Dealing with his ex

[BamBam39]

I need some advice please as I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable.
I moved in with my partner and his 17 year old daughter about 18 months ago, and slowly over the months, his 14 yr old son moved in and then his 21 yr old daughter moved back in after breaking up with her boyfriend. So here I am now living in a house with my partner and his 3 kids. We all get on really well and in the most part we're one big happy family.
The issue is his ex, she struggles with boundaries and doesn't seem to realise when she's over stepped the mark. She comes round to the house nearly every night which I think is a bit excessive given the ages of the kids, surely she could call or FaceTime them instead? She seems to prefer to spend time with them here instead of arranging them to sleep over at her house?!? She's actually started making herself a drink when she comes in and even eating food from the fridge. She's far too comfortable.
She calls and texts my ex constantly, I wouldn't have an issue if it was about the kids but it's not. She calls for help with her mobile, help sorting her latest house move (of which there's been 3 in 2 yrs) needs help sorting her bills and help with diy in her house. So not only is she always at the house, she's always texting or calling which I find overbearing and I'm struggling to even feel comfortable in my own home.
I even came out of the bathroom in my house the other day to find her standing at the top of the stairs after walking into the house without knocking, but she feels she has a right to see her kids whenever she wants cause she gave birth to them?!? I agree she had a right to see the kids, and I would never stand in the way of that but not in my house and not without the common curtesy of knocking on the door and waiting to be let in.
My partner is trying to stay on good terms with her for the sake of the kids and so the they can get through their divorce as amicably as possible but it's getting hard for me to bite my tongue. My partner knows I'm struggling with it but it's starting to cause problems between us. I'm frustrated he's not being more firm with her and he's trying to be the nice guy to keep the peace. Mean while I'm growing more and more bitter and angry. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking about moving out, cause she's just too 'present' all the time!!!
Please help! What should I do?!? I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and this is what I have to put up with as a step parent? Any advice would be gratefully received 😃

You definitely need your partner to step up and say enough is enough.

Does she have a key? If so get it back or change the locks.

Move straight back out again.

OH lord. I’d be gone in a flash, even if temporary for a few weeks. Friends spare room/ Airbnb, there are options.

And I’d simply say to your DP. Love you, but this is unboundaried. Ridiculously so. Get through your divorce, I don’t want to detail what you’re doing, but I can’t be a part of this incredibly unboundaried dynamic between you and your ex.

Give him time and space to figure it out and say you can talk about it in a few weeks when you have also had some distance from the situation.

How long is their divorce going to take. If it's done in a few weeks I'd try just to get through it and then put a stop to everything.
If your talking months then fuck that either she's out or I would be.

She has no claim to be in your house. The kids are old enough they wouldn't even need to do a contact hand over.

I'd start putting a stop to it. Telling her she shouldn't be walking in without knocking. And telling the kids they need to go over to hers to visit.

She needs to replace the food and drink she helps herself to. She isn't even a guest you've offered it to.
What's next, she goes out drinking with the eldest and ends up crashing in your home instead of going to hers.

This is an insane situation and your OH needs to be introducing boundaries. Yes it isn't nice to have to be confrontational but this really isn't healthy - surely it must seem a very odd situation for the 'children' too

Another option is to kill with kindness; smother her with your life, invite her out all the time with your friends, ask her out all the time, involve her in absolutely everything as if her opinion and help is SO vital, and so on. Maybe if you are hugely overfriendly it will chase her away. Right now it seems like she is playing a huge game. I'd be tempted to turn the tables and be mega friendly and try and smother her out of the door.

They are still married and going through a divorce? What is the situation with the house? Are you living in what used to be the joint house? If so, is her name still on the deeds? Is she still paying towards the mortgage?

There seem to be unfinished business and you moved in too quickly. He doesn't want to challenge her because he believes if she got angry, she could maybe go for a bigger piece of the pie during the divorce.

Thanks for the responses.

