Housing

10 replies

sxround · 28/07/2018 21:23

Been with DP for nearly three years. In the last year, I have pretty much moved into her (Rented) place where she lives with her two kids (14 and 21).
I own my house outright and the plan is to sell it and buy a new place near my DPs existing place and make it our home. The youngest (daughter) is great and we get on just fine. Her eldest (son) works and is supposedly getting a place with his girlfriend but as yet is showing no signs of this. Problem is I find him rude, disrespectful and generally unpleasent, however I am struggling with the prospect of him moving into my own home and being stuck with him for god knows how long. DP realises this fear I have and is causing a strain on us. AIBU? Any help or guidance would be appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:

VioletCharlotte · 28/07/2018 21:42

Don't move in with her. Her relationship with her children should always come first, and if you and her son don't get on, this will be a complete disaster. Why not consider moving closer to her, but keeping your own home? That way you can see more of each other, but you'll have your own space, and her son won't feel like you're encroaching in his territory. Once he's older me got his own place you can revisit living together.

Pardalis · 28/07/2018 22:08

If you can't come to terms with the fact that her children will always have a place in their family home then don't do it. Or don't do it until he's independent and happy living away from home.

It's not worth the stress for everyone involved. And hopefully as a result you'll have a better relationship with him

Original poster

sxround · 28/07/2018 22:32

I just want to get my partner out of rented accomodation as I know she struggles wach month

OP posts:

Original poster

sxround · 28/07/2018 22:32

each month and I know she subsidises her sons lifestyle

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lunar1 · 28/07/2018 22:51

But in her rented accommodation she doesn't have anyone telling her her child isn't welcome. She's better off where she is.

GrayDays · 28/07/2018 23:02

You state you pretty much live at her’s Now so pay your share. It’s her children doesn’t matter how old they are. If she chooses to support her children you should be happy that she’s such a loving caring mother. You don’t like him, well maybe he doesn’t like you because you sound controlling. Like your a magic king getting her out of trouble. You don’t want him in your home, but your in his when you stay at hers!
Children are forever, and he may well he him own place and in five years have to come and stay back at his mother’s like many young people do and you don’t have a right to prevent that. He should be respectful to you but you seem to have an issue more like your the man of the house and he should deal with it.
Families today are too selfish, I moved in with my nan for a bit and she didn’t think twice, was upset when I left because families are meant to help each other.

VioletCharlotte · 28/07/2018 23:37

Lots of parents still help their 20- something kids with money. It's her choice to do that, not yours.

Think about it, if she gives up her rented home and moves in with you, and it doesn't work out because you and her son don't get on, what's she going to do then? She'll have to find the money for another rented place, all the costs of moving, furniture...

If you really love her, you'll want what's best for her. And that's to put her kids first. There's nothing to stop you having a relationship, just hold off from moving in together for now.

victoriaspongecake · 29/07/2018 00:05

Maybe find someone without children?
Children are for life not just for Christmas....:)

MeridianB · 29/07/2018 08:19

It does sound like it all needs a bit more time, OP, so the situation with her son can progress from where it is now. If she is struggling with bills because she is subsiding her adult son’s life then it’s part of a parenting/lifestyle choice which doesn’t sound likely to change soon and regardless of the living situation will manifest itself in some way for some time.

I can see you’re conflicted but pushing ahead with a move won’t necessarily solve the tensions with her son and you could have several years of this to come. Meanwhile the poor 14yo is caught in the middle.

I’d be tempted to head for a path of least resistance for a little while to take the pressure off.

swingofthings · 29/07/2018 09:00

Moving in together has to be her decision. You made it clear that you won't do so with him and that is absolutely your right, he is an adult and you don't have to live with him. So it's up to her as to whether she continues as she is, struggling or not, or she encourages her son to move out.

When all this is sorted, then you can consider moving in together although you might want to consider if you want to buy a joint property if you are going to put the full deposit down or buy it out right.

Flip