Resentful... And hating myself for it.

[Struggling345]

So... Basically to give people an idea I'm a step parent to two kids (girls) 6 and 8. My OH has them every weekend. We both work full time, ohs ex partner doesn't work at all. I love the kids being there, have great relationships with them, take them out, have lots of chats, bake cakes, etc etc. They are great kids overall to be honest and listen to me well. Help me with dishes, want to spend time with me, like to do girly things. The issue is - I'm incredibly resentful about my ohs behaviour. It has now got to the point where I'm the one caring for his kids (he is off at weekends with them, I am not) so I will finish a busy and stressful day working at a call centre to come home to - the house a mess (piles of dishes, unhoovered floors, wrappers and spillages everywhere ignored, toys all over the floor, sometimes things are actually damaged like furniture as they have clearly been left unsupervised), kids running riot as he allows them unlimited access to the food in the kitchen (which I find strange as I'm the one that buys the food - he will even allow them to eat things I have specifically bought for myself or for dinner for all) so as a result they are really hyper because what kids wouldn't go crazy with biscuits, ice lollies and desserts if given free reign? When they run out of sweet things they move on to eating cheese, bread, anything they can see. He does not seem to see an issue with them eating entire multipacks of sweets or whatever else. He makes little to no attempt to stop this (half hearted comments about them being little monsters to which they just laugh). It is a NIGHTMARE to get them to eat dinner because of this. They dominate the sitting room have constant access to screens (tablets, Nintendo console or TV) so I finish work and can't use my own sitting room or relax. So = he's been off all day and hasn't left the house at all or bothered to tidy up after his kids or himself . I return from a shift and have 1-2 hours worth of tidying.
Once I finish tidying while kids play or watch a movie, I go back to see where he is = sleeping/or lying down/or watching TV . I proceed to take kids out to kill some energy, then bathe, feed and put them kids to bed. He does not bother to discipline them most of the time when they misbehave so I have to step in. I pay for a lot when it comes to them food, toys, days out, furniture. He pays maintenance to his ex and I understand that is difficult financially as she is demanding. I don't resent financial side as I earn much more but I can't do everything??? They also have no set bed time as he doesn't bother so I struggle to sleep for work most nights as they are up playing until late - This didn't start off this way but its like my oh took advantage of the fact I was willing to help and its slowly increased and become more frequent.. While I love them and I have no issue helping out with looking after them I don't expect to be doing more work than he is? My question is am I overreacting? Ohs partner hates me and constantly criticises me and oh panders to her constantly to keep her from causing a fuss this only adds to the resentment because I feel so sidelined yet I'm the one doing all the work... It frightens me also as we have no kids yet but is this going to be my life?? If this is what it's like with his children with someone else (where he should be feeling the responsibility is more his) what will it be like with me? Will I be spending hours babysitting and cleaning when I'm pregnant? I love my oh so much but is this just insane levels of laziness?? All advice welcome

Thought I should add I have spoke to him. He is half hearted and will apologise but then same thing happens next weekend...

Sorry to hear that OP, you are absolutely not overreacting. You need to have an idea about the house rules and have a serious sit down with you husband and talk them through. Otherwise he

• needs to hire a cleaner and pays for it
• stops the kids coming/staying over if he can't care them properly

If you don't act now, it will get worse!

Why on earth are you with this awful man? And you're thinking of having a child with him? Are you mad?

Do you really want someone who parents like that to be the father of your child?

Well his plan worked out nicely didn’t it? Does he do any parenting ever?

He doesn’t respect you, he treats you like a skivvy and expects you to parent his children and won't lift a finger.

Does he actually have any good points?

And don't forget, @YeTalkShiteHen, she funds his lifestyle, too.

I did forget that, thanks for pointing it out.

Jesus OP, why do you put up with it?

Goodness, what a selfish man he is!

As an outsider looking in it sounds like you’d be far happier if you both had your own homes. At least for a while anyway while he realises just how much you do!

Either he’s lazy or doesn’t care about the mess the children create. Fine but let him do that in his own home, not yours!

He should also be getting those girls out of the house and doing things with them - Going to the park, a bike ride, etc costs nothing. Most cinemas now have early morning film showings that cost very little. They shouldn’t be stuck in the house all day and it definitely shouldn’t fall to you to take them out when you’ve just got in from work.

You are a fantastic SM and partner but you are doing way too much.
You rightly said I help as much as I can. Help being the right word.
He is totally hands off, leaving the hard slug to you.
If at least he respected your wishes to not let the kids pig out for the sake of dinner. But noooooo he lets them eat junk to their detriment.
He isn't acting like a parent or a partner.
He wants you to do it allllllllll!
Not fair. Maybe you should try to have a free weekend a month?
Maybe have the girls for dinner during the week?
It's really full on for you. Please consider carefully having a child.

I was just about to write a thread about this. We are always telling sp’s that ‘they knew what they were getting into’
My thought is does that work with the dp too?...
well that’s if you find your self having the same or similar arguments as the previous ex - shouldn’t we of known....
we would never tell a friend she’s the one who caused a break up, or that what she expects from her dc dad is unreasonably but we say it about the ex wife until we become one.
I just think is so unfair ( I know life’s unfair) but when you go out with a man who has a past you have always got to be accepting or your evil and dp take advantage of that!