No she doesn't have a key, she just comes through the patio door if it's left unlocked by one of the kids, but I try to keep it locked as much as possible and my next plan was to encourage my partner he needed a high fence with a gate at the top of the drive so that she can't get round the back.
She has never lived in the house, my partner bought it when they sold the family house and split the equity.
The divorce has barely begun so I'm assuming it's going to be at least a year before it's finalised so things have to change.
According to my partner and his kids, they both lived separate lives for years before they officially decided to call it a day. Sleeping in separate rooms, holidaying separately, and living like ships passing in the night only communicating through blazing rows occasionally so it would seem it wasn't a great atmosphere for the kids growing up. As I say my relationship with the kids is great, that's not the issue. It's the boundaries with their mum that are causing the issue. Or maybe it's my partner who is just too worried about how she feels in all this instead of how I feel?!? 😞

Wow, I would move out.

Me too

I don’t know how you’ve been putting up with it.

He should be prioritising your feels. It’s your home too.

At that age the DC don’t need their parents in contact at all never mind daily. It’s plain weird.

It’s a DP problem though, sorry. He needs boundaries and if he won’t get some, immediately, you need to leave.

wow she is really overstepping. I would be asking DP why he is prioritizing exW over your feeings.

Oh my god; she’s basically acting like they’re still in a relationship but not living together.
There’s being amicable and then there’s just not making the break from each other.
Your DP needs to step up and tell her she can’t come to the house any more and tell his kids that they need to see their mum at her house because they aren’t together any more and it’s not fair on him or you.
He also needs to stop responding to her and stop helping her with all these things. I don’t like ultimatums but I’d be tempted to say that if that doesn’t happen then you’ll move out and won’t be back.
He needs to put you first; the children might be upset initially but they’re old enough to understand and they might be uncomfortable with the situation. It’s interesting they haven’t chosen to live with her: very possibly because she has no boundaries with them either

I get irritated when my DP's ex strolls into my hallway without asking but I try and let it go as she doesn't have the best social skills so more likely is oblivious than outright rude. I never go in her house and if I have needed to I make a big point of asking permission because its not my home.

I could not cope with her hanging out there everyday, especially if they were older children that are more than capable of going out to meet her.

The worst part about being a SP is the feeling like you are an outsider to the 'real' family and this must be compounding that feeling like mad. Your DP needs to have a gently word with her and explain that it is your home, not hers and she needs to respect that like should would with anybody else.

They are still emotionally married. Your DP is showing his lack of boundaries here. It's not just her. I wouldn't be sticking around having been through this to a lesser extent and we didn't even live together! Whilst they are still so "together" he hasn't got full emotional availability for you. You deserve better.

pairedlife.com/advice/IsHeStillMarriedToHisEx

My DPs Ex used to have a key to our house and when we got it back she also used to come around the side!

Totally crazy. 8 years later she is still emotionally attached to DP although they both say it’s about the kids. Who are all adults now. Contributed massively to our break up.

Don’t let yourself be in such a relationship OP. It’s so belittling and degrading to you. You have no space at all. It’s basically a shared marriage.

You need to say this is not on and I’d even be telling her to go from the house next time. Give your DP notice, so he has a last chance to sort it out. Then absolutely stick to your guns. He’s not worth this much hassle.

You're right. I came home tonight and for the 5th night this week she came round wanting help with her latest rental application?!? I just got my keys and left.
We've since had a huge row where he says he doesn't want her there as much as I do but says he's torn because he thinks his kids will think less of him if he leaves her to struggle.
I really don't want to lose him but feel I'm kidding myself that things will get better! Tell me I'm being stupid for living in hope, can things really improve?

No, it won't improve. My now ex had been divorced about 3 years and was still far too embroiled with his ex. I wrote about it on here under a different name and was advised to "leave them to their shit show." I did. That wasn't the only reason I ended things with him but it was a major one as was causing stress in our relationship. He told me I was being ridiculous and didn't see the problem. Did you read the link I posted? Please do if you haven't as I think you'll see things more clearly when you have. I also read things about how this isn't healthy for the children as they never fully see their parents as separate because their lives are still so connected. It gives the children false hope of a reconciliation even in the face of new partners.

It doesn't seem likely.
I suspect you'll either have to make your peace with her presence in your life, maybe request some boundaries e.g. times she can come over etc. But accept she clearly is still dependant on your husband.
Or you leave until he gets his priorities right.

Thanks PerverseConverse, I read ur link and it made very interesting reading, some things really hit home so I forwarded it onto him as well in the hope it will do the same for him.

