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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My husband can't handle the fact I have kids from my previous marriage

73 replies

jyap · 05/08/2018 22:54

Hey all,

Have come on here coz I guess I need to talk coz it's not something I can talk to my family about. My husband hates the fact that I have kids from my previous marriage. I do my best to keep him away from the situation but it's just getting worse.
At the start when we first met, my daughter was still a baby so it was easier but now she's turning 7 he can't handle it.

He just stays away from her, we do nothing as a family and it's only me ever interacting with her. All he ever says is hello love and how was school today? He's awkward around her and when she tries to get his attention he just brushes her off.

She goes with her dad most weekends but when she's not with him and home with us it's really hard. He wants my attention all the time but also thinks she should be seen and not heard.

We are from 2 different cultural backgrounds with 2 very different upbringings. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if it will get better as she matures or not. I feel like it's him who has the issue to deal with or am I just being insensitive?

OP posts:
figelnarage · 05/08/2018 23:14

How does he expect you to discipline her that differs from what you are doing?

freetoagoodhome · 05/08/2018 23:14

Well, no, she won't listen to him. But that's not about him not being her father. It's about not having any respect for him because he hasn't tried to build any kind of relationship with her. At best she'll grow to actively resent and rebel against you both. At worst, she'll just completely retreat into herself and count down the days til she can move out. (If she doesn't ask to live with her dad first).

Original poster
jyap · 05/08/2018 23:14

I'm white American and he's Black African (Nigeria)

OP posts:
Original poster
jyap · 05/08/2018 23:18

He says I'm not strong enough with her, but I do my best she's in school all day everyday and i work 40 hours a week Monday through to Friday

OP posts:
GreatStuffWorks · 05/08/2018 23:19

Sorry to say, having had a DC from a previous relationship and was then in a new relationship, things may well only get worse.

FaFoutis · 05/08/2018 23:21

She's 7, you don't need to be strong with her. She's probably confused and miserable too, which won't make her behave well.

AutumnGrace · 05/08/2018 23:22

Do wonderful husbands lack respect for their partners kids? He sounds awful. No excuse. Basically since she developed a personality he doesn't like her. Is he controlling?

Do the right thing by your poor daughter. Can you imagine feeling so unwanted in your own home? Poor poor child. Grow a backbone - it's both of you or neither however at this point I would not be giving him a choice!

HerondaleDucks · 05/08/2018 23:22

What have you done to help encourage him to build a bond with her?
Have you shared the parenting with him or have you made him stay out of it so has detatched from the situation?
Is her attitude growing up a result of you not giving her enough attention? Or is it age related?
If you love this man you need to help him to be part of your dd life. He sounds lost.
Normally it would be you have a dp problem... but I think the culprit in this is you.
If you're not happy with how he treats your dd leave him. But if the root cause is you... don't be surprised if the next one detatches from her as well.

Shezza71 · 05/08/2018 23:25

If things have got worse as she has started to develop an attitude they are not likely to get get better as she gets older. Her opinions will strengthen, then you have the hormonal teenage years, peer pressure. If he can't parent now, he never will. I think you are going to have to decide between your daughter and your husband Sad

WoodforTrees · 05/08/2018 23:27

I am sorry but from all you have said, it's going to get worse. Her 'attitude' now is not a patch on what you will be dealing with when she is 14 - how will he treat her then??

More to the point - you are not two families being kept apart, you should be one family. Please have my first ever LTB. He is a pig.

FaFoutis · 05/08/2018 23:30

jyap I really hope you are listening.

Didiusfalco · 05/08/2018 23:30

He is absolutely not a wonderful husband.

You are letting him treat your daughter terribly.

BoEbrexit · 05/08/2018 23:33

I don't know about Nigeria, but in some cultures where blood ties are extremely important there's sometimes different conceptions of step-parenting.

Its hard to know from you post if he really resents your daughter, or is just feeling insecure about his position and relationship to her and doesn't know what to do. If its the former, than that's a big problem and you should leave him. If the latter, you need to talk about it, maybe make quality time.

Lunde · 05/08/2018 23:33

Sorry but you need to put DD first.

She must feel awful - pushed away and an outsider in her own home. Believe me she knows he is ignoring her. What sort of life do you see with him blaming you and her for his own poor parenting.

This would be a deal breaker for me if anyone treated my child like this!

Lalliella · 05/08/2018 23:35

That’s awful. If that situation continues she’ll end up with serious issues. LTB

Original poster
jyap · 05/08/2018 23:37

BoEbrexit I hope it's the latter too. When it comes to complimenting her intelligence and how smart and pretty she is he's up there. But actual quality time is non existent. I don't know just so confused.

OP posts:
BoEbrexit · 05/08/2018 23:37

whats LTB?

Jjjjigoo · 05/08/2018 23:38

He needs to step up and be a proper parent to her - including love, kindness and discipline, or he needs to ship out.

Pebblesandfriends · 05/08/2018 23:39

He has turned your daughter acting in an age appropriate manner into something about him ( she may not listen to him) and is taking it out on her (therefore ensuring she definitely won't listen to him)..... wow.

UpstartCrow · 05/08/2018 23:42

BoEbrexit LTB = leave the bastard

and I agree. He has raised her, but he clearly doesn't see himself as her Dad. She deserves better.

lunar1 · 05/08/2018 23:42

Either leave him or let the poor girl live full time with her dad. No child should have to live in a situation like this.

LilQueenie · 06/08/2018 00:00

Keep your daughter smart by ltb and showing her she doesn't have to be treated in that way. If you stay there is a high change that she will meet someone and go down the same route being treated badly her whole life. Teach her the lesson now.

RabbitsAreTasty · 06/08/2018 00:08

Yes it is his issue to deal with but as he is not dealing with it and it hurts your daughter, it is also your problem. What are you going to do about it?

paxillin · 06/08/2018 00:28

he's a wonderful husband other than this issue

You mean other than the number 1 priority he's great? Leave. You are her parent, you need to protect her.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 06/08/2018 00:53

I’m not clear from your posts whether he’s:

Awkward and uneasy, but his heart is in the right place and he just doesn’t know what role he has.

Increasingly indifferent and getting hostile to your daughter?

How is your daughter? How does she feel? Is he getting in the way of you having a loving and secure relationship with her? Is this negativity affecting your daughter?

If you feel that this is not fixable, you need to protect your relationship with your daughter. Even if you carried on seeing this man, you could live separately. If your daughter usually goes to her dads then you could see him weekends and have a healthy, solid and less tense time on the weekends. She needs a harmonious home.

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