Sorry, but he is a lazy and crap father. What a fucking idler.

My own son sees his girls at weekends - (7 and 4) he takes them out, buys them things, cooks meals, is particular about what they eat (they have fruit and vegetables every day, no McDonald's or anything he thinks is unhealthy). He plays with them, gets them to tidy toys away. They say please and thank you. He baths them at nights, puts them to bed, gets up in the mornings with them, makes their breakfast. He does every single thing for those girls, as he only has a limited time with them, not living with them.

Your bloke is useless and hopeless. Get rid.

Pack a bag and leave him to it, at the very least until he gets his pathetic arse in gear.

You sound fantastic but unfortunately he is a crap and lazy parent and generally a shit partner. Whose house do you live in? I bet it's yours.

Thanks for the responses everyone. Sounds silly after writing such a long rant, but he does have some great points, and I do love him. I feel that his relationship with his ex partner was that he threw money at her and she did everything with the house/kids and this has been expected of me too - except I earn my own money so it's not the same. We both pay half rent on a private house which is fine. However I did buy their bedroom furniture and decorated their rooms etc, do the food shopping and I make huge efforts to take them somewhere difference at least once a week... I honestly don't think he would bother if I didn't. I'm so attached to the kids now too that it doesn't help me make any rational decisions I think it makes sense to maybe take myself away at the weekends if it continues even after talking to him again but the fact I'm having to remove myself from the situation is a shame. He has said in the past he would be happy to be the breadwinner and I do part time work but this just isn't what I want.. I'm doing well in my career and don't want to give it up to be a babysitter/cleaner

I'm shocked by what I am reading, my oh is no prize but I would leave him in a heartbeat if he was like this. My advice is take a step back, i don't buy food when my sk are here so it is my oh responsibility to feed them. Also my oh is great because he purposely takes his kids out when i finish work so i have peace. He also has rules including some that I suggested about respect for the house (everything in the house was originally mine and I like to have decent furniture). I personally believe if a nrp wants to see their children, they need to financially, physically and emotionally be there for their children, with some support from partners but they should never be used as a replacement.

Ok - I mean this in the nicest possible way but they are not your kids & you have no obligation to parent them or pay for them at all. It is your oh's responsibility to provide the majority of care & finances.
If his definition of care does not include cleaning up after them then there is no way you should be doing it, nor should you be taking the kids out to burn off steam while he slumps on the sofa.
Leave & leave him to it for a few weeks & see how he fares! Not too good I'd say.
Seriously no man is worth this.

I think you're finding out that the two of you aren't really compatible. How long have you been together? He cannot delegate the shitwork of raising his own children to you. How would you feel if he treated your own child like this? You are obviously a busy and motivated person. It will hurt like hell to separate and say goodbye to these children, but you are describing a lazy man who does not think about you or appreciate your efforts. You deserve much more than this.

Also with the exp i don't have much advice as my situation is a nightmare too but luckily my partner never allows her to dictate to him 😏

Listen step back from the parenting. Have dinner on the way home and when you get home say hi to the kids cheerfully and say oh wow I'm knackered and have a headache. Ignore the mess , take yourself off for a lovely shower and retire to bed with your tablet and Netflix.

When he steps up and starts taking care of the kids , you can help more. Do you really to have kids with this man though. He has shown you who he is...believe him.

You sound like a hard-working and caring sm. He sounds very lazy. I wonder if this is why his first marriage ended.

Definitely do not compromise your career to look after someone else's children. He will be like this if you have a child with him so if you want to stay and do that you will have to find a way to get him to take responsibility. If it's even possible!

Why do either of you have to work part-time? He only sees the children at the weekend.

Op, I suggest you book a weekend with your family. Do not do any washing cleaning, or buy any food. Leave on the Friday afternoon direct from work, come back on Monday morning go straight to work. Leave him to it. Have a lovely weekend.

When he grumbles, as he will, explain that you are not his cleaner, house keeper or nanny. Explain that If he doesn’t start doing his fair share, you will be spending every weekend with your family.
DO NOT even consider having a child with your dp until he sorts himself out.
You sound lovely, he sounds like a complete arse.

My dp isn't perfect and could do more but he does all the kids homework with them and cleans up after them. I do the cooking for them and generally organise things.
You need to step back and make him/the kids help out with housework as it's unfair. Who cooks for the kids? I'd stop food shopping and make him go if needed. Bet he soon pulls his wieight!

Not two ways about it, your OH is lazy. Yes it is hard to work FT and look after children, but many mothers, and fathers do it and they don't have evenings and every other weekends to rest.

I think you are absolutely right too that this has happened because he got away with it with his first wife... well not totally because it is highly likely that it is the cause or certainly a contributing factor to why they separated.

You need to do more than talk to him about it, you need to make it very clear that he is LAZY and taking advantage of you. He chose to have these two lovely girls, so he needs to step up and accept that parenting is demanding and tiring.

You need to agree some ground rules. The house needs to be looking half tidy when you get home. The food you expect to find in the fridge/cupboard needs to be there when you are back. He needs to set up an evening routine. HE gives them their dinner, HE makes sure they are washed, and HE reads them a bedtime story, HE gets up if they are not sleeping. You will only help him occasionally with these, when YOU feel that you want to.