Yes things can improve. However only if you call out this crap and be REALLY firm. Ex does not come around ever. There is no need. His kids will be totally confused and will think less of you and eventually him.

It might not improve but at least you’ll know you tried.

You just can’t be so demeaned at the moment, it’s just for the kids is a lie that they all believe.

My DP did tell his Ex to stop coming round. It did get better. But he just hid the continued contact, which included her calling him at midnight regularly, so it didn’t get improve enough!

The problem is your DP and his inability to stop her coming over. She has no idea it's a problem to him because he hasn't said anything.

The kids live with their dad...how could he see less of them if he told their mum to stop coming over? It doesn't make sense.

I'd walj away from this relationship and tell him why. If he loves you...he'll put a stop to her doing this. If not he has no backbone and you're better off without him.

You are not being unreasonable, and unfortunately the only way it's going to resolve itself is by your DP having the courage to put a stop to it, which may take time. I don't know what it is about ex's but they seem to manage to be an ex, and still be extremely manipulative/controlling at the same time, and for some bizzare reason, DP's seem happy to pussy foot around them until things reach crisis point.

She's being incredibly rude, and it's almost as if she's doing it deliberately to see how far she can push it. Normal people wouldn't dream of doing what's she's doing.

That aside, you have to decide how much more you're prepared to take. If he won't put a stop to it, you only have 2 choices. Put up with it and hope it resolves in time, or leave. If you decide you can't live like this any more, tell your DP that, and tell him he has a choice. Either he puts a stop to it, or he lets it continue, in which case you're out of there.

By the way, from experience, he's probably scared to take a stand in case he looses his kids. What he doesn't realise is that by letting his ex walk all over him, and you, they will see him as spineless and whilst they will still love him, they won't respect him, and in time, they'll walk all over him too. Also she's not struggling. She's using him, and you, and he's letting her.

Hiya

I am a person that’s been on the same boat , not to the extent where the ex has been into the house but basically my partner was still married when I met him and separated for 1 year ( moved out) before I met him .

His ex was doing the same even looking on his online bank account , having cups of tea with her and going to trampoline parks for the sake of the kids and underneath it all he hates her he just did it as he was so scared she would take his son away from him and it sounds like your husband is the same .

Honestly what helped me is to do my research in order to give him confidence that he did not need to do that in order to see his son and it worked . It sounds like you really need to support your partner to put the boundaries in because this needs to stop , NOW !

I can really Understand where your coming from - first of all I think you need to take your husband out of a meal or away from the house and you need to have a serious chat - if your husband isn’t prepared to talk and compromise then he’s not meeting your needs or the needs of tour relationship and that’s something for you to consider maybe wether you think that’s fair and what a healthy relationship is - if he is then that’s great news

What’s worked for me and my partner is every week on a Wednesday we put a side a couple
Of hours to check in with each other without fail and are committed to that just to make time
For communication .

It sounds like you really need to put the boundaries in together - you need to come up with a battle plan together and stick to it - your ex should not even be part of your life - or his - the fact is they are split up but they can still parent the kids seperatly. My partner literally emails his ex once a week to tell her the times we are picking - dropping his son off anything that’s general to hand over he will in an email and that’s it - they went through mediation because she was being so unreasonable but that help him take the power back and start being more assertive . It sounds like your partner needs to know his rights and be confident that with him putting boundaries down and challenging her she will not take the kids away- what we’ve ground useful is getting her to agree to a parenting
Plan . Those boundaries just need to be there and I feel your husband needs to cut all ties with her apart from communicating about the kids because she’s too attached to him. That’s exactly what my partners ex was like she was even giving him bottles of wine to keep him sweet and then I just put my foot down and said that it was not healthy for our relationship his son or her as she was just jealous that’s all jealous she did not have a partner - he came to see that she was just using him as she did not have her own partner

After time he cut all ties - stopped her having access to his bank account - stopped being in any contracts with her financially

I’m afraid setting these boundaries your going have to prepare for her not liking you and having tantrums but it feels like you need to support your husband to stand his ground - so what if she doesn’t like you and you both like the bad cop together - who cares - you need to have each other’s back and stand tall together united with this and make him see what a strong woman you are- I think to men that’s attractive and make him see why he’s with you and notwith her - please let us know how you get on !