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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partners mum getting involved

23 replies

Louw12345 · 03/08/2018 21:30

I love my partner's mum she's a lovely but today she undermined her son and I, and it really annoyed me.
My partners ex had asked his mum to ask him if he can have a week off work to have the kids. We had a chat and with him not having many holidays I said I would change my days that way we both help each other with child care etc.

So he booked the days etc. He spoke with his mum and said told him it was already sorted she's having the kids for the week (but she couldn't in the first place coz of work).
It really annoyed me as I see it as her interfering but I know it probably isn't.

Tbh we don't live together at the moment but I know when we do and have to have things in place for the kids over the holidays and his mum does this it could become costly for us for child care etc.

Am I being over sensitive to it? Could it be coz everytime I suggest something it never actually go's ahead? Oh I don't know sorry for the long text. Just needed to get it out

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2018 21:34

Sounds to me as if she just wanted to help. Not sure where the undermining came in.

But why is your dp's ex communicating about the children through his mother?

Original poster

Louw12345 · 03/08/2018 21:43

I felt like it's undermining as he said he will sort it out. But she has already made the choice before she knew what was happening.

She asks through his mum to get what she wants if my partner couldn't get the time off she knew mum would step in.

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swingofthings · 04/08/2018 08:32

It might be an issue of timing. Firstly, frankly, why did mum had to ask for your OH to take time off with his child over the summer? He might not have many holiday but the little he has should be over the summer with his son.

If the ex works, then I sympathise as arranging childcare for the summer is a nightmare and you normally have to sort it out quite some time in advance.

It sounds like she needed to know asap, your OH took time to arrange it, so in the end, his mum said she'd do it and I expect she is, and rightly so, annoyed with her son for not seeing it as his responsibility to do. He should not be providing childcare to help his ex, he should be planning some time off to spend quality time with his child.

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2018 08:37

If I was his mum I would be tempted to wash my hands of the situation and leave it to your dp to sort out child care/access, and tell my ex dil I wasn’t going to mediate any more. But as I would have the best interests of my grandchild at heart, I wouldn’t.

NorthernSpirit · 04/08/2018 08:58

Stop all this the mum of the kids passing messages through the grandmother. If they had sex together once they can communicate about the kids. Will stop any confusion. My OH and his EW only communicate via email but it works. No need for others to be passing messages on.

Sounds like a timings issue, not the grandmother undermining him.

Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 09:14

He's had loads of time off in the year to have them as she asked for this, which has left in him a pickle with holidays. I'm trying to get him to get comfiration in writing from them both on what they what throughout the year. Partner and ex would plan things but then she change's her mind.

She asked for the week on Wednesday he had to book them and found out Friday spoke with his mum at 3.30 after work but all was sorted out.

From what ex has told his mum, she works cash in hand. She's moving at the end of the month.

His mum is getting on now, after two days she's tired then she starts moaning about them.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/08/2018 09:25

Your dp needs to sort arrangements directly with his ex, to avoid misinderstanding and confusion in future.

You should stay out of it really - he is not your husband, you don't live together, you are not the child's step mother, just the dad's girlfriend. Don't be getting involved in how he and his mum communicate with regard to his child and her grandchild and talking about undermining because she will quite rightly tell you to myob at this point. Also, avoid gettong into the habit of making his childcare, your issue to sort - it isn't.

Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 09:25

NorthernSpirit honstly it happens a lot. She speaks with mum to get what she wants.
She told ex when she move's if he can't do the 3 hour drive there twice a week every week it will go to every other week instead coz she won't be doing any running around after him. He explained that it should be shared like sometimes she will drop them at his but she said no every other week it is then.
When speaking with his mum she said I hope he sticks to weekly access when I've moved. So his mum said drop them off here if he doesn't. Therefore without knowing the facts she jumped in again.

My partner won't say anything to his mum as she can be very off if someone go's against her.

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Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 09:37

Partner and ex sorted Christmas last year then 3 hours b4 pick up she kicked off saying I will be there in a hour if it's a problem I will bring my family.
Wow just wow she went to say that the kids have her family that matter. Not their dad or step siblings or me just her family.

She took the kids to see his mum on Xmas for 40 mins so they could open their present's of course then nothing for the rest of the Christmas holidays.
He text but no reply. Then come January when her partner went back to work she text saying kids will be ready for 6.

With her it isn't about what the kids need it's about her and control.
He doesn't have any money for court's he has about £100 left from his wage which go's to run his car. He pays for half his mums and dads bills coz they have debts. So he's really stuck to push things.

With my ex we have our set days and weekends and if he changes them he makes them up (most of the time) the kids know what's happening and so do we so we can plan things.

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swingofthings · 04/08/2018 09:41

So much she said he said, most likely that in between the ex, the MIL and what your OH is telling you and probably not telling you with you not living with him yet, the picture you get of the actual situation is vastly distorted.

Considering you are not living together, I would stay out of it. It's nothing to do with you and you shouldn't have offered to take time off to help in the first place. If his mum is happy to help, then that's her choice.

Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 09:44

IWannaSeeHowItEnds
I totally understand what you are saying. He's looking to move in but needs a job that's equals his wage now, it's proving difficult.
Because he is moving in eventually its probably why I suggested we share the child care over the week as this is something we would possibly do when he moves in. I'm not a last minute person I do struggle with quick changes so like to be somewhat prepared for it.
Yes I did say to my partner I will leave you to sort things in the future. I will be nursing next year so really won't have any time to be getting involved haha. But also if he's living here we won't be able to have last minute change's. And this is what I'm trying to explain to him, everything needs sorting now.

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Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 09:52

swingofthings
Why is it that all men get tared with the same brush as others. I have no reason to think my partner is not telling me the truth. Which is ex asked his mum to ask him for a week off. Mum said she will do it.
He doesn't live here as such no but he and the children spend a lot of time here. I didn't say I would have time off I said I would change my day's.

It's august not many people can get a full week in august off that is asked for 3 weeks before. So that's I'd why I offered to help. I didn't want her not to have the week she needed, I totally understand how hard the holiday's are I have children myself. But yes your right mum wants to help so she has that right to.

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BertrandRussell · 04/08/2018 09:53

"And this is what I'm trying to explain to him, everything needs sorting now."
Yeah, well. Best not to piss off his mum then, if she's part of the network!

Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 10:13

Why am I pissing his mum off? He should be making decisions as a dad and if he can't he should ask his mum to help or see if she would like to help. Not her make the decision without talking to him.
But this is something that had been an issue in the past; So now he's doing much more they taking it away from him. That's probably why it has pissed me off.

Anyway as others have said for me to stay out of it I will.

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BertrandRussell · 04/08/2018 10:18

Hmm. Talking about her "getting involved" and "undermining" when I suspect she's probably been in loved in childcare for longer than you have would piss most people off..

Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 10:34

Like I said at the start she is a lovely lady. However, if dad has been asked to do he should of been allowed the time to sort It out before saying she would do it. If ex had asked her then fair enough.
She loves her grandchildren but can't handle them for longer than a day / night she knows that but says yes a lot of the time coz ex has stopped access in the past coz she can't have what she wants. And that deeply upsets her.
But honstly she should of waited for her son, he was the one asked.

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swingofthings · 04/08/2018 12:22

What doesn't make sense is why this has come to a head now. Surely if they are both working discussions about who would have the kids and when should have taken place many weeks ago and why is it that the ex would ask his mum to ask him rather than asking him directly?

Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 12:48

My ex has tried to have everything set in place other than court. Its ok with her then its not. Even went to mediation but the ex wouldn't turn up. She likes everything her way. Which is why he's already had time off throughout the year.

She's asked his mum knowing if he couldn't she would. My partner said his ex didn't really want him to have the kids that's why she asked asked through his mum.
She didn't really want him to have them as she knew we would all be spending time together.

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Original poster

Louw12345 · 04/08/2018 12:48

My partner not my ex

OP posts:

nellyolsenscurl · 05/08/2018 13:55

I would take a step back OP and stay there. I wouldn't move him in either, he has less than £100 left at the end of the month and pays his parents debts, he is going to end up costing you money.

I cannot see how you were being 'undermined', you are not a step parent as such and you don't even live together. His mother probably sees you as a girlfriend therefore she feels obliged to share contact with your DP.

Original poster

Louw12345 · 05/08/2018 22:40

OK well not undermining me but her son ye's.
We had a chat last night and he said it really annoyed him but he just go's with it as it doesn't want to upset her. He said he feels she's takes his parenting away from him but his mum doesn't like to be brought up on anything and she go's in a mood with him.
My partner just wants to make sure everyone is happy and in the process hurts himself coz he doesn't want to upset anyone. It's sad really as life shouldn't be like that.

It's funny though that if this was written from his mum saying my so won't take a week off to have his kids he would be knocked down for it. Just go's to show dad's that actually want to paren't their kids it's thrown upon.

Anyway it's all sorted now, just hope next next he stands his ground abit more.

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rainingcatsanddog · 06/08/2018 17:41

But this situation is his fault because he can't talk to his ex and mum effectively. Until he asks them to treat him as the equal parent to the ex, then this situation will keep repeating itself.

BounceAndJump · 07/08/2018 10:47

You need to step back. You've not been very clear but said she asked his mum as she knew she would have them if the dad wouldn't, so it sounds like the grandma has said their side of the family will look after them those dates, then asked the son which days he is unable to do.

You also said the children's mum was meant to be working then initially so presumably that's why shes asking who can look after them, their dads said no so shes asked their grandma.

When your boyfriends mum has her grandchildren is none of your business.

Imagine if you have children and in the future your sons new girlfriend is getting annoyed at you making arrangements to see your grandchildren. If your partner has a problem with it he needs to bring it up with her but I can't see why he would have an issue with it as it sounds like the ex and his mum are prepared to pick up the parenting he can't do.

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