficult home life.

timeisnotaline · 06/08/2018 01:13

Your poor daughter. She depends completely on you, you cannot continue to bring her up in this environment.

DotForShort · 06/08/2018 02:19

Do you live in the US or the UK or elsewhere? (Asking because potential resources that you could access would be different in different places.)

Original poster

jyap · 06/08/2018 09:02

@sprinklesthecat she has a very protective home, safe and loving and I bring her up to a high standard, she has a 7 year old girl attitude!!

OP posts:

JustlikeDevon · 06/08/2018 09:11

Your poor little girl. If this continues and you don't prioritise her, she is really going to hate you when she's older. Don't put a man before your child.

SpaceDinosaur · 06/08/2018 09:30

@jyap How can you possibly believe that she knows she has a safe home when half of her protective persons there actively reject her?

Either your husband is a parent to the child he has raised or he isn't.
If he is, he needs to man the hell up and parent
If he isn't then he needs a clear and defined role so she knows she isn't to rely on him. Good friends take friend's children to the park. Are you saying he's less than this to her?

You say that he disagrees with your parenting style. Have you actively discussed raising your daughter? Has he told you what he would like to do differently?

Is he punishing your daughter to teach you a lesson?

Original poster

jyap · 06/08/2018 12:03

@Bananasinpyjamas11 thanks for your comment. He's really uneasy and I guess he really doesn't know how to be with her, he always talks about her future and how she could 1 day run his business etc.

I think a lot of the problem is that she has a great relationship with her daddy and he just doesn't know where he sits. Maybe it's a case of if he stays away it's the safe option. Heck I don't know but I know it's getting to me.

OP posts:

annastasiabeaverhausen · 06/08/2018 14:13

She doesn't have a safe and loving home if her step parent ignores her. The two don't go together.

HerondaleDucks · 06/08/2018 14:46

Have you spoken to him about it. He doesn't sound purposefully malicious. I would have a long talk with him about your expectations around your daughter.
A lot of step parents are told to not get involved and to back off. He may have been given his advice and he doesn't know how to interact with your daughter.
Many step parents are told not to parent. This is the reality when you get this advice. People withdraw.
I hope you work something out. I feel a bit sorry for him tbh.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 06/08/2018 21:29

I have ds from previous relationship and have a dh he is the same as he has always been. Your doing you’re dd a disservice if you had anything about you , you would you’re dh

Quartz2208 · 06/08/2018 21:34

Your poor daughter

Sevendown · 06/08/2018 21:38

‘ he wants my attention’

This is it

He is jealous of your dd

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 06/08/2018 21:39

Nothing much to add except what everyone else has said.
He's a pig. I have a 7 year old too and the thought that anyone, let alone someone living in the same house, would treat him this way makes me so sad. I will never allow someone to make my dc feel in the way or inferior.

I don't think you have a 'd'h problem. I think your poor dd has a 'd'm problem! Put her first ffs! If you don't who will?

RachelAnneJ · 06/08/2018 21:40

You need to deal with this very quickly. It will be damaging for your daughter to be treated this way in her own home.

Slimmingsnake · 07/08/2018 18:02

Poor dd ...sounds like your husband needs to be shown the door .or let her live with her dad if you can't put her first

Bezm · 07/08/2018 18:04

Leave him!

SandyY2K · 08/08/2018 03:04

Was he actually brought up in Nigeria? I ask because while they would generally be stricter parents, that's quite old school.

The younger generation know that children are individuals and can be challenging sometimes.

Would your DD be mistaken for being his DD? Or is it obvious from her ethnicity that she's not?

Your first post made him sound awful...but the updates show he thinks she's a bright kid...so I think there's a bit more going on for him.

I do think the culture plays a large part of it. I don't want to say more about that it here as it could be outing...but feel free to PM me and I'll share more with you.

Luckyme2 · 08/08/2018 13:46

How old was she when you got married? How was he treating her at that point?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2018 14:27

he's a wonderful husband other than this issue

What, other than being a shit stepfather and human being to your DAUGHTER????

Step up. You are her Mum. You need to talk to him about this. (Obv not while DD is there). If he is not involved in her life or discipline at all, he has no right to criticise your parenting.

Jaxhog · 08/08/2018 14:31

I wonder if the problem is that you have very different cultural attitudes/approaches to bringing up ANY children? Made worse by the fact that he isn't her natural father.

Did you have any conversations about child rearing before you got married? You need to do this now, if you want to save your marriage.

Mrskeats · 08/08/2018 14:35

He's not wonderful though is he?
One of the reasons I married again was because my husband is great with my girls. It would have been a dealbreaker if he was not.

Fayyyyyyyyyyy · 13/08/2018 19:37

All these comments saying leave him, he is terrible are superficial and in helpful. You need to talk to your husband. You need to agree on how best to parent her and he needs to be involved in this process as he has to live with you as well as your child. He may be feeling a certain way about the situation but unable to communicate about how he is feeling, encourage him to open up to you and be hon st and take it from there. It is hard for any step parent, parenting a child that isn't there's, you need to be realistic of your expectations from him as a step dad and communicate it. If you can't communicate and come to resolve carrying on the relationship will be difficult.

Fayyyyyyyyyyy · 13/08/2018 19:40

@slimmingsnake what a stupid thing to say 🙄 Don't trivialise someone else's situation and plea for help with such a riduculous comment

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